I am getting uncomfortable with my closeness to Loverman.
I rely on him to support me when I am down, and he has been there for me a lot lately.
I can trust him.
Mostly.
But he’s not mine. He never will be.
And here is something that I haven’t mentioned to you yet:
at the end of April, I gave Loverman $800 to buy a truck.
He used that $800 to buy the truck (I think).
When I gave him the money I knew that the truck needed work, but I also thought that Loverman would just be swapping engines out with the truck he already had.
I also knew that I would probably never, ever see that money again.
And I was okay with it.
Until I found a cash-machine receipt in my truck, from two weeks after that, showing that he had withdrawn $400 at Mardi Gras Casino at 7:39 on the morning of Saturday, May 17th, 2014.
I found the receipt when I was cleaning out my truck one day at lunch. May 21st to be exact.
I didn’t want to “make a deal” about it. So, I took a chill pill and decided to think on it for a couple of days and wait until I could talk to a very wise friend.
She told me to just leave it be. Not to bother with it, because it was none of my business.
She was right. I shouldn’t have bothered with it, AND I should have thrown the stupid receipt away so I wouldn’t be seeing it stare at me every day from the console of my truck.
But, I didn’t listen to her AND I kept the receipt.
Yesterday morning I was PMSing in the shower and I couldn’t stop thinking about that damned receipt.
Not only had I given him that $800 to buy a truck, I had given him $400 two months before that for him to buy parts for MY truck.
He hasn’t bought those parts yet. He is waiting for a “deal”.
I am afraid that he was using MY $400 on the 17th. He is always claiming never to have any spending cash and now he has $400 to just throw away at a poker machine?
!?!?!?
I needed to talk to Loverman, to communicate with him about my fears and concerns.
In response, he lied to me.
This is mostly how the conversation went after the “I found a receipt in my truck and I want to talk to you about it” part:
ME: If you already had $400 in the bank, why did you need me to give you another $800?
LM: To buy the truck, baby.
ME: I understand that part. But, if you already had half of the money, why did you need me to give you all of it?
LM: I needed that money to pay other bills.
ME: But you didn’t use that money to pay ‘other bills’. That money was withdrawn at a casino on a Saturday morning, at 7:39 – the exact perfect time for you to get there after you had just gotten off of work.
LM: Yeah. I took it out so I would have it later to pay those other bills I told you about.
ME: I am pretty sure that you didn’t have to go halfway up the mountain to find a cash machine which just happened to be at a casino on a SATURDAY morning right after work.
I am foggy on how it ended because he just blew it away like it was nothing, and I wasn’t trying to act like or sound like I thought I was his keeper or anything. Just the keeper of my own money, perhaps?
He didn’t make a big deal about it and we kept talking for a while about what happened with his weekend at work.
I am relieved, in a way, that Loverman didn’t get upset with me for bringing it up, or not believing him. It was just dropped.
Doom-n-Gloom would have had a fit, slammed doors, sulked, and then come back to argue some more.
Twice.
But I know Loverman was lying to me.
He has a gambling problem. Occasionally, he will cop to it. I guess this is not one of those times. I do not believe what he told me, not one bit of it.
This weekend he was just calling a bunch of friends trying to get enough money together to pay “those bills”. He said he almost asked me for $13.
Last Thursday he asked me for $10 gas money and I told him that I couldn’t afford it this week. Little does he know that I could afford it, I was just wondering in the back of my head did he have his own money and was he just asking because he knew I would give?
When our conversation turned, I asked if we were on for our regular date night this week. He said, “No. I have a lot of packing to do. I need to get all my things together before Diva gets us kicked out of her house.”
“Okay, that sucks. I am really super going to miss you!” (because I AM) “Can we at least go skating together Wednesday?”
“I miss you, too, mama. Of course Wednesday skating is on.”
“Well, I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday then!”
After that conversation, while I was finishing up my commute, I decided that maybe I could stand to take a break from Loverman for a week or two. If anything, my pocketbook might thank me!
Next week he won’t want a date night because I will have my period. He is convinced that I can’t go one night without sex when we’re together and he is grossed out by menstruation.
That gives me two weeks without Loverman sexually. Seeing him only for our two, brief skate nights. Texting him less and less often… Him forgetting about me…
Stop it! That’s crazy!
Or is it?
Because that’s what I am trying to do.
I have ‘reactivated’ my membership at Ashley Madison and I sent out 4 messages yesterday.
Already I have a response to one of them and a date for dinner tonight.
At ChoLon!
OMFG!
An attractive man is taking me out to dinner tonight!
To an expensive, cutting edge, restaurant.
And he is fucking paying!
I hope I pick the right dress!
I guess I am looking for an other other man. To fill in the gaps (and take me out to dinner and buy me nice things)…
I know I can’t ‘have’ Loverman so I don’t want to get too attached to him – if I sleep with other guys, it might help me to remove some of the attachment. Then maybe I get worried because, if he starts sleeping with someone else, maybe he’s trying to do the same thing…
Hmmm…..
Related Posts:
- Possession by Ann St. Vincent
- Cash Cow
- So Angry!!!
- Tuesday and the New Truck
Smitten with Him 
sounds terrible ! sorry to hear about this!
Thanks for your thoughts! XOX! It’s not so bad. I am just taking our time away to expand my horizons a little. Maybe I can finally find a man that I can be attracted to, who does NOT need all my money 😉
I am looking forward to a dinner out that I do not have to pay for. The last time that happened was last November — a work thing.
Enjoy dinner! Sexy dress!
I will enjoy the hell out of it! Thanks SO much. ❤
(I wish that was my dress! the one I am wearing is still sexy, but much more work-appropriate.)
Ugh. I think trust is a hard thing to develop when you are in these relationships. You both know that each of you is capable of lying and deceit, by the nature of the relationship, and I think we all know at some point they will lie to us too. It is something I have just come to expect and I don’t dwell on it too much. Or I try not to. Do what you need to do, but if I could make a suggestion I wouldn’t lend him money unless you don’t expect to get it back and you don’t care where he spends it or why.
Also, I think these relationships eb and flow, because you have passion and develop intimacy, but you can never take the next step and that is commitment. On some level we begin to not trust the intimacy because of the lack of commitment, and it is a vicious cycle. I hope things work out for you. I have gone out on a few dates with really available men, but the connection and desire is just different and I run back to W. Maybe one day I will find one that will make me forget him, until then it is W and I. I always hoped my blog would show one of these relationships that worked out. I, like a lot of OW, think that our love was special and different than the rest. I am realizing we all think that, and maybe we use that to get past the guilt. I don’t know.
Thinking of you! 🙂
What you said was lovely! I agree with everything you said. Thank you for putting it into coherent words ❤
I don't usually dwell on it too much, either. I just looked back, and it appears that maybe June is just my tough time with Loverman. That seems to be the month when the one straw finally breaks the camel's back.
I never expect him to give me the money back, and I seriously thought that I didn't mind. But it was the gambling thing…
Yesterday, a friend of mine kind of told me the same thing: my relationship with Loverman will be rocky as long as we aren't able to commit to each other fully. That damn cyclical ebb and flow! I don't trust the familiarity and intimacy that I have with Loverman – I am scared that it will get pulled from underneath me like a tablecloth…
I am just like you and, when I make these connections with another man, it makes me miss my Loverman more and appreciate how well he already knows me. I also idealize our relationship and think that we will be the couple that works out. I think I just need to remind myself and pull away sometimes.
Sometimes a break is in order, perhaps in every relationship, but especially in affairs. Affairs, by nature, are intense and you can get too close to the flame. I think that’s where you’re at now. Good for you for going on Ashley Madison. I had an affair for 26yrs, on-and-off, and we had taken breaks from each other several times over the years. And each time we came back to each other stronger (and hornier!)
As for the money, the advice is; Neither a borrower nor a lender be! But I guess that ‘s water under the bridge now
I know, I know… You are right. But I seriously wasn’t loaning him the money — he was the one who insisted he was going to pay me back. I knew he never would. But he has been working a lot more on my cars lately, and he fixed my daughter’s computer in record time. I just have to remember to take it where I can get it (no pun intended ;0 ).
I like how you said “you can get too close to the flame”. You’re right, I am probably too hot and intense right now, so a brief cool-off is in order. Thank you for the encouragement! ❤
If that is the dress you go with that is sexy. You need to tell yourself, you deserve better. Money always becomes a wedge that can drive people apart. With Bel I am brutally honest, when we talk. If it is driving you nuts and makes you feel bad then you should ask and he should tell you. It might hurt, but you need to know.
I wish I had that dress!!! I have one a little bit like it, less shiny, but still sexy. But I’ll be wearing a work-appropriate red, form-fitting dress with modest heels.
Thank you, Mr. Grey. I appreciate your POV and validation and I do deserve better! 🙂 That’s why I am going out to a semi-fancy dinner tonight with a male suitor! 😉
I’m so sorry! That broken trust is terrible especially having been through what you’ve gone through.
I think you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes you need something or someone to get you past the attachment.
Good luck!!
I love you so much, my dear! I wish we were so much closer geographically! Thank you for your support and sweet thoughts! ❤ ❤
In two weeks I'll probably be back in the same boat with Loverman, I am just feeling like I need distance right now.
Good for you, make a stand and stick to it
Thank you! My ‘date’ tonight went awesome!
Good to hear and read
Ouch, sounds like you got the short end of the stick on that one. If I can give you one point of advice, it would be not to stretch yourself out too thin. At first backup plan after backup plan may seem like a good idea and give you validation but you may find that as the people become more contingencies they constantly keep you moving from one to the other it may make you feel quite worse. You are only so much person and the more you divide yourself the less fulfilling they will all be and the more empty you will feel. We all deserve to be treated like we matter darling, and I hope you find someone capable of falling into that feeling with whenever you need it.
What a lovely and thoughtful thing to say! You really touched my heartstrings with that comment ❤ Thank you for taking the time to say it!
I hope I can find that person, too!
Enjoy ChoLon! I had the pleasure of dining there last fall when I was in your city for less than 24-hours. I met a girlfriend for dinner whilst he was presenting at a conference.
As for attachment, I get it, I do. Good luck my friend. {hugs}
It was amazing!!! I’ll have a post up about it this afternoon or tomorrow 🙂
Thank you, sweetie ❤
I hope you're doing well! {hugs} to you, too!
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