Radishes with Cream Cheese (either plain or Chive & Onion) on rye bread.
Add salt if you need/want it.
I’m totally addicted!
Radishes with Cream Cheese (either plain or Chive & Onion) on rye bread.
Add salt if you need/want it.
I’m totally addicted!
For the last month, Loverman has been moving his things to a storage unit about 40 minutes away. Except for a few of his most important things — his bed, his 3 vehicles that don’t work, 1 vehicle that does work, some clothes, etc… — he is totally moved out of his wife’s house.
But he has nowhere to go.
His wife‘s house no longer has power. Water has been shut off for a second time. It has been 11 months since she has made a mortgage payment. Her son has been taken away by her mother to go live with his uncle. It’s only a matter of time before the bank forecloses on her house and she has to leave.
Loverman doesn’t want to be living there when it happens, so he is sleeping in a friend’s spare bed for the time being. While he’s there, he’s using their internet to find a place to live and a second job and a place to store his 3-4 vehicles.
I don’t talk about his money much, but his checks are garnished for child support (3 kids) so he gets very little of it after everyone else has taken their pieces. That’s why I am always giving him money and trying to help him out. I would want someone to help me if I needed it, right?
Which is why he needs to get a second job. I can’t give him enough money for an apartment and he can’t live with me… Even if Doom-n-Gloom wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be able to live with Loverman, not until Thing #2 has graduated from high school in two years. I joke about how he could come over and sneak up into my loft and sleep there all day. No one would notice…
I have been thinking about this a lot recently along with sorting out what I really want and trying to get my life in order. I have tossed around the idea of putting a down payment on a trailer home or condo or something for him/us. It would be in both of our names and he would make the monthly payments. I’m not planning on moving in with him or anything, at least not right now. But I would have something to fall back on when I finally do split from the husband.
Or, I’d have a rental property if things don’t work out.
But all of that depends on whether or not I get a bonus at the end of this year, and how much it is.
I’m not trying to put the cart in front of the horse here, but I enjoy having these ideas to toy around with. It gives me something to look forward to. I’m not building expectations here, just dreams.
And somewhere in those dreams, I feel power.
My mother sent me a bitchy email last Friday. I would like to dissect the hell out of it, starting with “Happy Friday”, but I will refrain.
Then I sent one back to her. Not quite as bitchy as hers but definitely upset (you can fill in all but one of the black spots below with Thing #1).
There is some back story here that you don’t know, but I think this pretty much makes sense without any more context.
She called me back that evening at 6:30 my time. I refused to answer it, because I was still on my commute home, and I had definitely NOT cooled down yet.
She left a message.
If you can’t tell, I really don’t like my mother. Not that it matters, but no one else does either (there’s a blog-troll who lurks around here and she reminds me of my mother)
After I had a more sufficient amount of time to cool off, I left her a voicemail early Sunday afternoon. I wrote it all down before I called her, and I did not deviate from the words I wrote. I said:
I decided to leave you a message today instead of calling you directly because I know that Sunday can be a busy day for you and I didn’t want to interrupt something that you already have going on. Also, I need to tell you that I am still very upset with you about Friday and I don’t think that I am ready to have a conversation with you that is not emotionally charged. Communication with you is very challenging for me because it brings up a lot of past emotions that I would rather leave in the past. But, if you still feel the need to talk to me about this, I will be available this afternoon to take your call.
About 40 minutes later, she called me back. She started off the conversation by apologizing profusely and told me that she was really frustrated with my daughter and it was wrong for her to take those feelings of anger out on me.
Then she said, “Except Thing #1 won’t return my phone calls or talk to me.” (Gee, Mom. I wonder why that is…)
My mother and I have never had a relationship. I will take half of the blame, but she won’t take any. We have just recently been able to act more like mother and daughter in a civil-type way, but it’s very, very difficult and I only do it for HER sake.
Near the end of the conversation, my mom said/asked, “I’ve taken my part and apologized for saying hateful things in the heat of the moment, don’t you regret some of the things you said to me?”
My response was, “No, Mom. I thought really hard about what I was going to say to you both in my email Friday and today while we’ve been talking. I have tried not to be accusatory and I was very honest with you about my feelings.”
“Well, then, I guess there’s nothing left to say.”
“I guess not. Have a good afternoon, Mom.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
(I hate saying those words when I don’t feel them. It makes them completely meaningless.)
I have a lot of things to say, just don’t feel like saying it.
Things are going well, but I have been spending a lot of time wandering through the thoughts in my head.
Mr. AM never called or emailed me back. We were supposed to hook up today. I’m not surprised or disappointed.
I have established some kind of Pen Pal relationship with another guy from Ashley Madison, but that whole conversation has faded. We emailed each other almost every day for the first two weeks, but now when I try to write things to him, my brain comes up completely empty.
I’m not depressed or upset or anything like that. I am frustrated with my current situation (and Loverman’s — more about that later) and keep trying to figure out what I can do to change it or make it
go away better.
Last weekend (10-or-so days ago) I talked to Doom-n-Gloom about contributing actual money to the household instead of just being responsible for buying groceries. This was a huge step for me: being able to confront him with a real issue that needed to be dealt with. He started telling me that his garnishments will be stopping soon (it sounded like the beginnings of an excuse to me) and I stopped him right there. I explained that I needed money from him regardless of the garnishments and that if he wouldn’t be able to come up with the money, the lease is up in September, he is more than welcome to find somewhere cheaper than $200/month. He said he understood and that was the end of it.
Holy Crap! It seems like this was a huge step for him, too.
I took my first payment from him last Friday. It felt strange, but it also felt very good.
And, here’s a little secret: I am not actually using ALL of that money for the household – half of it is going into a savings account I started for Doom-n-Gloom. Then, when I
kick him out ask him to leave, there will be money to help him get a place (or something) AND that money won’t be coming from my pocket! It will legitimately be his money.
I am kind of proud of myself for looking to the future. That’s not really my thing.
I guess I must be getting pretty serious…
(I borrowed this idea (and the pic) from Emily Levenson :) )
After a long holiday weekend, it’s hard to get back into the groove of the rat race. I know that it’s easy to get down and lose momentum.
Just don’t forget
It was so nice to be with Loverman again: my addiction. It’s like I’ve come down from a high and then I get high again and have to come down all over.
Or, maybe a better analogy would be a pendulum. I feel like I am swinging over to one side and then momentum carries me all the way across to the opposite side, just to be flopped back for forth.
Again and again and again.
But, I guess that’s what love is, right? Ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs ;) …
Twice I told him that I love him. Once last night before bed and once this morning when we woke up. Something totally unprecedented!
Some of you may be thinking, “If you love him so much, why are you fucking Mr. AM on the side and still entertaining messages from other men?“
Truthfully, I really don’t fucking know. All I know is that I am trying to figure this shit out like everyone else in this crazy place. Maybe I think I need a diversion when Loverman isn’t around, maybe I am trying to maintain some type of separation from him because I don’t want to get too close. Maybe I need a self-confidence boost. Maybe I am trying to mess things up…
But the fact remains, I really do love my sexy Loverman, and the feelings I have for him confuse and befuddle me every single day.
Of course there are things that I don’t love about him, too. But on the whole he’s a pretty awesome guy with some commitment issues.
We are creatures of habit, Loverman and I. So, our reunion Date Night this week was like we just went all back to normal again. A nice drive “up the hill” to our casino hotel. We saw our regular bartender who, over the course of 2 hours, served us 4 shots of tequila each — I love drinking with Loverman — then we strolled back to our room.
We took off our clothes in front of the television while we were still talking, about what I cannot remember, and then climbed into bed.
The topic of conversation changed then, and I can completely remember what we were talking about. It was one of the strangest thing to mention when you getting ready to sleep with your Other Woman. He asked me, “When we’re at skating, what do people call me?”
Me: Ummm… Your name?
Him: No, Peanut! I mean, do they call me your husband or boyfriend or what?
Me: Most everyone there thinks you are my husband.
Him: Do you say anything to them?
Me: Yes. I tell them you’re not my husband. Why do you ask?
Him: Because everyone refers to you as my wife. I tell them the same thing as you: that you are not my wife, that you are my best friend.
Me: One guy calls you my husband every single time he refers to you, and I correct him every single time. He just replies, ‘Whatever’ and shrugs.
Him: Yeah. I know who you’re talking about. I get that response from pretty much everyone anyways. What I think is strange is that all of them know your daughter, too.
(I don’t mention it here much, because it doesn’t really matter, but Loverman is almost as black as night. I’m a German Girl and most definitely white.)
Me: Yeah, and she’s as white as chalk! Obviously they don’t think you’re her father! But, we do all get along together very well and we kind of act like a family when we’re skating together.
He nodded in agreement and I said, “This is sure a strange conversation to have while we’re lying here in bed together, a little drunk, getting ready to have sex” and then I leaned over him and kissed him.
“Well, what do you want to talk about then?”
“How about no more talking right now,” and I kissed him again, deeply this time. Enjoying the feel of his full lips on mine, savoring the lingering taste of tequila on his breath. The alcohol allowed my thoughts to move from the awkward conversation to something completely different.
My right hand wandered down his body, underneath the sheets, to find that he was already erect and at full attention. I giggled and pulled the sheets down so I could take him slowly into my mouth and taste his salty firmness. It felt so good to have him this close to me again, to be able to feel his skin next to mine, feel the power I have over his body.
We made love like magical clockwork.
Like there had been no break.
There has never been a man who fits me so well.
Inside of me.
Outside of me.
I fell asleep in his arms.
We woke up the next morning and made love again.
It was perfect, and I would have loved to stay there in his arms but we needed to shower and get to work.
We made really good time on the way back and stopped for our breakfast of Lamar’s Donuts :)
I loved being able to spend so much time with him, talking and just being together.
I think I just need to keep reminding myself to slow down and stop thinking so much.
Since our date night Tuesday, we skated together Wednesday and Loverman was supposed to leave for his family reunion in Mississippi Thursday. Well… Thursday afternoon, half-way through Kansas, his passenger-side rear axle went out and he had to be towed back to Denver: 365 miles.
That’s a totally boring and long story that will be left untold, except to say that Loverman is home safe and now has nothing working of his own to drive.
Which I will probably learn more about this afternoon when I call him to tell him he can borrow my car :)
I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July and that you all get to enjoy a long weekend!