Comfortable vs. Happy vs. Love

Comfortable vs. Happy vs. Love

My husband has never been a sexual or intimate person. (I’m guessing this because I can’t really know. He just hasn’t expressed sexual interest in, or to, me.)

Before now, I seriously thought there was something wrong with me because of his seeming lack of sexual interest. I would ask him if I was too fat, if I smelled bad… When I tried to initiate sex he was too tired, or it would only last a couple of seconds – seriously!! It seemed like he was only doing it because I asked him to and, because it was just plain bad sex, I eventually stopped asking for it (who knew that a 3-minute hand-job could leave a bruise?). Thinking, once again, that it was me. Maybe I didn’t know how to enjoy sex, maybe some part of my body was broken, maybe sex just “wasn’t my thing”.
The strange thing about it was (and it caused more than a couple fights), he LOVED looking at porn on the internet and he would masturbate at least once a day – that I knew of. I wanted to know what was different about the pictures?!? Like… Wouldn’t reality be more fun?! Sex with me must have sucked complete ASS if he’d rather just look at pictures and jack himself off!

I recently discovered that, in fact, I am a very sexual and intimate person. I like sex very much. I like orgasms very much. I want to do it over and over and over and over and over… But I want to do it with someone who also likes when I enjoy it. The mutuality, the communality… Do you get it?!?!?

It makes me wonder… Did my husband EVER want to be anything more than roommates and friends? What does sex mean to him? Does he really think that what he feels for me is love or is it just comfort? Is he happy not having sex (obviously he is, otherwise I wouldn’t be here…)? If he IS happy not having sex, what if I am not? What do I get?!? Why does he get so defensive when I ask him these questions? Is it because he doesn’t want to think about it, and thinking about it makes him uncomfortable? Why is it more comfortable for him to just engage himself in sexual activity that only satisfies him and to completely ignore my needs? It seems kind of selfish and not the way a partnership should be.

Why didn’t he want to share that part of himself with me? Why didn’t he want to share all of himself with me? Is it a self-esteem issue? If I couldn’t help his self-esteem before, when I was “into” him, what the fuck am I going to do now? I really am a bitch in that: I will only continue to help people who will also help themselves. That is also partly why I am in this predicament.

I think I have felt deep, passionate love (whether it’s a “true” feeling or because I’m lying to myself – it still feels real to me). I want to do mad, crazy things to his body. I want to make him feel amazingly good! I want to let down my guard and have him “toss my salad” (as Loverman says). I really want to share my whole self, our whole self. To have that person be every bit a part of me and I them. So much so, that when we separate, if even for just a moment, the desire to be “at one” with him again is agonizing!

When I tell my husband that I think our marriage is totally broken (mostly because he doesn’t appear to want/need/desire any of that stuff I just mentioned) and there’s no way to fix it, he looks at me blankly and answers “I think everything is just fine.” WTF?!? How is that possible?!? Is it because he’s comfortable? Just by default, he should be unhappy that I am unhappy, right!?!? At least a little?  (WOW! That makes me sound selfish…) A long, long time ago, I remember he told me that it makes him sad to see me sad. Was that a big fat crock to get me to marry him?

Does Comfort = Happiness = Love ?

“Thank you” to Recovering Wayward and his post on “sex is the ‘glue’ in marriage” (http://recoveringwayward.wordpress.com/2012/09/18/sex-is-the-glue-in-a-marriage/)… It helped me understand that my husband really has been neglecting his own fair part of our marriage. And, as I have said before, I honestly think that marriage vows are just some people’s reason to stop trying in a relationship. (pretty much the thought of: I got what I wanted, I’m done now.) I would show RW’s post to my husband if:
A) I wasn’t afraid of the stupid fight that would ensue because I am suggesting our marriage is flawed and that I am unhappy
B) I wasn’t afraid that he would find my blog…
But, like I said, he doesn’t think there’s a problem…

Here is an article that I found after reading RW’s. Similar but different.  Enlightening, but definitely way more “god talk” than I like.  http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/12/sex-glue-2011-countdown.html
Maybe I should have the husband read that one…

I guess I am very old school about how I look at sex. I have to really, really like someone if I am willing to let them see me completely naked and to let them do those things to me. That’s a lot of freaking trust, people! That’s a lot of vulnerability. Why didn’t my husband want to be vulnerable with me? Why didn’t he want to bring “us” to that level?

I think I’ve rambled on and completely lost my point…
But seriously, folks… Do comfort, happiness and love mean the same thing? Maybe they all go together sometimes, but I don’t think they’re synonymous…

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15 thoughts on “Comfortable vs. Happy vs. Love

  1. Gee, I feel badly for you. Obviously your husband does have a “sexual” side with sexual needs from what you describe, but he doesn’t seem to want to satisfy them together with you. That’s hard to imagine from reading your blog, but I am just reading! How was it before marriage? Is that when it changed? I’m assuming that your affair with LM started after your husband lost interest? But maybe then you discovered your sexual side and you changed, but your husband doesn’t realize it. You’re not the same girl he married…Is he angry, sullen, pissed off about something? If he thinks there’s nothing wrong and doesn’t want to change things you’ve a huge problem because unless the two of you are willing to work on it how will things ever change? I do believe that a marriage without sex to glue it together is likely to fail, just as RW says. What’s the purpose of the marriage if both partners seek satisfaction elsewhere? If there is still a purpose of sufficient importance the marriage may continue just to fulfil that purpose, but for women like you it would be extremely frustrating.
    There are lots of people who will do just about anything while they are pursuing their goal of marriage, but once they achieve it, find that they don’t feel the same motivations any more. The pursuit was exciting, and when that ended it was boring. You need a hug.

    1. Thank you for thinking that hug. You’re right, I do need one… But only because I really like hugs 😉

      I think I only married my husband because I thought he was the only person that would want me. At the time hee seemed to be the only person that was attracted to me. But, that was because I had horrible, horrible self-esteem and I thought I would have to settle in order to not be alone for the rest of my life. I was young, I didn’t know how I would change or that I would change.

      The husband and I were wavering at our strongest of times. At the very beginning he broke up with me a couple times, but I came begging back each time and he took me back each time (see your article on codependence…) but like I said, I think I settled… My stupid need to help someone was directly related to my stupid self-esteem and it caused me to think that if I made him my husband, he would need me forever (therefore he would love me forever. Now I know that is not true, but I was young and horribly, horribly stupid!)

      So, I put up with things that I probably shouldn’t have. Like his lying and his not taking responsibility and his smoking two packs a day, etc…

      My Loverman showed me how it’s really supposed to work. His wife was/is neglecting him and he was looking for something more fulfilling. And WOW is he a great lover – the affair did change me sexually, but only because I never knew how great sex really is!! I didn’t know I liked it that much. Now that I know how sex is supposed to feel, I can say with confidence that the husband never satisfied me sexually – because I didn’t know my needs. Then I cheated because I was insanely attracted to this man that I worked with. And it seemed that he was insanely attracted to me. Even my co-workers told us over and over again that we would make a cute couple (well, we do…) Since I have discovered what I want and need in sex, I have talked to the husband and told him that I would like our sex to be more satisfying for me. He got defensive and we didn’t talk about it again – and we’ve only had sex 2 times since (over 3 years ago now…)

      When I try to tlak to him about anything serious he clams up and starts slamming doors and mumbling under his breath… Something that I absolutely love that he is teaching my teenage daughters! I really just want to be freed!

      1. I think many people, both men and women, discover how sex is supposed to feel later in life, perhaps through an affair. I think there’s a saying about how “sex is wasted on the young”, and so much more appreciated later. You have to remember though, that the feeling in an affair is, just about always, that you’re having the best sex of your life, and its not sustainable if the affair changes into a marriage or ends. Its partly due to the excitement I think. That being said, most people in affairs think that they’re having the love of their lives both emotionally and sexually, and if its the first time, (as in my case) it opens your eyes. I think it was very true of the OW in my case too…she’d never felt such intensity, she was in a way blinded by it. You realize how much better things could be, and its extremely difficult to go back to the way things were in your marriage and try to improve them. I don’t think you can get to that level within a marriage, except for a short time.

        1. I appreciate that reminder…
          I understand it only feels like a fairy tale romance because I want/need it to. I probably will never be able to have that feeling again.
          I will always have the memories and I will always be grateful to my LM for the things I have learned just in being with him.
          I know when the husband is gone and I have more freedom, things (me/I) might change again.
          I know that I am still learning about myself. And I am still making very stupid choices on a fairly regular basis.

          This is all very hard and I struggle with some very difficult mixed feelings every day.
          Having this blog and the few people that talk to me about it has been very helpful and very therapeutic and very educational.

  2. It’s not a simple issue, I think. Mismatched libidos is an enormous issue, especially one one partner’s libido changes drastically during the marriage. It’s a huge predictor of marital rot and downfall.

    Thanks for the plug! 🙂

      1. Your post hit me really hard that day.

        All of that are things that Loverman and I do for and to each other – and I think both of us have tried with our respective spouses…
        Both his wife and my husband seem to have absolutely no interest in intimacy…
        Sad for them, I guess. They’re really missing out on a good thing!

  3. The conventional thought is that cheating is wrong but, honestly, who could blame you? Your husband is missing out on a life worth living.

    1. I appreciate the sentiment, but I kind of blame me. Not for cheating as much as for not leaving him the first time I wanted to.

      But, if I had left the husband then, I would never have met my Loverman now…

      Everything happens for a reason…

  4. You are normal. Any man would DIE to have his wife feel about sex the way you do. Your husband is cheating on you with porn.

    If you want to try to fix your problem, he first has to admit there is one. The book ” His Needs, Her Needs” by Wilard F Harley will help your husband to visibly see how he is letting you down in this major area, thus opening up your marriage to extreme vulnerability.

    After that I would recommend counselling. If he wants this marriage he is going to have to participate. He doesn’t want to answer you because he is afraid of failing you, and if he pretends its not an issue (by not answering your questions), then he can stay in his bubble.

    Time for the bubble to pop. The “other woman” needs to be booted out of your marriage.

    1. I appreciate your point of view, but I don’t want this marriage to work. I am currently waiting for my teenagers to graduate from high school before I “kick him to the curb”. I have been completely sucked dry by him and I have no desire for that to continue any longer than it has. I have been down this road with him before, when our children were much younger.

      The only reason I am still married to him is because he is very ill and I don’t want my teenagers see me abandon him during a very unstable time of their lives. We manage the fights pretty well any more… I’m sure that it’s strage to our children that we sleep in separate rooms/beds every night, but they’re smart, they know our marriage is broken. I think we’re more like roommates that have the same kids…

      My post was just lamenting the fact that my husband does not participate and it has been that way for a long, long time… I would have liked my marriage to turn out differently. One where the husband would have participated. But it didn’t. So, I am trying to learn as much as I can while I can and then get the heck out of dodge. (so he can continue to suck me dry with monthly “spousal maintenance”)

  5. My ex was the same – he loved porn, striippers, but didn’t care for me. Soon our sex life lacked any thing. I laid there waiting for it all to end. It’s was a major symptom of the other problems we had in our marriage.
    Good for you for trying to work things out. It’s hard work and it seems you are asking the right questions.

    1. That’s just strange – is it because they just don’t want to be that vulnerable with anyone? Or they’re just not ready to be that intimate? Why the hell did they get married then? Did their parents have problems? (My husbands parents had naked pics of his mom and another woman together. They were very artistic… But, his parents were fairly open with their kids about their open relationship. And all of them (the ‘kids’) are pretty messed up as adults, all in completely different ways — don’t know if it’s related… Just always thought that part was very strange.) (I was raised by VERY prude parents so my perspective is completely off-the-charts different.)

Talk to me :-)

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