Fuck that Fucking Fucker #2!

Fuck that Fucking Fucker #2!

I had a much better story to auto-post this morning. One that had to be rescheduled for later today because I am having a “crisis”, about which I feel I need to write immediately (while I attempt to drink an entire bottle of wine!).

My thoughts are completely scattered right now. My brain is reeling!

At first, I started writing an email to Mr. X because he has been my surrogate “Loverman” since right after Loverman became Loserman.

But he’s been laying low — and it’s both his and his wife’s birthday this week — and I need to get this off my chest to people who could potentially be reading and reacting to my words as soon as I post this.

So, I wrote to a kind gentleman who recently reached out to me through my blog:

Loserman showed up unexpectedly at skating last night (10PM Saturday night).

We didn’t talk. He didn’t approach me. I never gave him a chance. He was just there, talking to people (mutual friends). Thing #1 was with me and we skated for about 40 minutes, which is when he started skating. A friend talked to us for a while (I think he was playing ‘guard’) and then Thing #1 and I decided that we were both stressing too much so we left.

I’m destroyed. Utterly fucking destroyed. I’m so angry at myself for letting him have this kind of power over me. I tried to stay, but I can’t explain how it made me feel.

I had to leave…

I am so thankful Thing #1 came with me!

I saw the mother-fucker come in the door and I wished so hard that I was wrong. That it wasn’t him. That it was just my brain playing tricks on me.

It wasn’t. He was really there.

I’m utterly fucking destroyed.

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12 thoughts on “Fuck that Fucking Fucker #2!

  1. What set you off so badly? Skating was something he enjoyed, too, right? Did you have some sort of agreement that in the split you got to “keep” the skating rink exclusively to yourself? Probably not, because he seems like too much of a selfish person to do something like that.

    What were the emotions playing out inside of you? Anger was obviously one of them, but anger is a surface emotion that covers the feelings deeper inside that you’re not ready to express (or that don’t feel as “safe” to express in the moment). You definitely have a lot of feelings still tied up over that relationship, and some of them conflict. I think that’s normal (although I’ve never wanted to get back together with an ex once it was over, so I can’t relate 100%).

    1. Yes, he was a skater, too. And, no, we didn’t have an agreement… *sigh* I knew that eventually I would have to deal with this scenario. I was just getting comfortable with it not happening, if that makes sense…

      After I thought about it hard, I guess the feelings I was/am having are grief and betrayal. Does hate count?

      I wanted to say “sadness” and “hurt”, but that would just be more surface stuff. “Destroyed” seems to be the perfect way to describe it, but mostly I feel betrayed by him. He threw my vulnerability back in my face, he took my trust for granted and he never extended practically any trust to me. Then, after he finished crushing my spirit, he wanted me to act like he hadn’t done anything wrong!

      When I saw him last night, I think it brought everything to a head. Depression and I have been struggling together for the past couple of weeks, and I think this was fate/god/life telling me something/kicking me in the ass. I need to figure out what I am supposed to learn from this and actually learn something this time!

      For as badly as he hurt me, my heart wants him back but my mind doesn’t. That’s so much internal struggle. As you know, there were some beautiful moments shared with Loserman. My heart isn’t ready to put that to rest no matter how ready *I* want it to be.

      If I could put these feelings up on a shelf in the closet, or drop them off at the second-hand store, believe me, I would.

    2. Eureka! I think I get why last night upset me so much…
      *He* likes to have our serious discussions in a public place. You know, witnesses and all that (an ex had him locked up over a holiday weekend over 12 years ago because she claimed he beat her up during a fight. He is positive I will do the same if given the chance. He’s not violent, he would never do that and I would never do that. But, trust issues. He can’t forgive, etc…). Last night *I* was afraid of having that type of confrontation – in my happy place in front of my skate family. I didn’t want to have to talk to him at all because it would have been painful, even if it hadn’t been a scene.

      Thanks!

  2. Ugh! I hate when stuff like this happens. Just when you think you are starting to move over the hump you get pushed back a little. I’m glad you had Thing #1 with you too. It has to be hard. I think he never gave you the proper closure you feel that your relationship deserved. Do you think you can find a way to find that without him. Once you put this to rest, it won’t bother you to see him or be around him.

    1. When he gets done with my truck…
      We are having that power struggle right now. After that, I won’t have so much anxiety towards him. Right now is a bad time because he’s being so uncooperative with something I NEED him to do.

Talk to me :-)

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