Support

Loverman and I haven’t really had any alone time together for about 3 weeks. His work schedule has completely changed. He has been coming skating with Thing #1 and me on Thursday nights, but I can’t kiss on him and molest him then!

Supposedly, we are going to finally get to spend tomorrow night together. He has already told me not to get too excited, they might change his schedule again.

Strange but true: I actually have mixed feelings about seeing him.

Last week when I was telling him about the drama going on at work, he kind of blamed me!

It really hurt my feelings! Everyone is already on the side of Crazy Girl at work. He’s supposed to be on MY side.

After listening to him for a minute, I interrupted, “I need you to be on MY side here. I really do. You are my best friend and I need to know that when I come to you with a problem, you aren’t judging me. I need your support, baby. This situation at work is completely out of control and I haven’t been able to see you and ‘recharge’. I am having a really tough time going to work every day.”

He acquiesced then and said, “If you feel like you need to look for a different job, Mama, then that’s what you should do. I just don’t understand why we can’t all get along.”

We were on the phone, but I wanted to hug him because of how quickly he backed off. “I know, baby. I want to get along and keep the job I currently have, too. But it isn’t working out that way.”

Then I added, “I really hate having to talk to you about this crap anyway. I like how we’re always happy together and I really try to keep it that way.”

He agreed.

The subject changed and eventually we were both laughing and back to normal.

P.S. When I wrote this post in my head last night it was much more eloquent ;)

Strong as an Oak

I pirate get almost all of my music from the library near my house. They don’t have an awesome selection or anything, but I have a pretty sweet music library with all kinds of variety! In fact, I can’t wait for our Kansas City road trip because I can just plug in my MP3 player and we can have something to listen to almost the entire ride; I suppose I will have to let Loverman pick something, too…

Sometimes when I am online looking for one thing, there will be something else in the “recommended” or “suggestions” section of the page. I have found quite a few new artists that I really like that way and I share some of them here with you when I find them; like Kate Nash and Do Wah Doo.

This song really empowered me yesterday and this morning. I thought I would share it with you, too.

Happy Friday! <3

Strong as an Oak
by Watsky

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m fuckin broke y’all)

Them rims, them rings, them things
You can bring ‘em out.
I just had my debit card declined at IN’N’OUT.
The line is flippin’ out, givin me evil eyes.
Fuck the soda,
Rerun it with just the cheesy fries.

Cause’ I don’t think money is THE devil.
I’m not sinkin’ I’m just kickin’ it at sea level.
I got my floaties on.
I’m focusing on all the wonderful stuff
With the force of obi wan
Kanobi bro, I’m broke.
Although I won’t be woe-be-gone.
Cause’ even though my bank account is low or overdrawn, I’m down to mow your lawn.

I’m getting open, I’m soakin up every moment
And so we should make a toast.
We won’t be sober ’til the broke of dawn.

Because beer is cheap, and because love is free.
I’m buzzin’,
Feelin’ like every friend is a cousin g.
And someday we’ll be reminiscent
On some wasn’t we.
Just so down and out.
But we were happy then cause’,

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m hella broke bro)

Why should I sit on my ass on the couch
Be askin’ why love isn’t equal
With lesser possessions I’m light as a feather
And so I can fly like an eagle
Cause’ everyone dies
And I wonder why leaders in power
Would lie to their people.

Be planning like they could be fitting a camel up into the eye of a needle.
But dammit id settle for fitting a
94′ Camry inside of my driveway
I’m sick of the image,
I’m livin’ my life, and I’m doin’ it my way.
I’d rather be makin’ the choices I’m proud of
Than chasing the mountain of money.

But if that mountain comes,
To me, I’m climbin’ it.

Got a brick and I’m laying it down,
Gotta shovel, now I’m breakin’ this ground.
Because I’m in the red
But it’s only a color that I will be
Paintin’ this town.
Because when I make it,
Then I dedicate it to the friends that stood with,
Who would do me favors.
Even lend me paper, when I couldn’t pay for
A little take-out.

And to the fact,
That whatever you think that it means,
I’ll be here and be livin’ my dreams.
And it’s cause of the people I leaned
On when I came apart at the seams.
So give me the moon, and give me the spoon,
I’m lickin’ it clean
Until there just ain’t nothing left
But who would lend a hand, cause

Everything’s A.O.
Everything’s A.O.

So when I say dey oh,
Say everything’s A.O.

When I say dey oh,
You say everything’s A.O.

When I say dey oh,
You say everything’s A.O.

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m extra broke yo)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m fuckin’ broke y’all)

On Being Myself

NotABitch

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me.

I think I am a pretty damn cool person.

I am happy with who I am.

Should I have to change the person who I’ve become? The person I have finally learned to like?

How do I know if who I am is the right person?

Until lately I thought I was, but now I wonder if the me who I think is the best me…

…maybe isn’t even a good me.

Entitlement or Reasonable Expectation?

This post is from last Wednesday.

I am going to whine.

Again.

I have been dreading coming into work.

Every.

Single.

Day.

The only thing motivating me lately is my paycheck.

Sad.

Yesterday, when I woke up, I even tried thinking:

If you know it will be a great day, it will be a great day!

But, as soon as I could see the office building on the horizon, my heart sunk in my chest and I felt like I would vomit.

I’ve been craving donuts every morning and there is a Voodoo Donuts right on my way to work.

am proud that I have only gone there twice since I started working here a little over 2 years ago.

But, both of those times were in the last 14 days *sigh*

In the last month I have had some challenges.

Not only with the Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with in my local office (who I have written about a couple of times in the past), but also with two ladies that work in the Atlanta office. Those two are always challenging my authority and trying to find all my mistakes. I make mistakes, of course. And I own them when I find them — or someone else finds them for me — I just don’t like it when they are put on public display and I am humiliated in the process of pointing it out.

My awesome Boss-Lady nipped the Atlanta ladies about 2 weeks ago, but there is still residual tension…

Which would be okay to work through except for Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl here in Denver. It’s just her and me and Boss-Lady; the 5 Realtors are in and out of the office all of the time, but none of them work full-time here (and all of them are men).

I am lucky that I have my own office, right?

That should be one of the things that I look forward to when I come to work, right?

Or should I feel more like I am in a cage being held captive for 40+ hours every week?

I used to work in a cubicle environment. It was not ideal, but it was okay.

There have been many times recently when I wished I still worked in a cubicle because, then, no one would be able to come into my office and close the door behind themselves to have a “private” conversation with me. The start of the conversation being, almost every time, “I don’t know what your problem has been lately. Blah, blah, yammer, yammer…”  (her ‘polite’ approach really helps me to be attentive to her…)

When I try to speak up, I am then told not to interrupt: interrupting is rude.

Once, I did get to say, “This right here, when you come into my office, close my door and start off by telling me I can’t defend myself. That’s kind of what my problem is.”

Needless to say, that didn’t end well.

Every time I defend myself to her she says, “But YOU did that to ME, too.” Sometimes I did, more often I didn’t.

Am I wrong to think that my office should be an environment that I can actually have some control over? (notice I say “some”, I understand that complete control is out of the question.)

There are so many uncontrollable elements that come at me every day, I wish I could feel that my office was more of a safe haven. Someplace where I can feel comfortable and “in control”.

But I can’t.

When Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl comes into MY office and closes the door behind herself, I am immediately put on edge and feel defensive. At that moment, I have lost complete control of my “safe haven” environment and I feel like I am in fight-or-flight mode. Especially when she is standing over me, directly between me and my only way out (my office is very small. There is no room for both of us to be standing on that side of my desk in front of the closed door. It’s definitely not big enough in which to have a heated conversation) and I am forced to wait until she allows me to speak or she finally leaves.

Most times, these conversations start with, “I don’t know what’s been going on with you lately” or something very similar to that. And, when I attempt to respond (aka ‘defend myself’) I am told not to interrupt!

Basically, it feels like I am sitting captive in MY office while she stands over me ‘insisting’ on how we need to make things right. Right now. Eventually, when there is a break where I can speak and I try to weigh in, I am told not to interrupt?!…

It’s like Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl is a bully who wants me to be her BFF and will keep forcing me to like her until I finally do (even if it’s out of sheer terror!).

I would love to be able to work from home 1 or 2 days a week like Boss-Lady. Or maybe work four 10-hour days? I asked. It’s not possible.

I also asked about moving to one of the agents’ cubicles and letting the agents use my office as theirs. That’s not possible either.

I should just be thankful that I have a job. Office or not.

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Words About My Weekend

I have all sorts of thoughts racing around in my head. If this is fragmented, I apologize. It’s just my frustrated thoughts.

The trip to my Caregiver last Friday night went much worse than I expected. *sigh*

Like every other time when I go to buy my stuff from her, I gave my Caregiver a hug right away, put my money on the counter, and asked her for what I wanted.

This time she said, “I don’t think so, Hita. Not right now. First I think we need to talk about what’s been going on at work the last couple of weeks. I’m really upset with the way you’ve been treating my daughter .”

The look on her face and the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was going to be cutting me off.

I asked if I could sit down and take off my jacket (I wanted to get comfortable for the rest of my “talking to”, and I also wanted to listen to what she had to say because I really respect this woman). She told me to make myself comfortable and then asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

“No, thank you.” I responded.

Before I went over to her house, I expected that she was going to want to talk with me about how things are going at work; about my interactions with her daughter. I actually wanted to talk to my Caregiver about it and see if there is a different way that I can approach her daughter.

I also hoped that maybe she wanted to hear my side of the story.

She didn’t, at least not until all of the very worst things had been said.

I am an idiot to have thought that initially would want to hear my side of the story. According to her daughter, I had been a complete ogre to her for the last two weeks.

My Caregiver proceeded to stand in front of me and tell me all the things wrong that I had said to her daughter.

The Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with has been lying to people outside of my normal circle (yet whom I still respect) about what I am saying to her. Apparently, I told the Crazy Girl that I don’t want to be best friends any more (???), and I told her she treats me just as badly as she treats her boyfriend (every time he makes her unhappy she threatens to leave him, then she fucks him later to ‘make it right’ – I would be happy if she left me!).

I never said a single one of those things to Crazy Girl.

I guess I make the poor girl cry every single day and now all the people in my office can’t stand being around me because of it. The exact words from my Caregiver’s mouth were, “Nobody in your office likes you right now.”

My heart fell out of my chest onto the floor and I think I stopped breathing. I thought that most of the people I worked with, the 5 agents in the office, liked me just fine. Boss-Lady gave me my annual review just last week and told me that I was doing really well working with the people around me and is proud of my improvement.

In my head, I was ready to put my jacket back on and leave. But, like I said, I respect this woman. She has helped me through some difficult emotional times and I appreciate her straightforward point of view — and I really REALLY wanted to buy my drugs(!!!).

Eventually, after she had broken me down to the point of trembling and barely being able to breathe, she let me defend myself.

I told her that I understood her protecting her daughter and I appreciated it because I have daughters, too.

I explained that I never said those things to her daughter. Not once. Ever.

I said that Crazy Girl has a tendency to take things very personally when I am simply being professional. I explained that I have been a trainer at several of my past jobs and have NEVER had these kinds of problems when I am trying to teach someone something.

It’s like Crazy Girl is holding me responsible because she feels stupid when she finds out how simple the thing was… You know? She even calls herself an idiot after I help her. *I* don’t.

My Caregiver heard everything I had to say and apologized for hurting my feelings and bringing up the whole thing.

But she had to. In order for our relationship to survive, she had to concede a small bit and I had to listen to an hour of slander.

It hurt and I am SO glad that I had today off (Columbus Day, bank holiday).

I don’t think it was a long enough time to erase the hurtful things I heard on Friday night. I will just have to hunker down and work on the budgets and try not to think about the lies that my crazy co-worker is telling about me behind my back. *sigh*

I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself…

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Saturday night, right after I parked my truck at the skating rink, my friend ‘Amy’ knocked on the passenger window and asked if she could get in. She needed to talk.

I unlocked the door. She sat down next to me, closed the door and started to cry.

She told me that, about a month ago she got herself involved with Sexy Skaterman. She had just broken up with him that morning.

It turns out that she couldn’t handle all of his sexy talking to other women (and sexy touching). Even when he told her that he was “just talking to them, baby. It’s nothing.”

Last Thursday night, someone approached Amy and told her that she shouldn’t get involved with Sexy Skaterman because he was a player.

That, along with him touching some other woman all night Friday while they were supposed to be on a date, made her rethink her “relationship” with him! Then, he took her home and acted like it was no big deal.

She couldn’t handle it and broke up with him. She was glad to see that I showed up to go skating Saturday night because she didn’t know if she would have been able to make it by herself.

I had no idea this woman was involved with that asshole.

But, apparently Loverman knew all about it.

And when I told him about it later while we were talking on the phone, Loverman said, “I told you I didn’t like that guy. I know he’s a player. If I ever find out that you slept with him, you will be SO sorry. I get so angry when I see you talking to him.”

First, I am glad that I didn’t sleep with Skaterman.

Second, I am actually kind of grateful to see that Loverman is finally claiming some kind of ‘possession’ of me.

Third, I am very upset with myself for almost fucking Skaterman.

Fourth, what he said really hurt me. I can’t figure out where I am at with Loverman. He’s very jealous and scared that I will fuck someone else, but he practically throws me into their arms with his vocal and blatant lack of trust.

I tried to reassure him by saying, “I’m not going to fuck Skaterman. I know what kind of douchebag he is and I am glad I didn’t fall under his spell. I just wish that you could hear me when I tell you that my heart is all yours. I wish you could see it. It breaks my heart when you tell me how much I don’t care about you.”

Loverman wouldn’t hear me. He was blinded by jealousy and focused on the fact that he thinks (rather, he knows) I am definitely going to fuck Skaterman (which I am not).

I got upset with him and asked him to change the subject. I told him that it would be a lot easier for me to NOT screw around on him if he wasn’t constantly telling me he knows I’m going to do it if I want to. Regardless of his feelings.

When he gets like that I can’t talk to him. He gets completely blinded by jealousy and rage at all of his exes.

But, instead of getting my feathers ruffled this time (because he is partly right about me), I let him be angry with me for potentially cheating on him with someone I didn’t. Even though I could have because Loverman is always telling me I am going to anyway.

I realize the last paragraph was practically unintelligible. I just hope you could understand what I am trying to say…

And I haven’t even had a single drink since the bottle of wine when I got home Friday.