You know, Loverman and I can talk to each other about almost anything. But, lately I find myself reverting back to my old pre-Colorado self — the me that is more reserved and afraid of what others are thinking; the me that doesn’t want to or know how to say what’s on her mind. On good days it’s just a slight uphill battle, but recently (like the past 6 months) I really seem to be sliding back to the old “ways”.
Even though we have a “date night” practically every week, I see that as our “sex night”, too. Loverman not so much… He has told me a few times in the past, that with us it’s not about sex and he likes that; he can just be with me or we can just be together and that’s all right. I don’t disagree, I just like having sex with him (A LOT!!!). And that’s what I told him last night.
I don’t want to be shallow, but the nights I spend with him are special nights because we don’t get to be together that often. Re-connecting with him on an intimate and sexual level does exactly that — reconnect us. It’s like when the seam on your pants starts coming loose and, the looser it gets, the easier it is to unravel the entire cuff. Does that make sense? When we’re intimate, it’s like mending the frayed edges… That’s important to me
Anyways… I didn’t tell Loverman about my security-/police-man fantasy. I totally intended to, but there didn’t seem to be a good time as I was “freaking out” and being totally unsexy. Our intimacy level has changed and I am a little worried that we’re getting to that comfortable place of complacence and apathy. That’s exactly what I am trying to avoid with Loverman and that’s why I was upset a little last night.
When our affair first started, neither of us was getting any attention from our spouses and we both needed someone to fill in that emptiness. It was like: he would get into the shower with his wife and she would say, “What are you doing in here? This is my shower.” With my husband, intimacy was always kind of an issue: there wasn’t any unless I initiated it. One day I stopped asking because it didn’t fulfill my need for intimacy and the sex wasn’t good enough for me to actually want to work that hard for it any more. Mr. Doom-n-Gloom hasn’t mentioned it once. It didn’t even phase him when I started permanently sleeping on the family room couch and eventually moved my dresser and all my things in there.
I think it was inevitable that Loverman and I would get more involved with each other than just sex (seriously, we have too many obscure things in common; like roller skating and going to the junk yard. Why wouldn’t our relationship evolve?!?!), but it never occurred to me that our level of comfort with each other would ever change our level of intimacy with each other. That’s the issue I was struggling with last night when I was laying next to him in bed, both of us naked. I was stroking his lovely and wonderful Coconut, trying to get some action going, and there was no sexual response from him. There was seriously nothing. So I asked him if I was doing something wrong.
“Mamacita. You know how we talked before about how, with us, it’s not always about sex and that I am comfortable just laying next to you in bed and falling asleep?”
“Yes, baby, and if we got to spend more time together I would totally feel the same way. But, I really like having sex with you and I mostly never get to do it. It makes me feel better and re-connected. You help me re-charge my battery. And you feel sooooo good! Tonight I’ve tried several times (with kissing and the things I was doing to him in the shower…) and the stuff that usually works isn’t doing anything for you. Yesterday you told me that Coconut was up thinking about me all night. What happened? Are you getting sick of me?”
“No, Mama. I am just getting old.”
I called bullshit on him for the “old” comment, and we continued talking for a little while, with me getting progressively more upset (but not a complete freakazoid!) until he told me, “You know, this isn’t helping to get me in the mood. If you know what I’m saying.”
He wasn’t mean or condescending, just matter-of-fact and 100% right! It took a little while for me to stop the waterworks, but I did and the rest of the night went well. Eventually we even made love and, of course, it was beautiful. Maybe it was pity sex, or maybe it was because I talked to him about my feelings. It didn’t feel like pity sex…
Tonight would normally be one of our skate nights (I am SO lucky I get to spend as much time with him as I do. I know there are many others out there who spend all too much time pining away for their lovers.), but it was cancelled because there weren’t enough people coming to open the rink. So, I am going to take him out for a decent dinner (not Elway’s or anything that fancy, though) where we can have a couple Margaritas and a nice burger or sandwich. I’ll try again and, hopefully, I will be able to find the right time (aka: muster up enough courage) to actually tell Loverman what I meant to tell him last night!