It’s not you, it’s me

It is *definitely* not you
It definitely *is* me
I am too needy

And
You weren’t the one who didn’t make himself clear

*I* was

It is so very important to me that you keep your word

Crucial, actually

Once the trust is broken
It’s broken
How can I know now?
What you mean and what you don’t?

My heart is guarded from you
Tender from your random radio silence
Convinced that you will do it again

And again

And again

Image result for broken trust

My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

WTF?

(I was going to email this to you, but I decided that I would rather post it here, where someone might actually read it and perhaps respond!)

Something super bad must have happened, like you DIED, because that would explain the fact that you can’t even find 30 seconds to message me while you’re taking a shit or or having your lunch at work or ANYTHING at ANYTIME!!

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There’s Still Hope

Monday night I received a text from Scorpio:

Hey just to let you know I got some of that money ready for you to pick up whenever you want

I was SO surprised! Based on my past experiences with men (and a recent conversation) I honestly thought I would never hear from Scorpio ever again.

We met on Tuesday night after work and he paid me $100 of the $140.

He greeted me with a hug and I’ll admit that it was pretty awkward. We haven’t even spoken, only exchanged a few texts about the money he owes me from our Sk8cation a month ago.

Also, he had a friend with him and I didn’t know if they were expecting me to give them a ride or what. I asked if they needed a ride, they discussed it for a minute and decided to stick with Plan A: take the bus.

Scorpio told his buddy that he was going to talk to me in my car for a second and would be right back.

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Word of the Day: Compassion

Be-Kind-Always

Excerpts taken from Compassion is Unreasonable by Swamiji

(as always with Swamiji’s writings, I recommend clicking the link above and reading the entire article. It’s not much longer than what I’ve posted here.)

…Compassion is in fact an unreasonable emotion. It is not really based on any reasoning. For, mind is the seat of reasoning whereas it is heart for the compassion. As a behavior, compassion may well be supported by some reason, but as an emotion, a feeling, it is neither supported nor triggered by any reason. Behavior can be deceptive but feelings, because they live inside you, cannot be artificial. They are what they are.

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