I go for days without saying anything and then you can’t shut me up to save my life… Also, it doesn’t help that I have just finished drinking what I have determined to be “enough to help me pass out for the rest of the night” (be advised that there will probably be a rant-y post tomorrow about the things that I WANT – because, for fuck’s sake, I am really starting to feel like all I am is a purse that people reach into when they feel like they ‘need’ something frivolous *sigh* — except for Thing #1 and Thing #2, bless their loving hearts.)
My last post was difficult for me to finish. I started it three days ago feeling something totally different from what I felt when I finished it. Somewhere in the middle I actually wrote, to be deleted before I published it, “I can’t write this any more. I’m just not feeling it…” (there was more, but I deleted it, and I have been drinking tequila so my recall is severely impaired). Maybe you can tell what point that was, maybe you can’t, but I know and I can tell…
I find myself in this dilemma more and more often: I really, REALLY want him to be mine. (Maybe not mine as much as NOT HERS!!!!) While there are times when I can cope with being “last on his list” there are other times when I wish I was the ONLY one on that list. And those times are coming more and more often. This is exactly what I was feeling when I got all entitled with him, some time back, and he stopped talking to me. You will read a tiny bit more about that in a sec…
Who determines when we can or cannot be selfish??? I feel like a pretty selfless person most of the time. I try to base my life on gratitude. I try to think of all the things I am thankful for, every single day. I try to thank the people I am thankful to — and mean it. I even think of how I am even thankful for Mr. Doom-n-Gloom (that’s probably why I let him stay living in my home for so long). I want to emulate the inner peace of Buddha. But, I cannot possibly make peace with this one simple fact: nothing lasts forever.
Ironically, those were the words I told myself over and over again in High School and then again when Loverman wasn’t talking to me for 5+ months (3 years ago now? At least that’s how long I HOPE it was — I was so unhappy and empty and alone, and I tried to be happy; I TRIED to get past him). Those words worked magically in High School, I practically meditated on them. But no matter how many times I told myself those words when Loverman had left me, my mind always repeated back to me, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was meant to be.” Those words counteracted what I was trying to convince myself — NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY LAST FOREVER!
I WANT to be vulnerable around Loverman, but every time I expose myself (and NOT in the flesh, that’s not a problem) I really want to pull myself away from him. It’s like I am looking for reasons to be mad at him. Usually I can rationalize with myself that I am begin IRrational, but when vulnerability is concerned I just can’t do it.
I am being oversensitive right now. Because I shared something with him that made me feel vulnerable, now that I can’t spend the ‘correct’ amount of time with him, my mind starts to tell itself that the reason he isn’t responding to me is because I scared him off by letting him see ‘too much’ of me.
Part of me that wants to fight those thoughts, but right now the ‘evil’ thoughts prevail. It has been this way all day so you can’t tell me it’s the tequila talking — that’s just what’s helping me be so forthcoming here. Right now my mind is telling me that he isn’t responding as much as I want him to because I scared him away or, even worse, he’s sick of me!
A lady that I work with is talking to me about these same issues. Today she told me that she looks up to me and how I handle things. Although I find that flattering, I also find it flabbergasting. Her father killed himself and I am trying to make heads or tails of my feelings about a fucking affair!
How fucked up is it that even that fact can’t bring me back to rationality?!?