Another 19 Years

Another 19 Years

It’s another 19-year milestone! YAY!! (not!)

It’s not one that I am happy about or proud of, but this past Monday marked the beginning of my 20th year of spending eternity with The Husband (previously referred to as: Mr. Doom-n-Gloom). It was even more awkward because I had the day off from work in observance of Veteran’s Day…

It was the anniversary of our 19th year together and do you know what we did to celebrate? Not a fucking thing!
Do you know where we went? No fucking where.
Not really a surprise, though. Neither one of us are really “into” this “marriage-thing” any more (and like I have stated before: I don’t think The Husband ever was).

I made him caramel rolls from scratch for breakfast and I was the one who cooked the family dinner that day. Normally he is the one who makes dinner… I cleaned up the kitchen and then tried to stay away from his stupid, pouty ass for the afternoon (in case this was going to be “one of those days” that seem to come more and more frequently). I didn’t buy him anything or get him something physical — he’s so difficult to shop for now that we have lost touch with each other completely. Every once in a while I can find something that’s really “up his alley”, but usually those things are very expensive and I would rather drop that kind of money on my daughters — so I make him things that he doesn’t get to have regularly.

He bought me a coffee mug with 3 packets of Chai Tea and a Christmas Cactus. He gave them to me last Saturday morning. The tea was good, the mug was cute, the plant was okay — but he always gets me plants off the sale rack, then they die (is that a sign?).

I feel like I am downplaying his gifts and uplifting mine (I probably am — but this is MY blog, right?) but I liked what he gave me (except maybe for the plant that will die soon ;)). It was inexpensive and a little bit thoughtful. I am thankful.

I said “Happy Anniversary” twice (once when he got home from work in the morning and once when he woke up and I gave him his caramel rolls). He didn’t say it at all.

NOT ONCE did we come into physical contact with each other.

I guess that I can be happy with the fact that I have stayed married to this stinky, lazy, incompetent, immature, emotionally-vacant, inconsiderate, self-centered son of a bitch for 20 mother-fucking years! That’s a long-ass time to stay with a husband who won’t fuck you more than once every 12 months, or so! (it’s been almost 3 years this time, but that’s because I stopped caring about it or trying to get him to want me)

Go, Me!

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20 thoughts on “Another 19 Years

  1. 😦 I couldn’t live like that. Hugs to you. THAT was my life. Not 19 years, only 8 but my husband didn’t even come home. This is why I ended up easily able to have an affair. It just reminds me of how unhappy I was. I’m thinking of you.

    1. I hope things are getting brighter for you, my Dear.

      Thank you for the thoughts and the hugs…
      You know — I think about you a lot because I’m in Colorado, too… When you wrote that post a while ago “Shhhh! It’s a secret…” I totally thought “What if we were at the same coffee place one day? Would we be drawn to each other? Have we met before and we just don’t know?
      Creepy, huh? It’s just that your situation is so much like mine — but I don’t want to lose my Loverman, I want to lose the husband and keep my Loverman

      1. You should email me and we should meet for coffee lol. I sure could use a ‘real’ friend in the same boat lol. Colorado is huge though the chances that we are close are slim.

  2. This makes me feel very sad! How do you feel about all this? Do you feel like you even want to create happiness in your family anymore, or would you rather give up?

    1. Thank you so much for such a nice sentiment! Don’t feel sad for me, I am dealing — through this blog, and my sexy loverman. There is a light for me at the end of this tunnel, but it’s still far far away from me. The fact that I know there is an end helps me when I get really low down. But, my husband is “in it to win it”. He says he has “made this commitment and now [he’s] sticking to it.” I personally don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life (I don’t think anyone should be forced to choose unhappiness over happiness), so I am waiting for the right time to end this marriage — and that time just hasn’t come yet.

      I have given up on my husband, but I create happiness in my family all the time (I think). It is difficult, though, because there is tension between myself and my husband and that’s bound to rub off on my daughters. Also, my daughters are both teenagers, so it’s just difficult to create happiness for them — but I do try.

      I am waiting for the next part of my life to start. The one where I get to help my daughters be adults. The one where I get to sleep in a bed, with the person that makes me happy… Or not…

      1. Thank you for your response. I feel like i can understand your situation more. I didn’t mean that i pitied you, I don’t pity you, I believe there must be real reasons that brought you to where you are not in your life. And you’re a big girl. I also trust your experiences and judgement, after all you have persevered in uncomfortable circumstances for 19 years, and I am only 22 years old.

        When did it start to break down, if you don’t mind me asking?

        1. I don’t mind at all! I appreciate you asking – I have this blog so I can let people in. Maybe they can offer me some peace or a solution…

          (I apologize that this is so long, but you asked for it ;)…)
          The first time it broke down was about 13-14 years ago, right after my 2nd daughter was born. I was going through some severe post-partum depression and his apathy for me got overwhelming. I found a man that was interested in me, and we had an intimate relationship for about 8 months. That BF broke it off because he wanted something more serious and permanent and, as a married woman looking for self-esteem, I couldn’t give him that. My husband and I talked about getting a divorce at that point. We actually had (on paper) divided all of our stuff between the two of us. I don’t know what happened, we just stayed married (I think we had sex one day and I thought things would change — but I had NO self-esteem, so I could only make bad choices for myself).

          He was a better husband for about 6 months (that’s his time limit on being able to change) and then things went right back to normal. Him still neglecting all responsibility and refusing to acknowledge it. He doesn’t take care of himself or his family — only the bare-minimum…

          5 years ago I was offered a job in Colorado. I jumped at the opportunity to move (you should read my other 19 Years post… My parents are bad, bad people) because I had to get out of the place that made me hate myself and away from the people that enabled my self-loathing.

          Moving to Colorado was like removing my cocoon. All of that baggage and hate and disrespect were gone from my life and the air around me felt SO open. I started to see the real me and I started to love me, a lot. So much that I started to realize that my husband was really one of the enablers I mentioned earlier. I was just so lost in all the crap, I didn’t realize it.

          Now my husband is sick with kidney disease (from never taking care of himself) at the age of 42. His kidneys will probably never function above 50% again, for the rest of his life. His blood pressure is off-the-charts high (under control with meds right now, but he hasn’t paid ANY of his medical bills). But, he’s cool with all of that because he doesn’t think he’ll live to see his oldest daughter graduate next spring (sad!) — and he’s 100% sure he won’t live past 60.

          Is a Driver’s License Important?
          Just an example of his not taking responsibility.

          In the meantime I just pretend that I have a mentally incompetent teenage son.

          (steps down from soapbox)

          1. That is very interesting and I appreciate that you felt comfortable to share that with me. I wish we could speak more privately, I feel that all this is very open.

            I am very interested in studying what brings happiness to families, and what it takes to make a man feel very loved. I see that your husband has made many mistakes in his love for you. He didn’t learn how to perfect his love for you. And I also can see some of your short-comings too. We all have them.

            Would you be interested in reading my blog post called the 7 stages to the end of happiness in your relationship. Maybe you can identify your marriage in some of these steps. http://malavikasuresh.wordpress.com/2012/08/21/the-7-stages-to-the-end-of-happiness-in-your-relationship/

            I don’t believe what you have gone through was anything extraordinary. It actually very common and sadly, very painful. I wish you much happiness for your future though and I wish that you will once again find happiness in love, either with your husband or with a new partner.

            Malavika
            xo

          2. I agree, I have made a plethora of mistakes in my marriage – the first one was getting married too soon and for the wrong reason/s.
            The second, I enable his self-destructive behavior.
            And there are hundreds more, no doubt…

            Also, you’re right, it is sad that so many people are unhappy. But I think a lot of it stems from not knowing oneself before “tying the knot”.

            Yep – my husband and I are now hopelessly past Stage 7. We went through all of those stages.

            It seems like you are well on your way to happiness and contentment.
            Thank you SO MUCH for sharing these thoughts with me and offering up your insight. I really liked your post on the 7 stages – very sobering!

          3. I look forward to following your journey and offering support and wishing you happiness every step of the way. If you ever need another perspective, or if there is anything I can help you with, please consider me your friend.

            Malavika

  3. last year on our 19th, he arranged for our nexxus interviews to be that day. This year on our 20th..he spent the a 4 day week end with his mother ( rather than the week end before or after). So I accepted an invitation to spend the week end with my lover. it took a while to adjust to the idea of not trying to make him want me… and i have been much more emotionally stable. i thank god every day, i have a “man” in my life…one day i will be brave enough to leave the man i married and stayed with..he doesn’t deserve me..i can not do this another 20 years.

  4. I’ll bet he lives past 60.
    It’s so hard to make the choice isn’t it? In fact LM might not be the same if you do…. I guess you already think of yourself as single. Just that you have as you say ” a teenage son”. But it really sounds like you would be so much happier if he wasn’t there. You’d probably still have to support him. I hope they’re not coming after you for his unpaid bills.
    It is nice to hear you say youve emerged from your cocoon. Maybe it’s time to flutter those wings!

    1. Unfortunately, I’ll bet he lives past 60, too.

      BIG HUG!!!! I would most definitely be happier if my husband wasn’t around. But I think, in part, I created his monster-self so I feel a sense of responsibility to care for him… But not much longer – he’s still not taking care of his body.

      I AM worried that my relationship with LM will change, but only a teeny bit. I don’t want to switch the old model out for the new one, I just want to be happy… (and, trust me, here is where I am “fluttering those wings!”)

      As for the hospital bills, I don’t know what I am going to do about those… That scares the living shit out of me! He owes over $15,000 for his two-week stint in ICU and the envelopes are starting to get more foreboding-looking. I said in an earlier post (a long time ago) I think he’ll be served papers around Christmas-time… (Joy to the World… (sarcasm))

      I’m still trying to figure out the timing on the divorce thing — but there’s never really a good time to break up with someone who thinks everything is going just hunky-dory. I really want to get the hell out before I actually have to start paying his hospital bills. I resent him enough now, I can’t imagine how much worse that can get…

      1. I think I would consult an attorney/lawyer to see what responsibility you have for those bills, before and after a divorce. Don’t want to sound cold, but its good to know your options.

        1. I hear what you are saying. I have already checked — I am pretty much screwed unless he claims all of that debt as his own in the divorce.
          I might even “get” to pay Spousal Maintenance.

Talk to me :-)

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