Oh my goodness! You should read the private rant post I published Tuesday afternoon!
Let me just say that I am glad it’s private.
Mr. X and I had plans for that night and they didn’t happen.
And I didn’t find out it wasn’t happening until almost 1PM.
It was just a misunderstanding.
As you know, I’m good at that when I spend too much time thinking.
Here’s a snippet:
Last Friday, at breakfast, Mr. X told me he thought *I* was going to break up with *him*
Which made *me* think *he* was going to break up with me
Now I am worried that he’s going to break up with me today at Wendy’s while we’re having dinner (I wish he never would have said anything. Now I worry about it and I didn’t before. Am I going to worry about it every time now? Rhetorical question, but probably!)
Last Friday I thought he was excited to spend the night together with me
His “girls” would be gone for the week and I would have all the time I would possibly want with him
After going back and forth about which night, “Yes, Tuesday night,” is what he decided and he would probably rent the room through Thursday night
I told him it was silly to think that he would be able to get a room on New Year’s Eve.
He said he was going to try
It *seemed* like he really wanted to spend that time with me (at that moment on Friday morning)
And this afternoon he cancelled our overnight plans for this night (Tuesday)
Which probably also means “the other nights”, too
He did so after not saying anything about it since last Friday at breakfast
So… I was left thinking for the past 4 days that it was going to happen and I totally got my hopes up for an entire night alone with him, plus possibly more. I was looking forward to getting to know him better and finding out about spending more time together. Maybe go over my book…
Instead he wants to meet me for dinner at a Wendy’s that’s on my way home
This is when I started ranting about the inadequacies of being a “6.5” and I am trying not to dwell on that.
As luck would have it, Mr. X and I did meet at Wendy’s for ‘dinner’ Tuesday night and he did not break up with me.
He sat me down at a table and talked to me.
In fact, after I told him pretty much what I told you here just now, plus a little more, he apologized sincerely for freaking me out! *le gasp*
I didn’t even have to ask him!
It turns out that it hurt his feelings when I didn’t greet him with the customary big hug and kisses. I was intense and confused – he even told me I looked confused… And, when he found out I thought he was going to ‘break up’ with me it shocked him and hurt his feelings even more.
I told him I am scared I won’t be able to be his distraction. That I won’t be able to satisfy him, make him happy, proud, etc…
He reassured me that we’re learning each other. We will get to that…
I will do just fine…
We will be just fine…
I told him about all the different “me’s” inside of me and how I just want him to tell me which one he wants.
He told me that we wants to uncover all the different “me’s” together and find the ones I like and the ones I don’t. He would help me learn how to deal with all of them. Because all of them are a part of me. It turns out he’s willing to take the “full package deal” and sort it out from there.
(That should be distracting enough, eh?)
He wanted me to talk to him about Loserman and told me that I need to take time and grieve so soon after ending a 6-year relationship.
I explained that I don’t know how to grieve. I have not had to seriously deal with the loss of someone I cared about that much… Ever in my life. All the other times I have had loss, it was someone who wasn’t very close to me or something I didn’t really need so much. It’s been easy for me to just pack the feelings up and put them away ‘on a shelf’. This time, with Loserman, it’s different because there are so many fucking memories. And they absolutely flood me sometimes.
I told Mr. X that I want to make new memories because I think that might make it easier to put my “Loserman memories” on a shelf.
I seriously don’t know if that will work. It probably won’t. But Mr. X told me that he would help me try and figure it out. He told me that is why he is taking things so slowly with me.
Then he asked, intently
Now can I have my kiss?
OMG! Of course you can, Mr. X! I am so sorry.
Immediately I stood up from my seat across the table from him and asked if he wanted to stand up for his kiss or if he wanted me to come over and sit on his lap.
He only thought about it for a second and his answer was, “On my lap.”
I happily acquiesced.
It felt so good sitting there. I wasn’t surprised I liked it. On his lap. In his arms. Kissing him. Him kissing me. Both of us relaxing into each other after the tension.
Screw the fact that I was sitting on his lap at a freaking Wendy’s!
It was like we were the only two people there anyway. (Aside from the employees, I think we actually were for a little while!)
We didn’t get to spend much time tangled together like that and, as a result, I want to do it again…
…especially after he unearths yet another layer of me.
I am still relishing those last few moments of bliss in his arms.