It seems like, when I choose a ‘partner’, I pick men who are emotionally unavailable – whether I know they are or not.
They used to be men who wouldn’t even take care of me, let alone “fight for me”. In fact, when I actually started needing my partner to be present in the relationship, neither of my long-term relationships lasted at all. Both of them discarded me easily when I started needing them as much as they needed me.
I hoped that this time, with TC, I chose differently.
I worry constantly.
I am filled with self-doubt. He is so attentive and present in our relationship. Will he get sick of having to devote so much time and energy to me? And it’s not an “If?”, it’s a “When?”.
And when will I start believing that I really do fucking deserve the kind of attention that TC has given me? He even told me the other day that I should expect my partner to treat me the way I want to be treated. I deserve it.
He’s right, but I can’t get the thought to stick.
How do I break through the conditioning that tells me that I’m not worth it, even though I know I am? How do I shut up that discouraging voice inside my head? (Can I kill her?)
Twice now, TC has told me it seems like I am trying to find something wrong; looking for a problem…
Hmmm… Well, I probably am. Unintentionally.
I am very fatalistic: always anticipating the worst possible outcome/scenario to any given situation; drawing conclusions no right-minded person would draw on their worst of days. Things that would never, EVER happen in a hundred million years!
Sometimes, I think my extremism is warranted based on past experience. But, then there are all the other times.
Why does my brain go there? How do I stop it?
Is it because I haven’t had a steadfast and true partner who believed in me and supported me, in my almost-44 fucking years (25 years if we’re only counting the independent ones…)? After all, there hasn’t been anyone to contradict the crazy bitch in my head telling me what a fuck up I am. That’s a long time to be listening to all that discouraging crap!
Is it because no one has really fought for me? Is it because I haven’t had someone to stick with me and help me understand that the bullshit I tell myself isn’t true?
Is it because I haven’t had someone to show me that I am worthwhile and they do enjoy and value me enough to want to keep me in their life?
Wouldn’t that be nice…?
That’s why I’m so worried TC is going to stop liking me.
Because one day he might also decide that I’m not worth fighting for.
And that day has probably already come…