We had a good talk last night. Not everything that we needed to talk about, but something is better than nothing, right?
I picked Loverman up to go roller skating and we said our hellos as he was getting into my truck. He was less amorous than usual and he had been for the last few days. I was feeling that way because we hadn’t really talked since Sunday morning, and I for sure didn’t like the way I behaved the last time we spoke, (I almost acted like a total boob when I couldn’t do the oil change on my truck Sunday morning — as it turned out I acted only partially boob-y. Even while I was successfully trying to slow down and think about what I was saying I still ended up feeling like shit in the end.) so I kept telling myself that he must be mad at me because, sure as shit, *I* was mad at me.
The simple truth is, I was feeling too much distance between us. I knew it was irrational thinking and that I was wrong, but when that feeling overtakes me, I go crazy inside my head. If you’ve read my last few entries, you know that I was feeling lost and hurt. Through those entries and all my negative thoughts, the ‘good side’ of my brain would be saying, over and over, “You know he isn’t angry with you. If he was he would tell you. He’s just busy” whilst the ‘bad side’ was arguing louder and more convincingly, “He’s totally sick of you, and the way you acted last Sunday was very entitled and unappreciative. He’s mad at you and you deserve to be shut out!”
This self-doubt happens when we spend “too much” time apart and I don’t have a chance to rub my naked body all over his… It seems like I really actually need the physical intimacy as well as the emotional intimacy I have with Loverman — for some reason I cannot yet fathom. Deep down I knew (and still know) that the ‘good side’ was the CORRECT side (it ALWAYS is). The ‘bad side’ was just louder and more persistent — so, out of frustration and lack of reserve, I let the more tenacious side win.
But that’s where it stopped — inside of my head.
When I felt frustrated, lost or hurt I wrote something to help me exorcise the ‘bad side’. While it didn’t completely suppress the demon, it sure as hell helped calm me down from insanity-level-10 when I spoke with Loverman — it temporarily muzzled the anger and hate until I was ready deal with it on a much more rational level.
It turns out that the last few days were pretty tough for him. He’s been having serious problems with the truck that he bought a couple of months back and his driver’s license was suspended last year the day after he paid to get it reinstated. He found that out this week while trying to register the damn truck. He’s been trying to fix a friend’s car and, no matter what he does, it doesn’t work. Last week he helped a friend move (a ‘friend’ that promised he would pay Loverman for his time, truck and fuel) but the ‘friend’ said that he would have money for him this Monday — he didn’t. His best friend’s grandfather died… I could go on, but why? My ‘good side’ was right all along. I KNEW it, but my ‘bad side’ still prevailed, no matter how much the goodie-goodie argued…
After we said our hellos he still seemed distant, and I really needed to know that we were ‘okay’. So I outright asked him “Are you mad at me?”
“No, peanut, I am not mad at you. I am never mad at you. Why do you keep asking me that?”
I thought for a second about my response, because I wanted it to be genuine and as free of negativity as possible, “It’s just that when we don’t talk for a while I start to feel distant from you – forgettable. I get insecure and my brain starts telling me things. Once I start feeling that way, tiny evil thought monsters take over my brain and start destroying all the positive things I keep telling myself. Eventually I start believing the evil thought monsters, and I HAVE to ask you because I really need to know.”
He smiled at me, leaned over to kiss me and he said, “You’re such a peanut. I am not mad at you and I am not sick of you. Now kiss me again and let’s go skating!”