Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Foul and Moody Do Not a Good Foundation Make

on April 28, 2013

Saturday grocery shopping is getting harder and harder to do. Every weekend (because the husband allegedly refuses to get a driver’s license) I get to drive Mr. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 around to do the weekly shopping.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here. When it comes to Mr. Doom-n-Gloom I can never pin down what I mean… With him it’s a deep emotional manipulation that he’s been playing for years. I get lost in it because he completely uses my emotions. He plays off of pity (he acts truly pathetic and, at this point, I think he only does it so I will let him stay here with me out of pity).

When I try to actually bring up some kind of problem that I have with him he turns it back onto me; if that doesn’t work, he starts to play the martyr (pathetic) card, and when that doesn’t work he gets petulant. He acts like a dog who I have beaten too much and he just gets so pathetic that I have given up trying with him because I know, at this point, no problem/s can truly be dealt with (and, because of his lovely behavior, NEVER will!).

He’s so foul and moody all the time. All his conversations are negative. I can’t remember if it was always this way, or if I just started realizing it now that I am trying to practice more gratitude (I wish he would try a little bit of that!!!). His complaining is starting to rub off on Thing #2 and I would like to “nip this thing in the bud”. My conversations with her about gratitude fall on completely deaf ears as she watches her father reflect on the Pitiful Heaviness of Being.

Here is an example:
Every single morning he complains about the guy that drives him to/from work. Every single morning I ask him why he keeps riding with this guy if he hates him so much. Mr. Doom-n-Gloom’s response, every single morning is, “He’s a reliable ride.” But every single morning we have that same, exact conversation… What I think is: after all this time, this dude is the only one at his job that can actually tolerate being alone with Mr. Doom-n-Gloom for longer than 5 minutes. Meanwhile, this ENTIRE getting-driven-to-work situation could be prevented if the muther-f##ker would just get his muther-f##king driver’s license!!!!

Thing #1 doesn’t even like to be around him any more. She avoids interacting with him when at all possible — it’s sad that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with her father. She is frequently hurt by Mr. Doom-n-Gloom’s behavior towards her and the things he says. At one point he told her that he probably wasn’t going to live to see her graduate high school — that devastated her. (I told him one day that I felt that was a COMPLETELY inappropriate thing to say to his underage child!!! He simply said, “It’s probably the truth. She needed to know” and that was the end of it.) She pulled back from their relationship and, ever since then, has been very distant toward him — in turn, he treats her even more negatively. Making no attempts at repairing the damaged relationship with his oldest daughter — knowing full-well that she turns 18 in 2 months and will probably be moving out of his life soon. She feels the favoritism that he has towards Thing #2, it’s obvious, he doesn’t try to hide it in any way (at times I think he does it intentionally — emotional manipulation…) but he says that it’s Thing #1’s fault. I say, who gives a flying fuck whose fault it is?! You are the adult and the father. BE THOSE THINGS!!

It is pointless for anyone to talk to him about it. He just acts butt-hurt and slams doors for an indeterminate amount of days. In the end it boils down to what appears to be a lack of respect and consideration for any other physical beings outside of himself. All he can think of is himself and how miserable everything is for him all the time. I have tried to tell him that feeling a little gratitude for the little things might help his foul outlook on everything else.

The man obviously needs therapy, if just to learn how to act towards other people… Because I am not going to tolerate his childish behavior forever — I have told him as much. It doesn’t seem to matter to him (probably because I have never left him and I am still here). Even therapy seems pointless because we would have to go together in order to get him to go and that would be under the false pretense that I want to make our marriage work again (our marriage never worked. I didn’t know what a functional relationship was supposed to be like. It was always broken like this, I just didn’t see it until 5 years ago) — it would just be he two of us “fighting with supervision”. Mr. Doom-n-Gloom thinks he’s a totally wonderful person and that everyone else has the problem.

Here are a few examples of how he acts; in private, in public, on the phone, with strangers, etc… I am guessing that this could be why people aren’t his “friend” for more than a few months before they stop talking to him (or stop giving him rides to work).

  1. He interrupts individuals mid-sentence so he can correct them
  2. When someone talks about something positive he brings up why it’s so negative.
  3. UNLESS his illness (his kidneys are functioning at 35% because of his prolonged, untreated high blood pressure) is the topic of conversation, then the words are always great! He likes to put a positive spin on this one so he can rationalize that “it isn’t that bad” — but he’s still drinking 64 ounces (NO SHIT! Two full pots a day — cream and sugar and everything) of coffee a day and eating like food will be extinct tomorrow (but no fruits or veggies! Oh, No! Only the processed chemical-filled demi-food is good enough for his sick belly)… He will lie talk about his progress with you for hours… I think he’s delusional…
  4. He hears someone (anyone) talking and has to become a part of the conversation — sometimes when I’m/they’re talking on the phone — most of the times to correct what’s being said (is that a superiority or inferiority complex?!)
  5. When I try to talk to him about something, like cleaning up a mess he made (example: leaving the remnants of raw chicken just sitting on a cutting board in the kitchen after dinner has been cooked and eaten — he just leaves the entire mess on the counter. I strongly believe in cleaning things up while they’re still “fresh”) or how I don’t appreciate it when he interrupts, he gets very upset and, no matter how calm the situation is, he totally freaks out and slams his bedroom door and then proceeds to ignore me and/or huff at me for at least 2 more days. I don’t condone this behavior but when I try to tell him that a 44-year-old man doesn’t act like that, he does it again! So I don’t talk to him about it — incidentally, this is how Thing #2 acts as well.
  6. I think his favorite is how he likes to complain about other people’s behavior and comment, under his breath, how much he hates it when others display the same exact behavior he demonstrates on an almost ritualistic basis.
  7. He does all this in front of (and to) our daughters as if this is acceptable social behavior.

I don’t know, it seems like it could be, but I need someone on the outside to tell me:
Do you think Mr. Doom-n-Gloom truly is a Narcissistic Sociopath? Am I in denial that his emotional condition is that degraded? Or am I completely exaggerating the situation because I am too melodramatic and intolerant? Do you think that *I* am a narcissistic sociopath?


13 responses to “Foul and Moody Do Not a Good Foundation Make

  1. Confessions of Your Husband's Mistress says:

    I don’t believe you’re the narcissist. I do think your husband needs some serious therapy. How could he be alright with his daughter distancing herself? It seems so counter to any parenting desires – even when they’re teenagers, most parents want to develop a better relationship. I feel so much for you!

    • Your ex is a douche-bag, too! Your situation sucks ass!!!
      My stupid, ignorant husband only gives a shit about himself. That’s why he doesn’t give a shit about his daughters. My asshole father is the same way — he simply doesn’t have feelings. When I do eventually leave the husband, I think you know, I fear that he will become homeless and helpless — either that or he will move back home to his parents house like his sister did. No matter what, I think he will essentially abandon his children. As my father essentially did with me.

      My father hasn’t spoken to me, or his granddaughters, since 5 months after we moved out here — that was 5 years ago. Now, in 1.5 weeks, he is going to be here to “celebrate” my eldest’s graduation. There will probably be a couple of entries coming up about that 😉 Whew! Both my parents are going to be here AND the husband’s parents, too.

  2. No… he is exhibiting very disturbing behavior. I was cringing in several places while reading your story.. the fact that he is making you question your sanity with his twisted behavior is maybe one of the biggest red flags. And yes, if he is convinced that you won’t leave then he won’t change a thing long-term.

    • I was really hoping that you would read this and comment 🙂 I don’t know if I was hoping for some magical, therapeutic answer or validation or what… Either way, thanks!

      I know he’s not going to change — we were going to separate about 12 years ago, he promised to change, he did temporarily, then things went back to “normal”. 5-1/2 years ago we moved far, far away from our bad habits and our families who fueled our bad habits — at least I did. I was able to separate emotionally from our sordid past when we moved — probably because that was MY reason for moving. He moved because that’s what I was doing and he didn’t have a problem with where I’d chosen. Moving, for me, was VERY cathartic. My evolution was well underway when I met Loverman and he filled in some of my blanks (no pun intended ;)) and helped me learn how to actually fly and soar (without knowing or even trying). The longer I know him, the more I learn about how I should feel. It’s elating!

      Now, I am in a holding pattern with leaving the husband… I am waiting for the younger (his favorite) daughter to graduate from high school (or for her to get sick of his shit, too) so I can then just be completely free of him — not having to worry about custody, etc… And he can take care of his own self (or not)…

      • Well, I know I didn’t give you any magical answers. I do hope I can offer a little validation, though.

        Narcissistic sociopaths know what other people expect from them. They know how they are SUPPOSED to act. They also know how to manipulate the situation. They will give you what you want just long enough for you to relax, believe them, and let your guard down. Then they are right back to doing whatever the hell they want to. They never really regard your feelings, they just try to control them to get what they want. They have no empathy – their only worry about other people’s feelings is in regard to how it effects THEM.

        The more you grow and change, the less the narcisistic sociopath likes it. He wants you to be exactly how you always were. If you change and grow, you throw off his ability to manipulate you. It makes it harder for him. He can become petulant and act out, much the way a child would throw a tantrum. Then say he is sorry and promise to do better… it’s an endless cycle. I really hope that you can get away soon. It’s emotionally draining to say the least.

        • Thank you 🙂 I am working on a plan to get away, but it’s long-term. I have to get rid of some debt and then I am going to start saving money to move. I should be ready, completely, in 2-3 years — maybe I can do it as a gift to myself on my 45th birthday… Some of that money I am saving I will be giving to the douchebag husband, as a severance check if you will. I am hoping that if I can “pay him off” at the end, he won’t try to get me for spousal maintenance. If things happen sooner than that because the daughter gets sick of her dad’s shit before I had anticipated, I am sure that my parents would be more than happy to give me money to leave the bastard (but that is a complete, last resort because I really don’t want to hear “I told you so” unless I have to).

          I keep re-reading your posts (and the links) about narcissistic sociopaths, but it just seems so much more extreme than Mr. Doom-n-Gloom. Then, I re-read a couple of my posts about my husband and I think he could really actually be that bad… Does therapy even help? I am not asking because I want to make the marriage work, I am asking because I want my children to have a relatively-normal father, not someone so in love with himself he’s blinded to all others.

          • If he is narcissistic and/or a sociopath, then unfortunately therapy doesn’t really help. Mostly because those type of people don’t see anything wrong with the way that they are. Even if they do want to change, it is very hard because they seem to be missing things that the rest of us have – like empathy. Generally something got really twisted and stunted when they were children, and to go back and fix it takes a lot of effort, which they usually don’t care to put in.

            I was worried that my ex would try to fight for something from me, but the law is pretty straight-forward, and he wouldn’t really have the opportunity to manipulate a judge the way he could me. The biggest hurdle, though, was that he would have to actually pay for a lawyer, which he was too cheap to do.

          • The lawyer is why I have to take so long to get through to the end.
            I have thought a lot about the husband’s childhood and I think I know why he’s so messed up…

            Thanks for the chat, BeautifulMess! I am working my way out of my hole 🙂 slowly but surely! …just need to vent about his douchiness sometimes…

          • Totally understood!

  3. rgonaut says:

    I know we’ve talked before about your Hs weird behavior and fetishes. I wonder if he believes you will stay and continue to enable him?

    • Hi, Rgo!
      I am sure that’s what he believes – we’ve been together for 20 years so, to him, it’s probably just a fact of life. He likes to play the commitment card — he brings up our marriage vows: sickness, health, richer, poorer, ’til death do us part and the fact that I signed a legal document stating I would be his partner. It’s getting easier to let those words just roll off my back, though… I may have said that I would be married to him for all of that, but I had no idea that he was just going to ride my coattails the entire way… I did NOT sign up for that 🙂

      • rgonaut says:

        No you didn’t. Some of the things you described to me are so strange that I think he will need institutional care eventually.

        • I agree and I fear that his children will have to be the ones to have him committed (after his parents and older sister pass away and his children are all he has left). Because if it’s left up to them, I am worried that they will just let him move in with them and cause them the same problems as he did me…

          I really just want the loser to go and get his drivers license back already! That would seem like a HUGE step to me. Also, a huge relief for me!

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