Twirling

Twirling

“There are times when we stop, we sit still. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper.”
James Carroll

I don’t really have any words to express how I feel. That’s why my blog pages have been so blank the last couple of weeks. I think I sat still too long and let the whispering breezes from another world get the better of me…

There’s a lot of confusion and hurt running rampant in my brain and I haven’t been able to find the words to help me describe it. The best word I can use to describe it is: twirling. Except for this type of twirling isn’t like spinning for the sheer joy of spinning, or anything like that.

I feel a breeze of bewilderment with a shade of hurt in there, but I can’t figure out where the hurt is coming from. I think there’s love and some brightness, too, but right now they’re overwhelmed by the other feelings and emotions twirling around inside with them.

Why do I feel so bewildered and overwhelmed? What’s causing the hurt? Why can’t I figure it out and make it stop? I’m afraid that I am ignoring some of the whispering breezes on purpose; maybe I don’t want to hear what they are telling me.

Maybe it’s just a phase…

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4 thoughts on “Twirling

  1. I’m sorry. I hope it’s just a phase. I know what you mean though, about possibly ignoring certain thoughts or maybe even certain things you KNOW, but just aren’t ready to deal with.

    Another thing that used to get me down, when I was involved with MM, was stopping to realize every so often, that my life with him was not my real life. That the one that I loved, was not really mine. That he likely never would be. The sadness would sometimes hit, when I slowed down enough to look around at my REAL life (even with MM in it, at the time) sometimes just realizing that I wasn’t REALLY living, what I thought I was, or what I was FEELING, just let me feeling down or off or just….maybe empty. Not sure of the word either. Most of the time, I would try to ignore it and sometimes it worked, but sometimes, I just couldn’t.

    I eventually got over the every day things that I was not a part of with him, and even the big “cliche” holidays, and what they were “supposed” to be or mean. But days like….my birthday, for instance, those days would get to me. Even if I was doing something fun with my friends or family or my children, not having the person that I loved, and wanted to be with more than anything, with me or near me, or spending that day with me, could get to me. Even if we had plans to see each other at some point, to celebrate my day, it just drove home the truth in my head.

    It was the idea that with everyone else, it was always them loving me, and trying to make it special by asking what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go, etc….but knowing that with HIM, none of that would matter. Just being with him, doing anything, would have made the day perfect and would have left me totally fulfilled. Our situation was lacking in that “realness” and that realization would sometimes sneak up on me when I least expected it.

    Anyway…like I said, I hope this passes and that you start to feel more settled soon. I understand my own version of what you are saying, and it is no fun to be in that place. Hang in there.

    1. WOW! You understand completely! Everything you said…
      I think you’re right about the “real life” thing. I want Loverman to BE my “real life” and there are frequently things in my “real life” that happen that I really WISH I could be sharing with him… Also, there are things that happen when I am with him that totally make it seem like he already is my “real life”.
      It’s confusing me.
      Thank you ❤

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