Aside

PSA: Skate Trainers

It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned roller skating here. I’m still doing it, but not nearly as often. It doesn’t bring me the same kind of joy that it used to.

However, I am still planning on my annual sk8venture to Kansas City in November, and this time I am bringing a whole damn group of people with me (sans Loserman, of course).

But these are not the reasons for my post.

There is this thing out there called a “skate trainer”. Thing #1 and I affectionately refer to it as a “death machine.”

Beware! It is the devil’s handiwork! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let your child use one of these! They are danger on wheels.

trainer

Renting one might seem like a good idea, but it’s not.

Trust me.

First – I understand that parents are worried about their child getting hurt. But please remember that you are at a fucking roller skating rink. Skate Trainer or not, lots and lots of people (both adults and children) are going to fall and get hurt. When someone falls while using said Skate Trainer, the Death Machine is released and then is flung across the skating floor through and towards other children (and adults) trying to skate and NOT DIE.

Can you imagine one (or more!) of these flying towards you (or your child) while you’re out there on a pair of roller skates?!

Second – older siblings or friends who DO know how to skate will get their hands on it while it is not being used by the non-skater. They will then take the trainer out onto the skate floor and throw it back and forth at/to each other – like a crazy crazy-making game of catch involving everyone’s precious babies. Even though there is staff at the rink to handle this problem, know that it still exists.

Third – in no way will this apparatus actually help anyone learn to skate – not even little babies. Not ever. Again: in no fucking way will this crazy-ass piece of shit help anyone learn how to skate! Ever! In fact, it makes it completely impossible for a person to actually learn their center of gravity and find their balance on skates.

Fourth – the entire thing is a complete scam. It’s just outrageously overpriced PVC on wheels – the skating rinks are making a KILLING off of the morons who pay to rent them.

Seriously!? What happened to the good old days of children risking life and limb on teeter totters, merry go rounds, metal slides, whatever the hell this is…

and learning how to roller skate?

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