If I had a dollar for every time I have said “I wish you were mine” to Loverman, we would be thousand-aires.
I think about jealousy and my affair a lot. Because I care so much about Loverman and I only get to spend a limited amount of time with him, there are times when I am extremely jealous (rather resentful, really) of the people who DO get to be with him regularly.
So, here’s the deal: maybe sometimes jealousy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yes, there are types of jealousy that are bad (the green monster kind), especially when we act on that jealousy, but I think that sometimes my jealousy can be a catalyst that helps me see myself more clearly… It also helps me to realize how strong my feelings really are towards Loverman. Sometimes my jealousy can even ground me a little because I can see that I am being silly and irrational.
Maybe this is one of those times:
This morning Loverman sent out a message on Facebook. It was a cute and simple message and he only sent it to 5 people, but ONE of them is this girl who skates with us (that I totally think wants to steal him from me — and I don’t usually feel that way) and flirts with him in a way that I feel is inappropriate, especially when she does it right in front of his “girlfriend” (lover, other woman, I don’t care what you call me). I have frequently thought about asking him to un-friend her, but just as many times, I realized it would be selfish. He and I have talked about her in the past — it was right after I broke my ankle last year and she was flirting with him something fierce RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, she even bought him a pair of earrings (but that’s beyond the point) — and he told me that I was being silly, that she was just a friend. I know that I was (and that I am) being silly, but I think that when my spidey-senses start to tingle, I need to listen to them.
I know Loverman won’t mess around with her. I know he’s “too old” and that his life is complicated enough without adding a rebellious 20-year-old preacher’s daughter to the mix! Also, she’s a very loudly self-proclaimed virgin until marriage, at least she was the last time she was screaming it to me at the skating rink over loud music. I’m just saying: “Loverman isn’t going to dump his wife, and then me, just so he can chastely hang out with her pristine ass while she dick-teases him all night long.” I am NOT saying that Loverman is all about sex — he isn’t — I just wonder what her agenda really is. Is it just flirting? Hmmm….
I can’t ask him to un-friend her, he probably appreciates the attention of this lovely young woman. Who am I to deprive him of that? *I* am self-indulgent in that respect (I love to flirt), how can I deny him that same innocent pleasure without being a total hypocritical bitch-face? Nothing is going to happen, and (here’s where the “good” jealousy kicks in) the sex is just going to be that much better when we’re finally together again: #1 – we’re both super horny because all we’ve been thinking about it for so long, and #2 – HE PICKED ME (need I say more?!?)!!
In this case, I’m not even sure that what I am feeling is jealousy. I am jealous of his wife (though not so much any more), I am jealous of his long-time friends (because he stays over at their house and they get to see him more often), I am jealous of his bowling league (because I suck at bowling and can’t join them) but I don’t think I am jealous of this girl. Maybe incensed is a better word for how I feel, or peeved, or maybe even disrespected. I don’t know, maybe you can help me think of one…
- Broken: Day 33 (I’m Still Sexy)
- Broken: Day 106 (Facebook Makes Me Sad)
- Missing Him…
- My Green Monster