Found

Found

i found you by ilona on DeviantArt
i found you
by ilona on DeviantArt

I got this message this morning:

I got my phone back

That was it. I don’t know what I expected, but I definitely hoped it would be more than that! It took me a few minutes to sort out how I should answer because the waves of relief were so strong I could barely take a breath. Immediately after, I was filled with a peaceful calmness

But!

Once he sense of relief started to wane, as it tends to, it was like my brain decided that it was okay to feel the other emotions, too! The ugly ones! The dam busted open and now I am faced with:

anger (I was worried about you and this is all you have for me?)

betrayal (You told me that you don’t like going gambling without me!)

humiliation (How did I let myself get so worked up about this?)

and jealousy (Did you find someone else who’s more fun to go with?)

but the biggest one is disappointment (all of those other things put together.).

At least that’s what I think it feels like (and right after I wrote that fucking poem for him Saturday!!).

So, before I over-thought it and got angry said the wrong thing, I decided my best response would just be, “Okay” — because if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Right?

His response to that was simply:

I’ll talk to you later.

I was completely underwhelmed by the amount of information that he decided to give me! That’s seriously all I get? I’m pretty sure he would expect a better explanation from ME if I had been MIA all weekend!

I didn’t even get an: “I’m safe.” or a “Thanks for trying to get my phone back for me.” or an “I’ll bet you were super worried about me.” or a “Sorry to keep you waiting for so long.” I know I am being selfish right now, but I just spent all of yesterday worrying about him! And, I still don’t know if he’s okay or where the fuck he is!

My stupid Green Monster has double-teamed with Self-Doubt and they keep putting horrible thoughts in my head!!

Again, I couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Ok.” (Truthfully, I could think of A LOT more things to say, but none of them were nice. They were all “fightin’ words”! And I don’t want to fight, mostly I am grateful he isn’t dead!)

I want to write more here, but I don’t know what to say. At this moment I am filled with so many emotions tumbling around inside of me; every one of them trying to scream louder than the rest of them. It’s so loud and confusing I don’t know what the true core feelings actually are… Or if it’s just my PMS enhancing them…. Or if maybe this is karma’s helpful reminder not to get too close…

What should I be feeling right now?

How Do I Breathe
by Mario

It feels so different being here
I was so used to being next to you
Life for me is not the same
There’s no one to turn to
I don’t know why I let it go too far
Starting over – it’s so hard
Seems like everywhere I try to go
I keep thinking of you

I just had a wake up call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

Girl I’m losin’ my mind
Yes I made a mistake
I thought that you would be mine
Guess the joke was on me
I miss you so bad, I can’t sleep
I wish I knew where you could be
Another dude is replacing me
God this can’t be happening

I just had a wake up call (call)
Wishing that I never let you fall (fall)
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared (cared)
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

(And I wonder…)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (I’m saying)
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

I can’t get over you, no
Baby I don’t wanna let go, no
Girl you need to come home
Girl come back to me
Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When you’re not with me

(Tell me)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go (where do I, where do I go)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?

How do I breathe?

Without you here by my side?
How will I see (how will I see)
When your love brought me to the light (baby, baby)?
Where do I go (where do)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (you’re not with me)
How do I breathe (How do I breathe)?
How do I breathe?

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Found

  1. I’m glad he’s safe. You have every right to feel every emotion! Don’t worry about why you’re feeling them, don’t try to justify them away. You are in an intimate, caring relationship with another person who you want with you. But, because of the strange relationship, you can’t have that security – yet. So for now, you just need to vent and accept you’re perfect where you are.
    Also, I LOVE this song. What beautiful lyrics.

    1. THANK YOU! You have no idea how much reading your words really helps me!! I appreciate the validation ❤ We had a short but sweet text conversation this morning that really helped! I like that I have this forum for venting. It's like therapy 🙂
      That song it the first one on my YouTube playlist – thanks!

Talk to me :-)

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s