I had a lot to say this weekend, but my internet was out at home so I couldn’t say it and now that I am here and writing them down, words are failing me.
Let me start by saying this (because I can’t remember if I’ve said it before):
I believe that the relationship I have with Loverman is driven by intimacy. Whenever we spend “too much” time apart from each other (and by “apart” I mean “not being intimate”) our conversations and interactions begin to get strained and the longer we are “apart” the more awkward it gets.
I think that’s the point we were at last week and the previous weekend. Maybe I am making excuses to myself to forgive him… I don’t know… But, when we love someone, we still love them through the bad times, right? It’s what helps us grow, right?
Thursday night I met up with Loverman to try and resolve whatever was going on. It started off badly, to say the least.
Here is part of the text conversation we had before I got to him.
My response: I am at 84th and Washington (I had no idea what to say in response and my hopes for a decent and mature conversation began to sink)
Loverman: Ooo… You won’t be able to see him then. Sorry!
My response: I am not a hooker/bitch. (but what I wanted to say was “Don’t be mean” — I almost did…)
I could actually feel my heart break when I read that text (it still makes me cry as I type this out). I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be so hurtful to me! My hands were shaking and I felt like an anvil had just been placed on my chest.
I still had 20 minutes before I got to him so I used the time while I was waiting in traffic to think about the best way to approach his new hurtful words (as well as being ignored for almost a week and stood up last Tuesday night).
He has so much shit going on in his life right now and most of it is total crap — I am not giving him an excuse, it’s just the truth. All the crap that he’s dealing with right now is from his own bad choices, though.
We all make bad choices, some days are just “bad choice days” when you look at the big picture, so I really don’t hold them against him — but he holds them against himself and I think that was part of the problem. He doesn’t want to “be a burden”. I understand and respect that; when my ankle was broken and he was driving me around, I felt the same way.
When I finally arrived at our “rendezvous” location I decided to ask Loverman to read those last two texts to me out loud while looking me in the eye. He did and then said, “What?! He’s a boy and he’s your friend. What’s wrong with what I said?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure you meant it to hurt me when you said it. But, even if you didn’t, it really did hurt me. It felt like you smashed a sledgehammer into my chest. I thought we already talked about this jealousy thing and we were over it.”
Loverman: “I don’t say it that much.”
I just looked at him.
Loverman: “I guess I kinda do, huh?”
From here, things seemed to swing between better and worse. We addressed the jealousy issue again — I am over mine, but I think that he is starting to get to the emotional-closeness point where he feels exposed and vulnerable and he doesn’t want to lose me, so he’s trying to scare me away. Regardless, it is not my place to psycho-analyze the situation, just to be his BFF.
He was very guarded with me the entire time. He sat in his chair, slouching, but his arms were crossed in a very defensive manner and he wouldn’t eat the food that I got him (stupid). Eventually I said, “You better eat those fries before they’re totally disgusting. They were hot when I got them.”
“You eat them,” was his response.
“Okay, I will eat some of the fries, but you have to eat, too. I care too much about you and I know you haven’t eaten much for at least 3 days. Please just eat the damn food.”
He ate some of the fries with me (but I ate most of them) and then he had his McChicken (thank goodness!). There were two burgers, too, but he put them in his bag to eat later when he was at work and after.
At the end, when he had to go to work, I only felt marginally better. I could re-hash the entire talk for you, but why? It’s over and done and I have forgiven him for being a douche-bag — it happens to the best of us sometimes.
At least now I know that he knows how much it hurt me to be ignored and blown off (and stood up — he even owned up to that one and apologized) and I know better to back off and what to say when he’s starting to act/feel alone and overwhelmed.
Once he got to work, he texted me that he was safe like I had asked him to and the weekend went by smoothly with no more drama.
It didn’t take long after Thursday night for us to get our closeness back. This Tuesday we had our regular date night and had a great time (mostly — I will write about the “bad” thing in a different post) and things seem to be totally back to the way they were before. Probably even better actually…
- Saturday’s Disagreement
- The Silent Treatment
- Love Sick Stomach Ache
- Make Them Stare (and Other Thoughts)