I spent Monday afternoon this week with Loserman.
My truck, Bear, is badly broken. We thought we had fixed the problem 10 days ago, but when I was out running errands with Thing #2 the very next day he broke again. As I was pulling into the parking lot at our apartment complex, he started leaking anti-freeze out of the back of the engine. A totally new problem.
Loserman thought that maybe it was the heater core, so he asked me a bunch of questions and told me that he would be out to check on him that afternoon. I was sick and watching the playoffs game with Thing #1 that Sunday, so Loserman let me stay inside instead of helping him. There wasn’t much I could do anyway.
He wasn’t able to diagnose anything at that time because the antifreeze leak was so bad. It was all over the bottom of the truck and he told me he would be back later.
Unbeknownst to me until this Monday, Loserman stopped by and did a couple minor things to Bear last week and figured out where the leak was coming from – not the heater core. It turns out that a seal had cracked behind the engine and Loserman would have to replace a gasket in the cooling line.
This Monday was a gorgeous day, so Loserman came over to start working his way back to that rear seal. As he was rolling Bear out for a test drive, the problem we originally “fixed” came back. Bear died in the middle of the parking lot and Loserman couldn’t get him started again.
As it happens, I was still on a date with Scorpio (not this one) as all this was happening. So, when I got home around 1PM, I saw the hood propped open and Loserman was working on Bear.
It turns out to be worse than Loserman originally thought and we’re going to have to rebuild the engine sooner than planned – like right now instead of this summer. Forcing me right up in the face of Loserman from now until the truck is done.
So, I spent Monday afternoon this week with Loserman. I told him that I missed him, that I missed “us” and our connection. He returned the sentiment with “I miss you guys, too.” (When I asked him who that meant, he didn’t answer.) After that we just talked about work or if his foot is feeling better, or mine… You know, surface stuff.
By the end of the afternoon, he had the plenum, valve cover and heads off and was able to reach the rear seal that needs to be replaced. That was step one of “the plan” and we were both glad that he was able to get so much accomplished in one day. Now he has to replace the seal and then find all the parts (lifters, rocker arms, cam, etc…) to replace the old ones and hope that my lovely apartment complex doesn’t tow Bear in the meantime.
I didn’t feel as uncomfortable or angry with him this time while we were together but it also didn’t feel close like we used to be. I hate so much that he drove this wedge between us!
I want so badly just to talk to him and see if he’s ready to tell me what I did wrong… Or what the fuck was wrong with him…
On the other hand, I don’t want to upset him in the middle of tearing out my engine…
I miss my friend, my lover, my skate partner, my confidante, my motivation, my sunshine…
I seriously don’t know any more. I am so confused.
Just leave it be. I know.