Today, right before the ass-crack of dawn, I will finally be on my way to TC for the weekend!!!
My flight leaves at 5:45 and arrives in Houston at 9:05. I have all day Friday and all day Saturday! The sad part is, my return flight leaves at 1:55 PM Sunday, which means that I really should be to the airport by noon. Especially since I am not familiar with it (LOL! I am so poorly traveled!).
I can have some anxiety in crowds/situations when I am not familiar with the environment or I don’t have “someone comfortable” with me. It’s something that I am working on because I know it’s a huge weakness of mine, but thinking about it can get overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself that it is NEVER as bad as I think it’s going to be. And, the airport has literally thousands of people who can help.
When TC and I first scheduled this trip, I totally thought I would be able to make it 9 weeks between visits. Easy peasy. I mean, before that there were 43 years that I made it through without him [he actually told me that on the phone Tuesday night. LOL!]! What’s another 2 months, right?
Now, the closer we get to the day of arrival, the more I fucking miss him! It’s almost like a physical ache I can feel.
Never in my life did I ever imagine that someone would treat me the way that TC treats me, or feel the way about me that he does. I honestly didn’t think it was possible – not because I didn’t think I was worth it so much as I didn’t think anyone else ‘worked’ that way.
Always, I wanted a partner who was as present in our relationship as I was — someone who spends as much time thinking about me as I spend thinking about them.
And, I want a partner who is exactly that: a partner. I want a person to share life with, not another person I have to take care of (especially when I don’t get the benefit of being cared for in return)!
Doom-n-Gloom was my husband but never really my partner. When I give him tasks to accomplish/jobs to do (you know, contribute to the household, clean the bathroom/his mess in the kitchen, etc…), he continually doesn’t do them and then complains that my expectations of him are too high or that I am a nag. Eventually, I have to be the one to “get ‘er done”. Also, he hasn’t had a Driver’s License for 12 years and he refuses to take responsibility for himself and/or act like a functioning adult.
I felt good with Loserman, when we were physically together, but when we weren’t it was like I didn’t even exist to him. Once I was gone, I became an afterthought or an unwelcome chore – rarely replying to my texts, answering my calls and always keeping me guessing (and not in a good way). However, he did take very good care of me when my ankle was broken. Something, Doom-n-Gloom could not have done… But, here again, Loserman can’t take responsibility for himself, is unable to accept fault or even apologize and has been homeless for almost a year now – living in a friend’s kitchen and out of his truck.
TC isn’t like any of that. Last weekend was the longest time we went without speaking with each other: 3 nights. And that was because he was on a business trip and in meetings and at dinner, etc… Saturday night/Sunday morning I was worried a little because he didn’t send me a Good Night or Good Morning kiss like we always do if we can’t talk. It turns out that he lost his phone in someone’s car. I was the person he called as soon as he found it!
Even with that being said, I am constantly worried about “bothering” him or taking up too much of his time… Most likely that’s because of previous relationships and my parents always reminding me that I am not that awesome to anyone, ever… Never in a million years, do I want TC to resent me because I take too much time away from his work, daughter, life, etc… We’ve discussed my insecurities on this. Several times, in fact. It upsets him each time, but still he tells me that it is up to him to decide all of that and reassures me that it is nothing *I* need to worry about.
I guess it’s just going to take a while for me to get comfortable with having a comfortable relationship. Does that make sense? I trust him, but I still doubt myself.
I am struggling to learn and accept that TC will tell me when he needs space or when I am “bothering” him.
And that it’s completely up to him to decide.
I will get there because he is here to be patient with me. He is here to help me understand him.
And, better yet
P.S. He is absolutely mind-blowing at phone sex!! I didn’t know that we could achieve any intimacy like that, over the phone, but we do. Quite regularly actually. Don’t get me wrong, I would much rather be there with him physically but I can (and I will) take what I can get when I can get it!