Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Marriage Vows – a rant…

on August 17, 2012

I have been married for 18 years, we have been together for 21. My 42-year-old husband neglects himself to the point of incontinence, sleeps 10-14 hours a day, eats relentlessly, refuses to do any exercise outside of work, hasn’t had sex with me (or even attempted it) for over 3 years (I am not sure it even works any more <sad>), tells me that because I pay all the bills he doesn’t expect me to do ANY of the housework but he doesn’t do any either – is my apartment just supposed to clean itself magically (!?!?). And HEAVEN FORBID I hurt his exponentially-sensitive feelings. OMG! That results in door-slamming and rude comments under his breath for a week! What do you think my two teenage daughters are learning from that? I have commented to him that he needs to start acting more like a 42-year-old MAN and less like a but-hurt 15-year-old girl! But he continues to smoke his pack of cigarettes a day, shit all over the freshly-cleaned toilet, pee all over the freshly-mopped floor, leave his garbage wherever it falls and basically wait for everything to just get handed to him on that silver platter. And if it doesn’t get straight-up handed to him (with no effort on his part) it must not have “meant to be”.

Here’s the deal. He’s been telling me since we met that he will probably die before he turns 60 — because NO MAN on his father’s side has lived past 60 (please note, his father has NOW lived to the ripe old age of 68!!!). As a result of this self-fulfilling prophecy, his self-neglect has made him a very sick man, and I can’t say “I told you so” to him (even though I did tell him so over and over again). About 14 years ago, he had an attack of Bells Palsy. Long story short, for the first 36 hours the doctors at the hospital thought he had a stroke. Our daughters were 2 and 4 at the time. I thought this opened his eyes to his mortality (because he freaking SAID it did) and that he would start taking better care of himself. He did not. Once he was released from the hospital it was like it never ever happened. He continued to eat crap and neglect his body.

Last year he got a toothpick stuck in his foot. He went to the urgent care. The urgent care doctor told him that he had to go to a podiatrist because he let it get too infected. BUT, the urgent care doctor also, freaked OUT because the man’s blood pressure was so high – 180/140. He was:

  1. Given a prescription to lower his blood pressure,
  2. Instructed to make ANOTHER doctors appointment with him to address the High Blood Pressure
  3. Go to the podiatrist to get the toothpick removed.

The dumbass husband did 1) and 3). He took the medication until it ran out and then continued to neglect his body.

At this point he told our at-the-time-16-year-old daughter that he would probably not live to see her graduate! WTF kind of thing is that to say to your teenager?!?

This year, on Valentines Day, he had to walk his ass to the hospital and admit himself (because I was at work, trying to earn money to pay the bills — he reminds me of the Offspring song “Get a Job“) because he had been throwing up for 3 days, he had a fever and could barely stand up without falling I am surprised that he made it to the hospital 4 blocks away!  After waiting in an emergency room “holding cell” for over 6 hours, he was admitted to ICU for kidney failure because of chronic high blood pressure! He spent 2.5 weeks in the hospital while the doctors tried to figure out all that was wrong with him. After that, he had to go to dialysis 3 times a week for almost 2 months and he had to go to an eye doctor to have laser surgery to remove the fluid buildup behind his eyes. If none of that taught him anything, nothing will.

I really don’t mean to sound uncaring, but he’s perfectly content to have his kidneys functioning at 30%, as long as he doesn’t have to do dialysis any more. He hasn’t paid a SINGLE one of his hospital bills, or even made an attempt. The bill collectors will turn into Process Servers, Collection Agencies and Attorneys right around Christmas-time… Woo hoo!

He has given up on himself, how am I supposed to give a s***?


20 responses to “Marriage Vows – a rant…

  1. […] Marriage Vows – a rant… […]

  2. […] understand the why parts of some issues I have been having in my marriage (check my About page or my very first post if you really want to see my […]

  3. The Hook says:

    Your pain bleeds through the screen in this piece, my friend.
    Thank you for touching my soul.

    • Thanks, Hook. This post is way at the beginning 🙂
      You know what’s crazy? Doom-n-Gloom’s kidneys still only function at 30%. He has done nothing to change or better his health since this post 😦

      • The Hook says:

        I don’t have the whole story, but from the outside, your next decision seems obvious.
        But again, I’m on the outside looking in, so I’m in no position to judge.

        • I am close. I know what I want to do. I have it planned in my head, but I need the money and I am scared of what Thing #2 will think of me. I know they’re excuses, but I am scared…
          Thanks for being here for me, Hook. ❤ I appreciate my dedicated readers so much!

          • The Hook says:

            I wasn’t even considering the economic costs of divorce. Then again, you’re the breadwinner, aren’t you?
            The hubby would HAVE to figure his life out if you were gone, wouldn’t he?

          • Yeah… That’s what I am mostly scared of — the guilt. I am just hoping that he only acts mentally incompetent because I let him. There’s really only one way for me (or him) to see if he can figure out his life.

            Guilt is a completely self-imposed emotion. I just can’t figure out how to not impose it upon myself…
            (scattered thoughts, thanks for listening…)

          • You’re a good man, Hook. VampireLover is such a lucky lady! ❤ (I know she knows 🙂 )

          • Outlier Babe says:

            I understand the fear–it’s AWFUL. What you won’t understand until you experience it–and your children do–is the ability to breathe freely. It is transformational, truly. You will cry at first: ” How could I have stayed so long?” “Look at all the years I lost?” But that will pass. Life will start. It starts, you will find, at the point just before the sourness and/or abuse did. You close that chapter and pick up and move on from where you were. Wiser.

          • I have been neglected in my marriage for so long now it’s more like he’s my roommate anyway. We haven’t slept in the same room for almost 4 years… There are many nights before now when I have cried and mourned the death of my marriage.

            Those things you said in your comment? I have already thought them and wept those tears. Now I am looking forward to moving on and past this cesspool of a marriage.

            Thank you so much for reading and commenting!!! It really means a lot! 😀

          • Outlier Babe says:

            I get it. You will cry more. But you’ll feel better!! I’m happy for you. The divorce will likely be awful–esp. with the children–but then you’re out the other side. That is a hard side to be on, too, BTW, but a WAY better one than being with him. You wake up, and it’s YOUR bed. You come home and he’s not there! Good feeling. Can you feel it? 🙂

          • I can feel it and I can see it just on the horizon!
            Thank you ❤

          • Outlier Babe says:

            You’re most welcome.

  4. Outlier Babe says:

    Good God. I mean that literally. (I swing that way.)

    I thought this was fiction, but apparently not.

    Is it not time to drop this selfish f#cker’s #ss? Or is it that you still feel you love him, or practical economics mean you two can’t afford to split the household?

    You are living in prison. Your children are getting more f#cked up every day you stay, as are there chances at happy, well-adjusted future relationships.

    Take it from a woman who stayed, and regrets every second:


    • Thanks for visiting me! 🙂

      A Sunday morning before spring I will be completing the initial divorce documents and handing them to Doom-n-Gloom. I will allow him to stay living with me until he can figure his shit out, or July 2016 – whichever happens sooner. But, I will be starting the divorce process with him shortly.
      2016 is when my youngest daughter graduates. She wants me to stay with her father forever and keep on taking care of him forever and ever or he dies of self-neglect. Clearly, I do not want that.

      **I would like to freely sow my wild oats (or whatever) and not have to keep lying about everything all the time.**

      • Outlier Babe says:

        Congratulations on your bravery and strength. I wish you the best.

        Just a note, a caution: I waited until my youngest was 18. Then, I tried a gentle , fair negotiated divorce. All these actions did? Give my abuser time to abuse more, and then to prepare for a VICIOUS divorce battle.

        Your spouse sounds abusive. A person like that won’t hesitate to play dirty, dirty, using lies, using the kids against you (including buying their affections)…careful. I really advise a Blitzkrieg divorce with an abuser. Slap him hard and get it over with and get out.

        Also: vYour home computers: phone/pc/tablet/etc–assume unsafe. WIFI unsafe. Spouse can have key-tracker know everything you type about divorce–all text to lawyer. Careful…

        Good luck!

        • I am sure those are all things he would do if he cared…
          Or of he wasn’t so goddamn lazy…
          The worst I am afraid of is that he will become jobless and homeless and my youngest will blame me. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. He might prove me wrong and get another job and start taking care of himself. Hahahahahahahah!!!

          Also, the asshole would need money to be able to afford an attorney to do any of those evil things. He barely makes $1,200/month and has NO IDEA how to manage it.

          Slowly but surely I am getting there… Thank you for your kindness!!!

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