Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Did I Do the Right Thing?

on April 30, 2015

(get ready, this is gonna be a long one *smh* but also possibly very entertaining…)

I started a profile on FetLife a couple of months ago, but I haven’t done anything with it until recently. It probably has something to do with the fact that my first contact came on the first day and he was a total jerk that wanted to Top me immediately and get me into the group thing (and not the “munch” kind of group). He wasn’t even remotely polite about it either.

My profile blatantly states that I am totally new at this D/s & BDSM thing.

I told him that I was more interested in exploring things before I get into a full-blown orgy (although I might not be opposed to one at some point… I don’t know…) and that was the end of the conversation.

Well, last week when I ventured out again, I ‘met’ a nice man from Maine. He’s been spending time getting to know me. In fact, my recent venture into kinky erotica was first written in email-form to him. Not once has he asked me to call him Sir. We are just having respectful (and sometimes erotic and kinky) chat.

We’ve exchanged vanilla pictures and he’s a fairly attractive guy…

The problem is: he looks almost exactly like Doom-n-Gloom, minus about 80 pounds.

I told him and there was sadness all-around… But we’re still talking and learning more about each other.

He is *not* the guy I am asking you about.

This one is.

Image result for down arrow

Sunday a gentleman inboxed me with a message titled “training”. It was a very brief message that I responded to with equal brevity. Basically I told him that, before I can accept his gracious offer, I would need to get to know him better. Perhaps over chat. He asked if I had a Yahoo Messenger. I said I did, he told me his handle. Blah, blah…

We agreed to meet for a Yahoo chat Monday morning.

He was awake and ready for me at 4AM central time (that would be 3AM mine). Needless to say, I was oblivious to his message until I got to work and had time to check my email – 5 hours later…

Here is our entire chat conversation for you (sorry for the mismatched formatting):




We said our good-byes.

As instructed, a few hours later, I sent him an email asking a TON of questions, both Vanilla and Kinky. Ranging from family and relationships to experience, blah, blah… I referenced this post right here: How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect

I also told him about my seizures and my teeth…. It was kind of a long email, but I hardly even know this guy and he’s already training me as if I had chosen to be his submissive/slave (btw – slave is something I am not in for).

His first email response:

Wow. How about a few at a time questions. I am fine with your problems. I am divorced and was born in 1960 of Sept. I do building material sales and have done it all my life.

So, I decided to address the kink questions I felt were most important to me:

Thank you, Sir
I didn’t expect you to answer them all right away, *or* while you are at work, Sir. I appreciate the response, but I completely understand you have obligations that are *not* me.

These are my most important questions, Sir:

  • How many subs and trainees you have taught/mentored?
  • Would any of them vouch for you?
  • Are you looking for a slave or a submissive?
  • What are your expectations of a partner?
  • What behavior by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
  • What behavior by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
  • What are your biggest issues/vulnerabilities in life?
  • Have you ever pushed a partner too far? How did you deal with that?

Hopefully you read the entirety of my last email and understand that I am a bit uneasy.

Thank you again and enjoy your day,

His response to that all was very simple:

Let’s see I have trained 3 subs each with one yr contracts. I told you I love a yes girl and I hate when a girl questions all I ask of her. No I do not believe I have ever gone to far and stop with me will have me stop

Mind you, he had not told me the “when a girl questions all I ask of her” part. Regardless, I didn’t like his tone with me. Not one bit. Nor did I appreciate his smug answer. I get that a Dom may be arrogant and self-confident, but he probably won’t be rude and pushy, too. I didn’t feel respected by this man one bit!

Because of my gut feelings on this, I responded with this:

I am sorry to have wasted your time, Sir. Under the advisement of a very trusted friend of mine, I am going to have to respectfully decline your offer for training/mentoring.

Maybe I will regret this in the future (because I am feeling it a bit now), but I have to trust my gut instinct. (You know, the one that has been making me feel uneasy about you this entire time?) I am entirely new at the D/s thing, but I have promised my inner-voice that I would no longer ignore her when she sends up a red flag. She might not know anything about this lifestyle, but she knows everything about *me*. But, just to be sure, I asked a close friend of mine for help. He lives the life 24/7 and he threw up a red flag as well.

Have a great week and good luck with everything, Sir.
I really appreciate the short time you spent with me.

Thank you

(“very trusted friend of mine” = the internet)

I expected him to either completely ignore me and never talk to me again… Or say something like he did:

You always do as you like yet when you run from one Dom to another to see how they see one, you will always miss out on this life.

For another Dom to comment on chat and tell another to run is shameful.

I should have kept my mouth shut and not said anything. I have learned that I do not need to have the last word. Sometimes not saying anything is worth more.

But, in this instance, I truly, madly, deeply, needed to reply:

Sir, no disrespect intended, it was presumptuous to think he told me to run. He simply advised me to listen to my inner voice. I need to always take care of myself before anyone else. Period. I would think it’s shameful for a Dom to immediately start changing a person before learning a single thing about them.

Thank you again!

P.S. I never mentioned my friend was a Dom.

In the end *he* was the one who ultimately needed to have the last word with a final reprimand for me. I’m not a bit surprised:

Shame on u

(Is it too much to think he should speak more formally to me? Be more respectful? I don’t know… Use ALL the letters in his words? Or perhaps take as much care in writing his notes to me as I did with his?)

27 responses to “Did I Do the Right Thing?

  1. lolarocks says:

    Can I be the first to say that man is a complete wanker? Always trust your inner voice smitten. We live & we learn everyday!
    Sending you hugs x

    • That’s exactly what *I* thought!!! I love your honesty. I seriously laughed out loud at your response! Thank you, Lola!!

      I even went along with the guy for that long because I wanted to make sure he really was a total “wanker”.

  2. This guy is a douche…I wouldn’t have given him time after the first few messages. Ugh.

  3. You absolutely did do the right thing, my dear! Do what feels right for you. Don’t let him pressure you.

  4. blondevampire says:

    Good job!!! He sounded like an ass

  5. Serenity says:

    Smitten, you absolutely, positively did the right thing. Ever Dominant I know is not looking to “dom” someone in the first conversation. Just be aware you will find A LOT of this the more you explore this type of relationship on these types of sites.

    • Thank you!! I really appreciate the warning!! And, you are right… I probably won’t let future conversations go on for so long once I get used to the dynamic of things… ❤ ❤

      • Serenity says:

        On these types of sites, remember that conditional respect and courtesy is a two way street, always. Anyone worth your time and consideration completely understands that trust is not instant and “training” needs to be customized for the needs of both parties. Calling himself a “Dominant” does not automatically mean you must respect him or obey him; he has to earn it, as would you in any relationship. We’re not talking about instant pudding – add milk and stir, voila! dessert – so go forward with an expectation of being treated as a woman considering her options, not some desperate submissive eager to serve the first man who thinks himself a dominant. What a schmuck.

  6. johnnyid says:

    Like most dating/sex-related sites there is an unfortunately high number of douchebags on Fet. Always trust your gut, there are many a-holes who claim to be “doms” to justify their behavior. Better luck next time. 🙂

  7. Cinn says:

    The only thing that I would say other than to echo the above comments…. take the ” I’m a newbie” stuff off your profile.
    That is like throwing blood in the water full of sharks…… It will attract more slime like him.

    You can decide privately who you do, or don’t, share that information with.

    Great job 🙂

  8. […] have ‘met’ a few men through FetLife (here’s a post about one of them), but I’ve only met two in […]

  9. […] It turns out that the guy who contacted me through FetLife last week was a total horsefly (just like the other FetLife wanna-be’s: Rock Star and the other creep)… […]

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