I mentioned it briefly when I was over at Alaska’s house Tuesday night.
Wednesday afternoon I got the sweetest phone call. It was Alaska calling to ask if I would like to come over and spend Thanksgiving with his family and their friends.
I’ve already met some of his family and I thought it would be an interesting change from my normal quiet 4-person holiday…
With a family much different than the one I came from…
We talked about it for a minute and I accepted his invitation.
So, while I was on my Sk8-venture, Mr. R took really good care of me. Before we even left, he paid for my round-trip plane tickets! He picked me up from the airport and dropped me off after it was all over. Also, while we were there, I rode around with him on errands and he made sure that I was okay and had someone to look after me the entire time.
It was all very fatherly and loving and it felt just plain nice.
He is also old enough to be my father (well, not my father, because my father is in his 80s…).
Anyway… Last Friday night we went on our first official date: sushi dinner and a walk around the mall.
… … The inner journey of discovering yourself, begins by consciously cultivating emotions of contentment, gratitude and compassion.
You cannot be empty if you are content, you can’t be sad if you are grateful, you can’t be angry if you are compassionate.
Fill yourself with love. It’s worth it. Recalibrate your thoughts, so you may realign your emotions.
Scriptures call it shunayata (IAST: śūnyatā) from the Sanskrit word shunya which means zero or emptiness. It is the essence of life and all perceptible phenomena.
In the dark night of the soul, when you lose your own reflection, when aching emptiness becomes unbearable loneliness, just sit tight and wait for the dawn. The sun will rise again and the shadows of joys will enthrall you one more time. Bear in mind though, shadows are just that — shadows. They are impermanent and unstable. Everything is. This is life. This is fine. This is beautiful.
Lack of control
Like waves on the ocean
Sometimes lapping at the sides of the boat
Tickling and waving like a playmate
Sometimes strong enough to knock out the full contents
Churning and punching like an enemy
Bent on demise
But, no matter any of that
There is still no control
Just the illusion of it
I was finally able to talk to Alaska Saturday afternoon.
After a little over three months of letting him fuck me and violate me and humiliate me, I thought it was time I knew where I stood in his life:
He doesn’t take me out places.
We haven’t been to dinner together (except one night at Wendy’s, so that doesn’t count), or a movie…
I asked him if he wanted to go to one of our local amusement parks with me last month before it closed for the season; he said “No. That’s not really my thing.”
I asked him one Sunday night if he wanted to come roller skating with me and he told me that he’s too old for it (really?! I am two years older!).
He doesn’t like to kiss.
He really doesn’t like PDA (we’ll get into that shortly).
However, he has introduced me to his father, mother, younger (and best friend) brother and two of his nephews.
He wants me to stay for the night whenever I go to his place and doesn’t want me to leave in the morning when it’s time for me to go.
He doesn’t just fuck me. We talk about things, too… I haven’t let him in very far. In actuality, I think that I know more about him… Which is strange because he is so very quiet.
We usually spend 2 nights a week together. Last Monday I spent almost a full 24 hours at his place.
…and there’s the way he holds me whenever we’re sleeping or in bed together…
I don’t want to be dominated
I don’t want to be owned
I don’t want to be humiliated, marked or tied up…
I just want to be wanted
…to be cherished
…to be loved
I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe…
Because if it is, I wish someone would have told me…
That was Wednesday night.
Thursday I waited to hear back from him.
Friday afternoon he called to check in on me but he said nothing about my middle-of-the-night comment.
Did I scare him? Didn’t he think I meant it? Did he blow me off?
Should I tell him again or do I just let it go?
Maybe I won’t need to talk to him after all.
Maybe he thinks he already knows what I want(ed) to say…
Tuesday morning after our last “round” of morning sex before I had to leave…
Alaska: I’ve literally spent the last day trying to fuck the wetness out of you and you just don’t stop!
Me (once I finished laughing my ass off): I told you…! I’m insatiable. But, it has happened before. Give it a couple of days… Did I wear you out?
Alaska: Yeah. A little bit…
Me: And you thought you were strange…
My weekend was just about as perfect as a vacation weekend could be.
Unlike Loserman last year, my ride (Mr R) was precisely on time.
Everyone arrived at the airport with plenty of time to get through security. We even had enough time to sit down and have a nice breakfast!
Eleven of us flew (on the same flight, mind you! One is missing from the pic in the far left corner) and one drove. It was unbelievable that so many people went along! 8 boys, 4 girls…
Everything went so smoothly: our flight was on time, we got good rental cars, we had time to stop and get groceries and lunch and alcohol, our rooms were ready when we got to the hotel/s (I stayed across the street because I booked my room in the skate party room block at the host hotel; their reservations were made too late to get the 5 rooms they needed)…