My Daughter is so Mean

My Daughter is so Mean

Thing #2 was so mean to me last night.Girl Yelling Close Up

She told me that every time I say “I love you” to her, she only hears “I hate you”

She told me that I don’t care about her or anything about her

She told me that I never wanted her and that I regret having her as my child

She called me a fucking idiot

She told me that she wants to kill herself

That she thinks about running away every single day

I told her that if she hates it so bad, she is free to leave

She told me that I am a horrible mother over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

I told her she was a liar for all the times she said that she loved me and that she was thankful I am her mother

Angry MotherThe fight went on for at least an hour

I took away her computer

Now she is mad because she can’t do her homework

She has to work on the desktop computer in her father’s bedroom

I took away her phone

Of course, now she is mad she can’t call her boyfriend

I almost told her she couldn’t even see her boyfriend until she got a better attitude

This morning she asked me if I would give her a ride or if I wanted her to walk to school

I told her that I was still very upset with her (and I held my trembling hand out for her to see)

I asked if a horrible, idiot mother who didn’t care about her daughter would bring her to school

She decided to walk

All of this happened because I asked her to clean up her dirty dishes from my room last night

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14 thoughts on “My Daughter is so Mean

  1. teenage’sr are so horrible at times..so hurtful..so hormonal..just remember she doesn’t mean it..not really..just in the moment, because she’s crazy..and she’s crazy because she is a teenager. hugs mom.

    1. Thank you, dear! and hugs back to you 🙂 It sure feels like she meant it… Then, she comes back to me this morning acting like nothing happened… I know it’s because she’s completely batshit insane, it’s just getting harder and harder for me to let it roll off my back. I wish she would learn that saying nice words doesn’t make the mean ones go away. Also, I want her to know that the more she says the mean words, the less the nice ones mean… Make sense?

      I know. I was exactly this way with my mom. But my parents were a LOT meaner… I hope she grows out of it soon.

      1. Of course she will grow out of it. Its not okay for her to treat you that way. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are the grownup and are rational and stable. Try to find amusement in how she is acting. Try to remember that her actions are proof that she is developing normally, as horrible as she is being. “When you treat me like crap, it makes it very difficult for me to try and act like you didn’t hurt me.” She will hear everything you say…and one day will use how you respond as a model for how she will treat her own children. I have had a child break my heart over the last year and it’s horrible. Brutal. It kills you. Just try to get through and find simple joys and appreciate them. One day she’ll have kids, God willing…and payback is a bitch.

    1. Thank you! Yesterday was rough, but this morning things seemed to be back to normal. I still feel the need to be a bit trepidatious around her, but that will fade by the time I give her back her phone and computer Sunday afternoon 🙂

  2. First off, I really want to say I loved the format of this post. Instead of a paragraph, the single lines somehow were easier to read! But reading this brutally honest post reminded me of the hell I put my parents through when I was a teenager. I was so rude and obnoxious, in retrospect, though at the time I thought I was the one wronged. I used to have the same thoughts as your daughter, I always blamed my mum of loving my brother more-entirely untrue I might add- I used to yell and scream and bang doors and cry for hours over the smallest things. So silly! 🙂 But I hope that you know, that like me, your daughter will appreciate her mother a hundred times over when she leaves home and crosses the tumultuous teen angst years. Today I realize how strong and beautiful my mother is. During those horrible teenage years it is quite hard to appreciate your parents or the love and sacrifices they make. So from one daughter(ex teenage rebel) to a mother-this too shall pass! 🙂

    1. Thank you, A! 🙂 It was easier for me to write it that way, too. I used to write in my journal like that when I wanted to make things clearer to myself. It’s like taking a deep breath between thoughts.

      I know she only meant those things in the moment, but she did mean them… And I said those things to my mom, too. I just hope that my daughter has a much better relationship with me right now than I had with my mother when I was 15.
      I appreciate you posting from a younger-person’s point of view. I’ve been a mom for so long, I can still remember what I (and it) was like as a teenager, but now I have to be the mother first…

  3. I’m not in that place with my girls yet, thank goodness. I really think that with the baby and toddler years behind me, but at their current ages, I am probably in what they call one of the “easiest” places. I still have total control and adoration, but they are more independent now. Sigh. I have no advice for you, just cyber hugs and good thoughts.

    I did want to maybe point out one possibility though, and please know that I am NOT one to listen to a lot of psycho babble that ultimately gives the child control, no matter how they may be feeling. However, I wonder if your daughter feels the disconnect in the home? I wonder if she can feel your disdain for her father, and you have said that she is close with him, which in HER MIND, would equate your feelings for HIM, with HER. I know that you have most likely NEVER said anything of the sort, but children can and DO feel things and internalize them. I know that mine do already and they are only just 7.

    One of my daughters, when feeling threatened or sad or just “off” tends to lash out, rather than to express herself or her needs. Obviously she isn’t going to “express” herself perfectly, at just 7years old. But my other daughter can at least SAY what’s on her mind, even if it is irrational or laced with tears. I have learned that engaging with the first daughter I spoke of, through arguing with her or even direct punishment without a sit down, only backfires for me. And let me tell you, as a first born pleaser myself, I was ALWAYS of the opinion that you just followed the rules and if you didn’t like them, then tough. When my parents said “no”, that was the end of it. And if it wasn’t, the end was not pretty.

    HOWEVER, having had twins, born at the same time, of the same genetic pool, I have learned that my girls need very different types of discipline and discussion. They have totally different insecurities, buttons and needs. It was a surprise to me to have one who was wired EXACTLY like me, and one who was wired like I have no idea who! This is NOT to say that she doesn’t have to follow our rules or that she does not have to behave or endure punishments. I am simply saying that what works with one daughter, does NOT always work with another.

    Even in anger, when your daughter told you that when you say you love her, all she HEARS is that you hate her, I find that to be VERY telling. Even if those words were masked in teenage tones, tears, yelling and hormones, I believe that there is truth there. That is what makes me wonder if she can feel what YOU feel for your husband, and transfers it onto her. I strongly believe that our children KNOW when we are not happy. And that it is normal for a child to blame themselves for a failed marriage or a divorce. Obviously you are not divorced, but I am sure that even you know that the vibe in the home is not always a good one. Maybe she thinks that had you never had her, you wouldn’t be stuck with her father, who you do not like, and who she DOES relate to? Is it too deep? Maybe. Is it any reason to let her rule the roost? NOPE! But I DO think that there is still time to create a bond with her through open and honest communication about HER feelings, with tears included.

    I absolutely do NOT want to sound like I am against you or your own situation, as I know nothing about teens (yet) or your home life. I just know that my girls already act out at times, based on what is going on here, which for ME, is why I feel I need to leave soon. In reading between the lines, I saw a little girl who was trying to express her pain and sadness to you….but in a hormonal and teenager type way. Please do not confuse her poor communication styles, with her feelings not being real. And as parents, I know how easy it is to “stoop to their level”. I cannot even count the number of times I have found myself acting like a 4 or 6 year old, when my buttons were finally pushed too hard. We have to remember that WE are the parents and that no matter how badly our feelings are hurt, it is OUR job to show them UNCONDITIONAL love. After that is done, we can certainly tell them how their words and actions hurt us and affect us. But I do not think that how we feel on a deep emotional level about their actions, is really part of the issue, in the heat of the moment.

    I remember a time shortly after the birth of our twins. My Husband and I were still a real couple and we had some hurt feelings in regard to his parents, and how they were choosing to spend their time with his brother and his family over us. (that is a long story and isn’t as cut and dry as it sounds, but that was the premise for the sit down.) Anyway, we sat them down and tried to be open about sharing our time and making plans and then how it did hurt our feelings when they would cancel on us last minute, just b/c the other brother had an unpredictable schedule and funds. I learned very quickly that in HIS family (even though my husband initiated the conversation) that things like this, feelings, were NOT going to be addressed and cleared up properly. Instead, his mom sat there acting hurt, making comments about how her son had NEVER had this issue before (insinuating that it was MY issue, even though he’d never had the issue b/c he had never had CHILDREN before). She actually verbalized and pointed out all the times through the years that HE had hurt her feelings as a mother and so on. I found the discussion to be highly juvenile on her part. Children are GOING to hurt their parents feelings. And to hold onto that and not process it as just that….children acting as children or teens acting as teens, was really immature, I thought. And then to bring it up, to make her first born, people pleasing, like is black and white, SON….feel BAD for trying to be honest with her about something, just really upset me. It took about a year for things to normalize and I NEVER ever mentioned discussing ANY issues with them again. EVER. I learned very quickly that it was going to be easier to just sweep the obvious under the rug.

    My point is that THIS is how my husband obviously grew up. Being seen, but not heard. Having a mother who obviously showed disapproval in ways that translated into my husband being a perfectionist and in being highly critical and controlling and in NOT ever being able to handle things that didn’t go perfectly for him. I feel like had he ever had a chance to tell his mother how watching how his father treated her, made him feel, that we might not be in the place we are today. Even a few months ago, when I told my husband’s mother that her son had and has an issue with how his father treats her, she quickly defended her husband and his actions and discounted what her SON FELT. He grew up watching it, yet she would rather pretend that he didn’t, so that she doesn’t have to carry any guilt.

    Whew. Anyway. Please forgive my windy response. I was trying to show an example where a child can and does try to share their inner feelings and that YES….those feelings may very well hurt us, as parents. BUT….I believe that there is a truth in those emotional outbursts, that at a young age, many teens simply cannot put into a healthy form of communication. Lace the truth with teenaged manipulation and of course it is hard to tell what is real and what is just teenaged behavior. But I would recommend focusing not only on the consequences for her behavior, but what drove her to say what she said in the first place. Well before I hand back the phone, I’d have a heart to heart and let her know that what hurts you is NOT that she said she didn’t think you loved her, but that there is even the slightest possibility that she may MEAN it. Saying it in anger is one thing. Thinking that deep down, she might really feel that…..well that is another thing, entirely.

    Good Luck. (and glad that in other areas, things are going so well!!)

  4. Looks like we’re both going through the mill with our teenagers…
    How old is Thing#2? (Love that!)
    Luckily my SD doesn’t shout or moan at me, she just seems sad all the time.
    She used to do a lot of door slamming but we seem to have move on from that to darker things, i almost miss the door slamming in comparison.
    i tried the ‘fling it back at her approach’ (didnt get us anywhere) and the ‘just hug me’ approach (more successful) and now i put my therapist hat on and say ‘so how does that make you feel’ (calms her down at least!)
    Just take it on the chin and be there for her. She is using you as her punch bag. i try to give SD time to blow off steam, to be her, to vent her frustrations but it’s soooo hard to take.
    You never know, one day she might even say thank you!!!

    1. Thank you, Invisible Woman,
      She’s 15 and acts just like I did when I was that age. Also, she’s acting like her father does…
      “Flinging it back at her” makes it worse, “just hug me” is okay but that works better for me 🙂 and she has already told me how she feels so asking her that will only aggravate her. A friend of mine suggested saying, “That really sucks! What would you like to do about it?” but I think that would just frustrate her more 🙂
      I know I’m her punching bad, but sometimes it’s hard to take. It hurts when she says those things and now I don’t really want to hear her say the words “I love you”. I hear something different when she says them, too.

Talk to me :-)

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