Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes


on April 15, 2015

Last week I started the process of filing for a divorce.

I told Doom-n-Gloom on Sunday morning.

Broken Marriage Egg

I woke up at 6:30 and my plan was to make my breakfast and get some cleaning done in the kitchen before he woke up. Then, I would give *him* some time to wake up and eat and have his coffee. Once I knew he was fully awake, I was going to sit down and talk to him.

It didn’t work out that way at all — even though I was very quiet while I was working, he woke up on his own. After using the bathroom, Doom-n-Gloom walked into the kitchen and stood behind me quietly (he does that a lot with me and Thing #1 — creepily standing a couple feet behind us and not saying a word until we do, then he grunts and walks away). I rinsed off a plate in the sink and said, “Good morning” and (as I thought) he responded with a grunt.

Without turning around to look at him, I said, “After you’ve had a chance to wake up and have your coffee and eat and stuff, I need to talk to you about something important.”

“Why don’t you just tell me now?” was his response.

I took a deep breath and told him that he was probably going to want to sit down.

He sat, and I pulled up a stool opposite him and began to break my news.

I told him simply and quickly. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. At least that’s the way it was for me – it was probably a lot more torturous for him…

I explained that, until Thing #2 graduates from High School next spring (2016), I don’t expect things to change much. For now I’m not asking him to move out and I’m not asking him to give me more money for rent. I just don’t want to be married on paper any more…

It didn’t seem to come as too much of a shock to him. I can’t even really tell if he was hurt. He’s been avoiding me and grunting at me instead of talking, but that’s exactly the same as things were before.

… Sometimes I wonder if he just expected me to stay married to him forever with absolutely nothing in it for me …

We haven’t slept in the same room for over 5 years. He gets the small bedroom and I get the loft. The girls share the master bedroom and I keep my clothes in their closet with theirs.

He pays me $200/month to cover his portion of rent, cable, internet, phone and electric. The amount, in total, that I pay for those things is $1,725 – he contributes only 11 fucking percent of the household expenses (and is even less help around the apartment)! I am not including groceries because he pays for half and I pay for half…

I have asked him to try and get a better (another) job to help make ends meet: rent has been going up and up and up, the girls have had a lot of expenses lately… He tells me that he’s trying, but nothing has panned out in the last 5 years…? From the outside it doesn’t seem that he’s “trying”.

Doom-n-Gloom works 3rd shift as a package handler for a major shipping company (his shifts are 1AM to 5:30AM, Monday through Friday – 20-25 hours a fucking week!). Because he hasn’t been licensed to drive for over 8 years, I will not let him drive Breezy or Bear; and the busses don’t run to that part of town after 10PM. 90% of the time he gets a ride from co-workers, but there have been a few nights where he’s had to take the bus, and even less nights where he has asked me to drive him.

He doesn’t like to ask me because, when I have to drive him, I make a very big deal about it. And not in a good way…

  1. because he wakes me up at 12:30 in the morning and I am in a deep, dark sleep. He is not my favorite person and I immediately know what he needs when I see him looming over me. My heart fills with dread because…
  2. once I leave my ever-so-perfect parking spot, it will not be there waiting for me upon my return. I have to park a block away at the main office because there are not enough spots for all the cars. After driving his butt to work – 30 minutes, and then combing our parking lot for a spot for another 15 minutes…
  3. I can’t fall asleep again and I have to be up to start getting things ready for work in 4 hours.
  4. Besides the meaningless words “Thank you”, there is absolutely nothing in it for me. No gratitude. No nothing. No money for gas or time spent, no flowers or breakfast or chocolate or a clean bathroom… Nothing at all that shows any sort of appreciation or gratitude for the fact that I actually did quite a huge favor for him (at least Loserman did those little things…)

Also, I have asked him several times stop being so adversarial with Thing #1 and, every time I talk to him about it, he blames her and refuses to change because she ‘hurt his feelings’ and didn’t apologize. (Waaah! I would never talk to Thing #2 ever again if we were worrying about ‘hurt feelings’. We’re their fucking parents, for goodness sakes, they are going to hurt us! Regularly. It’s our job, as parents, to guide them through it.)

I don’t like being taken for granted. Does he just assume that, because I am his wife, I will do whatever he needs whenever he needs it?!?! Whether he ever does anything decent for me or not?!?! And, when he treats our daughter like shit, I’m just supposed to let it roll off my shoulders because it’s her fault?!?! After I’ve asked him again and again and again to fucking try to have a relationship with her before it’s too late (it’s too late now…)?!?!

I kept all of that out of the forefront of my thoughts while I was talking to him; hoping like crazy that he wasn’t going to try and start something. I kept my voice calm and quiet and respectful and he listened.

After I got done saying my peace, he simply said, “Make sure that you’ve said everything you have to say right now because I really want to yell. You’ve been respectful and decent while you told me and I feel I should treat you the same way.”

“That’s everything…”

“Okay then.” He turned around, walked into his bedroom and slammed his door.

Two times.

I finished up cleaning the rest of the kitchen and making my breakfast, then went upstairs to wait for signs that Things #1 and #2 were waking up.

At the recommendation of a friend, I had already told Thing #1, so she would be a little ready for what was coming. I was afraid of how Thing #2 would react at my “abandoning” her father.

Again, it was nothing like I expected. I told her the same things that I had said to Doom-n-Gloom and she was very understanding. Not resentful like I had anticipated.

All in all, I will have to say that the entire thing went fairly smoothly.

But, I’m not holding my breath…

16 responses to “Finally

  1. Well, wow. Baby steps and big steps. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way!

  2. Wow. The hard part is out of the way! You would be better off financially without him in the house. Considering.

  3. Good for you.

    And as for your girls, I think this will teach them an important lesson (in the long run): woman can and should stand up for themselves, and leave unhealthy relationships. Even if it is hard and messy. That it takes courage, and time.

    Go you!

  4. beautifulmess7 says:

    Good for you! Everything you listed is spot on, and I can tell you that children are not as clueless as you think they are. They see what you do and what he doesn’t do. They see the dynamic of your relationship. Hopefully they know that isn’t “normal” and isn’t what a loving marriage should look like. They want what’s best for you, and I would bet they have been hoping you would divorce for a long time. I know I hoped that when I was their age, and my parent’s situation wasn’t even half as bad as yours.

  5. The Woman Invisible says:

    Well done and congratulations. And no, it’s far from over. It will get worse before it gets better and living together is going to be tough now. Be prepared. Talk to the kids. Make sure you stay as sane as possible. You’re doing amazing.

    • Thank you, M. Everything is tough now, so I decided WTF, just do this too and get it all over with.

      I really appreciate your note! And you are doing so incredibly well, too!!!! ❤ XO!

  6. 2bshameless says:

    I really think this will be beneficial in the long run – it’s so depressing to live with someone who’s so negative and drags you down like an anchor around your ankle

    telling someone you want a divorce is the hardest step congrats!

  7. I’m proud of you for taking that step. For standing up and being strong and looking out for yourself. It must’ve been tough, I know, but you’re working through it. Good on you. Much love.

Talk to me :-)

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