My husband has never been a sexual or intimate person. (I’m guessing this because I can’t really know. He just hasn’t expressed sexual interest in, or to, me.)
Before now, I seriously thought there was something wrong with me because of his seeming lack of sexual interest. I would ask him if I was too fat, if I smelled bad… When I tried to initiate sex he was too tired, or it would only last a couple of seconds – seriously!! It seemed like he was only doing it because I asked him to and, because it was just plain bad sex, I eventually stopped asking for it (who knew that a 3-minute hand-job could leave a bruise?). Thinking, once again, that it was me. Maybe I didn’t know how to enjoy sex, maybe some part of my body was broken, maybe sex just “wasn’t my thing”.
The strange thing about it was (and it caused more than a couple fights), he LOVED looking at porn on the internet and he would masturbate at least once a day – that I knew of. I wanted to know what was different about the pictures?!? Like… Wouldn’t reality be more fun?! Sex with me must have sucked complete ASS if he’d rather just look at pictures and jack himself off!
I recently discovered that, in fact, I am a very sexual and intimate person. I like sex very much. I like orgasms very much. I want to do it over and over and over and over and over… But I want to do it with someone who also likes when I enjoy it. The mutuality, the communality… Do you get it?!?!?
It makes me wonder… Did my husband EVER want to be anything more than roommates and friends? What does sex mean to him? Does he really think that what he feels for me is love or is it just comfort? Is he happy not having sex (obviously he is, otherwise I wouldn’t be here…)? If he IS happy not having sex, what if I am not? What do I get?!? Why does he get so defensive when I ask him these questions? Is it because he doesn’t want to think about it, and thinking about it makes him uncomfortable? Why is it more comfortable for him to just engage himself in sexual activity that only satisfies him and to completely ignore my needs? It seems kind of selfish and not the way a partnership should be.
Why didn’t he want to share that part of himself with me? Why didn’t he want to share all of himself with me? Is it a self-esteem issue? If I couldn’t help his self-esteem before, when I was “into” him, what the fuck am I going to do now? I really am a bitch in that: I will only continue to help people who will also help themselves. That is also partly why I am in this predicament.
I think I have felt deep, passionate love (whether it’s a “true” feeling or because I’m lying to myself – it still feels real to me). I want to do mad, crazy things to his body. I want to make him feel amazingly good! I want to let down my guard and have him “toss my salad” (as Loverman says). I really want to share my whole self, our whole self. To have that person be every bit a part of me and I them. So much so, that when we separate, if even for just a moment, the desire to be “at one” with him again is agonizing!
When I tell my husband that I think our marriage is totally broken (mostly because he doesn’t appear to want/need/desire any of that stuff I just mentioned) and there’s no way to fix it, he looks at me blankly and answers “I think everything is just fine.” WTF?!? How is that possible?!? Is it because he’s comfortable? Just by default, he should be unhappy that I am unhappy, right!?!? At least a little? (WOW! That makes me sound selfish…) A long, long time ago, I remember he told me that it makes him sad to see me sad. Was that a big fat crock to get me to marry him?
Does Comfort = Happiness = Love ?
“Thank you” to Recovering Wayward and his post on “sex is the ‘glue’ in marriage” (http://recoveringwayward.wordpress.com/2012/09/18/sex-is-the-glue-in-a-marriage/)… It helped me understand that my husband really has been neglecting his own fair part of our marriage. And, as I have said before, I honestly think that marriage vows are just some people’s reason to stop trying in a relationship. (pretty much the thought of: I got what I wanted, I’m done now.) I would show RW’s post to my husband if:
A) I wasn’t afraid of the stupid fight that would ensue because I am suggesting our marriage is flawed and that I am unhappy
B) I wasn’t afraid that he would find my blog…
But, like I said, he doesn’t think there’s a problem…
Here is an article that I found after reading RW’s. Similar but different. Enlightening, but definitely way more “god talk” than I like. http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/12/sex-glue-2011-countdown.html
Maybe I should have the husband read that one…
I guess I am very old school about how I look at sex. I have to really, really like someone if I am willing to let them see me completely naked and to let them do those things to me. That’s a lot of freaking trust, people! That’s a lot of vulnerability. Why didn’t my husband want to be vulnerable with me? Why didn’t he want to bring “us” to that level?
I think I’ve rambled on and completely lost my point…
But seriously, folks… Do comfort, happiness and love mean the same thing? Maybe they all go together sometimes, but I don’t think they’re synonymous…