So, I guess we’re still on our “break” (not that I am counting, but it has been 20 days).
I am completely losing my mind! I can’t focus on a goddamn thing!
I need to get out of my marriage… *sigh* Loverman is almost out of his and I think he is wanting me to take a bigger step. I don’t know. The things he said to me Sunday were so cryptic. I have so much thinking to do…
He is trying to get all of his stuff moved out of Diva’s house before the bank finally forecloses on it. He has no idea when that’s going to happen, but she hasn’t paid the mortgage for almost a year now. After that he has nowhere to go. Literally nowhere.
I am scared for him and I love him (I think) so I want to help and protect him (I think).
Sunday we got together to test drive my car. He’s been working on my Plymouth Breeze for
ever the last five years. It’s totally done now. I feel like I should be happier and more excited. I feel like I didn’t appreciate him enough.
On Father’s Day, after he hadn’t slept for over 24 hours (his choice, I get it, but still), I decided to push his buttons.
I fucked up a perfectly good day because I wanted to have a fucking discussion about trust (trust seems to be the theme-of-the-month).
He was telling me that he didn’t want to give me the switch for the sunroof in my truck because he thought the glass was slightly off track and wanted to be sure it was secure before I opened it on the highway and it flew off. We have talked about this already a couple of times.
I understood and told him that I just wanted the switch so I could open it a crack on my way home waiting in traffic (the AC in my truck fucks up the gas mileage something fierce so I don’t run it, but it gets really hot in there) and I don’t drive on the highway to get to and from work.
He said something about his friends Sean and Joseph and how he lets THEM have/do stuff and they don’t listen to him and then call him a week later to tell him those things are now broken.
I tried to tell him that I don’t like it when he doesn’t trust me based on something SOMEONE ELSE did (my parents were like that – it’s totally a sore spot for me). Most times I try to do what he asks me to do. Really hard. Most times he is right, and I like how he’s proud of me when I do what he says.
You would think that all the times I do (or don’t do) something that he asked me to (or not to) do, I should get credibility points or something. (I totally understand that my reasoning is flawed here because Loverman would be devastated if he found out I was fooling around on him – regardless of what he has told me in the past.)
He kept interjecting with “But” and giving me a reason why he didn’t trust me based upon a different someone else’s actions.
I got really upset, then he got really upset.
He left to get the sunroof switch.
He brought it back to me.
I could tell you the rest, but it’s long and boring. I was being a douche and so was he. We talked about uneven teeter-totters, trust and living together, broken marriages and futility.
None of it good, sadly. Or maybe it was, in the bigger picture.
This week he has been avoiding me, but I get it. He needs space and right now he is totally overwhelmed with life kicking him in the ass. The last thing he needs is a selfish girlfriend telling him she needs more validation.
I miss him, but every single year in June this shit happens with us. So, this year I am going to try and let it blow over and appreciate my alone time to sit back and reflect.