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Would You Fight for Me?

It seems like, when I choose a ‘partner’, I pick men who are emotionally unavailable – whether I know they are or not.

They used to be men who wouldn’t even take care of me, let alone “fight for me”. In fact, when I actually started needing my partner to be present in the relationship, neither of my long-term relationships lasted at all. Both of them discarded me easily when I started needing them as much as they needed me.

I hoped that this time, with TC, I chose differently.

belong
I want this more than words can express. But, is it possible that I do things to ensure my relationships won’t work?

I worry constantly.

I am filled with self-doubt. He is so attentive and present in our relationship. Will he get sick of having to devote so much time and energy to me? And it’s not an “If?”, it’s a “When?”.

And when will I start believing that I really do fucking deserve the kind of attention that TC has given me? He even told me the other day that I should expect my partner to treat me the way I want to be treated. I deserve it.

He’s right, but I can’t get the thought to stick.

How do I break through the conditioning that tells me that I’m not worth it, even though I know I am? How do I shut up that discouraging voice inside my head? (Can I kill her?)

Twice now, TC has told me it seems like I am trying to find something wrong; looking for a problem…

Hmmm… Well, I probably am. Unintentionally.

I am very fatalistic: always anticipating the worst possible outcome/scenario to any given situation; drawing conclusions no right-minded person would draw on their worst of days. Things that would never, EVER happen in a hundred million years!

Sometimes, I think my extremism is warranted based on past experience. But, then there are all the other times.

Why does my brain go there? How do I stop it?

Is it because I haven’t had a steadfast and true partner who believed in me and supported me, in my almost-44 fucking years (25 years if we’re only counting the independent ones…)? After all, there hasn’t been anyone to contradict the crazy bitch in my head telling me what a fuck up I am. That’s a long time to be listening to all that discouraging crap!

Is it because no one has really fought for me? Is it because I haven’t had someone to stick with me and help me understand that the bullshit I tell myself isn’t true?

Is it because I haven’t had someone to show me that I am worthwhile and they do enjoy and value me enough to want to keep me in their life?

Wouldn’t that be nice…?

That’s why I’m so worried TC is going to stop liking me.

Because one day he might also decide that I’m not worth fighting for.

And that day has probably  already come…

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15 thoughts on “Would You Fight for Me?

  1. Darling – every inch of you is worth fighting for… This I learnt from Mr F last night. Trust Him. And more importantly, trust your beautiful self. YOU ARE WORTH SO SO SO MUCH . Stand in front of the bathroom mirror and while you brush your teeth say it – say “I am an amazing creature, a beautiful creature”… Even when toothpaste dribbles down your chin and lands on your freshly ironed shirt…. Even then …. You are worth it…

    1. Thank you, Sweetie! It was lovely for you to say that.
      As for trusting him, that will come in time. Perhaps.

      I love your comments so much! Thank you for your positivity and brightness!! ❤

      1. Darling Girl, time can be a great comfort and friend. I have been through a horrible 11 days… No word, not even on my birthday… But, I must remember my promise to Him five years ago and I must remember to trust Him… And after me mopping about feeling so miserable, He did the nicest thing…. So, He does adore me… And I just must always remember that… I am the chatty one and He is the silent type …

        But most importantly – you are a divinely gorgeous creature even with toothpaste dribbling down your chin xxx

      1. Bed time for me … Then a manic few hours as final packing for London… I love being here but can’t wait to get home to our tiny little home xx . I wonder if anyone remembered to water my garden xxx sweet dreams – if you ever do want to just vent, my email is there x

  2. Reading posts like this makes me so sad. My heart truly breaks for you, and I keep hoping you find some peace and contentment. That said … I feel a bit like the “therapy whisperer” whenever I read such plaintive pleas of “what’s wrong with me and my relationships?”

    My DH and I have been together more than 25 years, married for 17 of those years. This is my second marriage, and through that as well as my trials and tribulations with my DH, I have learned one thing: my husband is my husband, not my therapist. I want him to love me, not try to fix me. I want him to comfort me, not cure or heal all my past hurts he has nothing to do with. It’s far too great a burden for me to place on him, or for him to place upon me. At various times we have both worked with professionals to dump out all our shit, sort it out, put it back together in a healthier way so we can live with it and be happier as individuals as well as productive halves of an intimate partnership. There was a period where we were on the verge of divorce and had to work with a marriage counselor to put us back together.

    I had a shitty childhood with probably well meaning but unequipped and unintentionally terrible parents. The bat-shit crazy girl in my attic cannot be silenced, but I have learned how to control the volume or tell her to shut the fuck up and mean it. But as much as I love and adore my husband, he is just that – my husband. He’s my best friend, he’s #1 on my call list when good things happen or tragedy strikes, he’s always got my back – even when he privately believes I am dead wrong, and whether I like it or not he is my protector who would fight for me, for us. What he is not is my coach – we cannot even work out at the gym together – or my head-shrinking confidant. I pay professionals for those services, and it makes my relationship stronger and healthier. Perhaps this is something to think about, maybe explore when you’re emotionally bashing your own brains out over your perceived shortcomings.

    1. Thank you. That was lovely. I don’t think there is a thing I could say that does it justice! I appreciate your perspective and the fact that you took the time to say something so thought-out and kind.

      1. I truly believe you deserve everything good and more – you are a kind, generous, thoughtful person, and I always hope for better things than the pain you are feeling.

Talk to me :-)

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