When We Woke Up

When We Woke Up

Waking up Wednesday morning was pretty much the same as falling asleep the night before: Loverman fast asleep while I was awake and trying not to disturb him too much. My mind started wandering again, thinking the wrong thoughts. I guess the conversations and the love we had the night before had not been enough to assuage my negative feelings about the money I have been giving him. By the time he woke up, I couldn’t tell if it was my sniffling that woke him or if he had just woken up naturally (it was probably my squirming).

He rolled over onto me, wrapped his arm around me and squeezed me tightly. “What’s wrong, Mamacita?”

“Nothing.”

He asked again, “Mamacita, please tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I don’t want to argue or ruin our time together. It’s nothing.”

Third time’s a charm… “Sometimes I can’t help but feel that maybe you’re just using me for my money. I keep telling myself that it’s not true. I know that it’s wrong and that’s why I didn’t want to talk about it, because it IS wrong and I don’t want to fight with you about something so stupid.”

His arms released me so he could sit up next to me and I rolled over to face him. He wasn’t angry or irritated. It looked like he was thinking very hard about the right thing to say… I didn’t wait for his response, “But you could just tell me right now that you don’t feel that way and it would help me feel a whole lot better.”

“Do you think we would be able to do all the fun things we do together if it was just the money? Mamacita, it is SO fun doing things with you, I don’t want you to think it’s just the money.” The next thing he said was so sweet it made my heart skip a beat, “I do things with you that I used to do by myself; things that I never used to even think about doing with other people. Like going to the junkyard and fixing a car…” His words drifted off.

“Awwww, that was so sweet! Thank you. I know it’s silly, but I really appreciate you saying that, it means a lot. Thank you for sharing your alone times with me, baby.” I leaned up to kiss him, pushed him down onto the bed and then tossed the sheets up into the air high enough that I would be able to crawl under them (and on top of him) quickly. As my body lay on top of his I looked at him and said, “I am sorry that I made that rule where we can’t say ‘I love you’. It’s a stupid rule! Because I DO love you and sometimes I really, really want to say it and I wish you could say it, too.”

We made love again and, in the afterglow, we talked a little more about the money issue. We talked about how we are both afraid of losing the other to “someone better” and we came to the conclusion that neither one of us really want anyone “better”. We are happy and neither of us is going anywhere. I talked about how easy it is to be comfortable around him, how I don’t want to have to do all that work again with another person. He agreed and then we drifted off to slumberland…

We woke up right before 8AM and, while we were showering, I reminded Loverman about what we were supposed to be doing that day: getting his driver’s license fixed and getting his truck payments caught up. Then I asked him if he wanted to do something that I had mentioned a few days ago:

I mentioned that I had a little money in savings and was thinking about buying a car for Thing #1 at the impound auction which they just happened to be holding on Wednesday morning, and since we were going to be together that day anyway, maybe it would be cool to go and check it out. Even if we didn’t buy a car, we would get to do something fun, new and educational together and that’s always a blast. Then, maybe we would be able to go again another time knowing better WTF…

I knew what he was going to say, but I asked him (anyway) what he wanted to do for the day. I knew what we should be doing, but I also knew that if we did manage to get a cheap, working car at the auction,  he would have something functional that drives him around until my daughter can get her license and he can afford to get his broken truck up and running properly.

His answer was what I expected and we ended up hurrying up to get to the car auction by 9 o’clock. We were only 5 minutes late, paid our deposit to get in and then started to wander around looking at the cars. A few days before I had sent Loverman a list of the cars that would be in the auction and he had a few specific ones that he was interested in and wanted to take a look at.

The auction started at 9:35 and we raced to get back to the one car that we thought maybe we would be able to afford. We lost 😦 because we didn’t really know what we were doing. Auctions are hard! It’s hard to understand the auctioneer and, once we got the hang of things, the auction was practically over… But, we both agreed that it was an AWESOME experience and that we had a really, really good time there together. Also, both of us said that we want to do it again, even if we don’t buy anything… It was THAT fun!! 🙂

After I was sufficiently sunburned (even though I had on SPF 45! We were out in the direct HOT sun for almost 3 hours. I’m starting to peel today…) and our water supply was running dry, Loverman said, “Well, we might as well get going to the DMV to get my license issues worked out…”

“Okay, Baby. But can we go get something to eat when we’re done there. The donut we shared for breakfast is starting to wear off.”

Loverman laughed at me and said, “See? I will starve your ass!”

“I know, sexy man! That’s why I told you how hungry I am… And thirsty!”

His response was a bout of laughter and then, “Okay, Mamacita! We will get something in your tummy when we’re through. And some extra root beer!”

Amazingly, we only had to wait for 5 minutes at the DMV before they called his number and the whole thing was said and done in less than 30 minutes! It was CRAZY how fast it went! We had McDonald’s for lunch and I even drank my extra root beer (I was so thirsty I finished the large McDonald’s soda all at once and then went straight back for a refill. Loverman had a really good laugh about that one!).

This wasn’t the end of our day, however. He still had to drop me off at home so I could spend some time with Thing #1 because I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her (a day early, but I couldn’t get Thursday off… and I did spend the morning trying to get a car for her…). She would be turning 18 and I just got her some new skates… Wednesday is our skating night so I wanted to make sure they were in perfect working order before we set out at 6PM. Loverman was going to drop me off at home and then come pick me up again for skating. So, when he left to run some more errands, I gave him very specific instructions not to pick us up any later than 5:45, and then I told him that I don’t mind as much when he’s late for me, but it’s her birthday can he PLEASE be on time!

My oldest daughter and I had a great time putting together her skates; getting them ready, making sure the wheels weren’t too stiff and that the trucks weren’t too loose. We fastened all the screws and changed out her new bearings for a pair of my old ones

And guess what! Loverman was late picking us up. This time my emotions were much less controllable and when he called to tell me where he was and why he was late, I said, “Okay” and then promptly hung up the phone. Immediately afterward I felt terrible for hanging up on him, but also I felt somewhat justified. So, I waited another 20 minutes and, when he still hadn’t picked us up, I called him again (I am proud of the way I handled this call as opposed to the other one where I hung up). First off, I was immensely surprised that he even answered because he really doesn’t like it when I hang up on him — I figured that he just decided to go home instead of picking us up. Second off, I immediately thanked him for answering the phone. Thirdly, I apologized for hanging up on him “I am sorry that I hung up on you. It was the wrong thing to do. I was so angry at you I thought I was going to say something mean, so I just hung up instead.”

He apologized and told me that he had forgotten to drop his friend’s car keys off and had to turn around half way to us and go back to where he came from. Then, on his way back, traffic caught him and there was nothing he could do.

He finally picked us up over an hour late! I had settled myself down to a mild simmer and really just wanted to head to the skating rink to get my exercise on and my stress out. Thing #1 had been waiting patiently for him this entire time (bless her patience!) and her lightness of spirit was trying to rub off on me. We had fun talking during the short ride and, by the time we got to the rink, I had calmed down almost entirely.

My feelings have been challenging me to the extreme for the last few weeks and I am ready to just have a normal, feeling-free week of peacefulness. Unfortunately, my lovely Aunt Flo came this morning and I am back on my roller coaster of emotions for a couple more days anyway….

But, I am proud of the way I am learning to handle myself and look at things. I can’t blame others for the choices that I am constantly making — even if I make the choice with someone else in mind, it is still very much MY choice. I can’t be angry at Loverman when he doesn’t respond the way I want him to; he is programmed differently and reacts differently so I need to be more mindful of the things that he does do in response or reaction (and others, too).

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “When We Woke Up

  1. It’s hard, isn’t it?
    The Spice and I came so close to having a fight tonight. She’s on a negative bent, and no matter how I tried to step back and be objective, she heard every comment as a denigration which fed into her “it’s all me” thing.
    (Plus, it sort of pisses her off when I step back. After 36 years, I’m still not sure why. )
    Sometimes you just gotta love them in spite of them. Sometimes, in spite of yourself. I think that your sharing of the thought processes as you relate these your reaction has helped me when I needed it most. To see that, we have no control over what transpires. All we can do is to try to see what happened … And to try again.
    Thank you so much for sharing!

    1. (and hope like hell that she sees you trying!!! 😉 )

      What a nice thing for you to say! Thank you! Also, I think this is a very productive comment as it helps me
      to see that relationships are really super difficult and you really need to care about the person you’re in it with in order to make it work. Adapting your own behaviors so as to not collide with the other’s all the time, and vice versa. I really only want to try this hard to get along with LM because I care about him so much. I wonder what it
      would have been like if I had felt this kind of deep passion for the husband, and if he had felt a deep passion for me…

      Then I wouldn’t have found Loverman. Or I would have, but we would have only ended up as friends…
      I guess then I wouldn’t have needed him to be more than friends… Huh?

      Also, I have been fighting the tendency to do the opposite of what I need/want: when I feel the most like I want to run away that’s when I ask Loverman to hold me the closest, and he does, and it helps me. I think women have such crazy emotions happening inside of them all of the time, sometimes it’s hard to sort them out long enough to know what the fuck is happening. I know that when I get lost and my emotions start twirling, I feel SO alone and powerless.
      That’s when I realize how much I crave stability. Loverman is so good at that, so much that there are times I rely on him to help me unwind. And it really helps me to know that he feels the exact same way. I think that it has helped us now that I am able to slow myself down long enough to SEE the turmoil and try to understand how to articulate it. That is VERY hard.

      Fear of loss is my motivation.

Talk to me :-)

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s