Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

The Silent Treatment

on August 27, 2013

Mask of Loneliness
by ~Dhevi

First, I want to say “Thank you” to everyone who reads my words. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for coming here to read what I am saying. Thank you for letting me share my journal with you. Thank you for your help and kind advice.

Sometimes I think that I am over-reacting or being melodramatic. This is one of those times, but I feel totally wretched inside and my heart really hurts and it doesn’t feel like it’s over-reacting.

Loverman is completely ignoring me now. I sent him three text messages last night with no response.

  1. 6:05PM – We’re home (when I got home safe — still trying to follow the rules… Stupid me!)
  2. 9:15PM (I tried to call him first. Ring, no answer.) – Hey there, sexy pants. Do I still get to go out with you tomorrow night? (Reaching out just in case… Again, stupid me!)
  3. 11:40PM – I wish I knew you were okay, too. (because I couldn’t sleep. I was very angry and starting to worry that he’s really NOT okay!)

I promised myself that if I didn’t get a response after I sent the 3rd message, I would just leave him alone until he decides it’s time to talk to me again.

He didn’t even have the decency to say, “Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Give me a couple days”, or anything like that. I think that would hurt less (maybe, I don’t know. It might be better to actually know he’s ignoring me and not hurt or in jail or something). At least then I would know something.

I broke my promise to myself (one of the biggest causes of unhappiness, according to Karen Sahlmanson — you should seriously read this article!!) and called him anyway because I still can’t control my impulses…

…I care so much about him…

…I can’t believe he’s treating me like this…

…My love isn’t conditional, but it sure as hell isn’t UNconditional! WTF!?!? …

…How many more times do I let him do this to me without telling him how it makes me feel?

This morning his phone is turned off. He never turns off his phone. If he turns it off then people can’t call him for his mechanic business.

It’s tearing me up inside but I’m trying so hard not to let it. I’m trying not to take it personally — even though I am pretty sure it is. I don’t even know what I did wrong! Is he upset because I got upset with him? I know that he’s feeling helpless and hopeless right now and that his pride is probably wounded, but does he have to take it out on me? What purpose does that serve? Usually we’re there for each other when there are problems. Did his car get repossessed and he’s too chicken-shit to tell me? How do I know if he’s okay? If he doesn’t care enough to let me know, then why should I?

But, this one thing keeps repeating over and over in my head, I can’t make it stop:

I can’t believe that he thinks it’s okay to treat his best friend like this!

Tonight I am still going “up the hill” to the casino with the cute-bartender guy, but I think I will have wine instead of tequila shots. I packed clothes for tomorrow because, whether or not Loverman responds(ed), I still intend(ed) to go up there and have fun and possibly have some more serious impulse control issues (I know, I know, that will not make me feel any better. Or, will it?) 😉 (j/k — I think)

bloodrose separator

I was going to write a post today about how I got all of my blood test results back yesterday afternoon and how proud I am of the results. Now I can’t wait to talk to the doctor on Friday because I think I will get a clean bill of health. Yay!

I am just going to try and focus on that good news all day (and the fun I will be having tonight all by myself!) because I am so proud of what I have done for me!! Huggs to me for “staying the course” and getting so healthy!!!

And these words may or may not help me, but I need to keep repeating them like a mantra (sometimes they bring me peace, sometimes they make me cry):

Everything that comes must also go. Like a breath, friends cannot be held forever.


7 responses to “The Silent Treatment

  1. Congrats on the clean bill of health, but I’m so sorry for all you’re going through…

  2. […] I am still very hurt, though, and not about to call him and talk to him because the only thing I can think to say right now is: “I can’t believe you think that it’s okay to treat your best friend like that.” […]

  3. […] would say that I don’t think I deserve such a wonderful man, but he has issues of his own. So I think I will continue down this road with him and I will endeavor to handle my emotional […]

  4. […] The Silent Treatment #1, #2 & #3 […]

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