Our First Fight

Ha ha ha. How cute, right?

Not!

Last Saturday night, while we were talking, TC confessed that he owed me an apology for thinking that I was a wimp (whiny pee-pee head is the word he used) when I was complaining about the heat in Houston on my first day there. I haven’t really made a big deal about this here but, over a week later, I am still reeling from the heat rash it gave me – I have complained to him a couple of minor times about it since I got home…

Anyway, even though he very sincerely apologized for thinking I was a whiny pee-pee head, I couldn’t shake it from my head all day Sunday and all day Monday. The fact is, until he told me that, I thought he was fine with me and the thought never even occurred to me that he would think I’m a pussy!

Monday night at about 8:30, TC called and we started talking. I was edgy at the beginning of the call

#1 – because I spent two days realizing that TC thinks I’m a whiny pee-pee head and #2 – I had a stupid fucking dream about Loserman.

and TC picked up on that. He asked what was wrong and I told him the first couple times that it was nothing, but after he persisted, I confessed that it  really bothers me that he thinks I am a whiny pee-pee head. At this point I had been drinking and was a little belligerent, but not off-the-wall drunk yet. We discussed it for a moment and then TC said, “I think it’s time to say good night.” (it sounded like he was smiling as he said it, but I was very hurt and upset at the time so I think my evil self just stuck that in there as an extra jab to me)

I objected to his ending the call a couple of times. He said “good night” a couple more times and then he hung up.

TC hung up on me!

After insisting that I tell him what was bothering me, I told him and then he hung up on me!

The fact that he was so fucking polite about it by saying “Good night” to me over and over again didn’t make it hurt any less.

I knew he wasn’t going to answer his phone if I called him back, so I immediately went to Facebook and sent him the following direct message:

Seriously… You are going to ask me what’s wrong with me and then when I tell you, you are going to hang up on me?
I am sorry I said anything.

24 hours later he was still ignoring me. I sent him a Facebook message. His response was “Sleep Tite”.

That’s it.

I figured that, if he felt like listening to me and discussing this he already would have; before he hung up on me and ignored me.

Why is this silent treatment bullshit an acceptable way to disagree with a person you care about?! If he ignores me long enough, does that mean he wins?

And, because I overthink things and dwell and get fatalistic, I have convinced myself that TC doesn’t think I am worth the bullshit and he’s pulling out = quitting. The thought has crossed my mind that he needs time to work it out in his head, but he could have fucking told me that before he decided to castrate me of ALL my control by hanging up on me! OR, he could have sent me any kind of fucking message to tell me that he isn’t abandoning me!

This is the email I sent to him Tuesday night before I went to bed:

Are you ignoring me? How can you know my feelings if you avoid me?

When you hung up on me, it was like my feelings don’t matter to you. Even if you are frustrated with me for my feelings couldn’t you just tell me that? Especially after you’ve explained that you need me to tell you when I have a problem?

I am hurt because, if you do not believe in my strength, how can I be confident that you are truly supporting me and not just dealing with me because you have to – all the time thinking poorly of me in the back of your mind? I can be wimpy sometimes, I want someone to help me through the wimpiness. I wasn’t able to tell you that because you hung up on me.

If you are going to shut me down like that, how am I supposed to feel comfortable telling you when my feelings are hurt? And, subsequently, how am I supposed to feel afterwards when you’re ignoring/avoiding me?

We went to bed angry at each other last night. I know I have told you how important it is to me that we never go to bed angry with each other. It puts a giant riff between us, but you ended the call so there was no chance. Then, when you ignore me, it makes the chasm wider.

The post that published this morning was already scheduled before our “fight” last night. I only changed a few words after.

I don’t know what else to say.

Excerpts from Navigating the First Fight
by Sarah Frost

Your first disagreement with a new partner begins (whatever the issue may be). The first fork in the road comes here: deciding whether or not it’s a problem worth fighting over. I mean that in two ways. Is the problem really an issue? and is the relationship something you want to continue?

Take a minute to think about why you’re arguing. Is it the surface issue you think it is? Are you making a problem out of something that isn’t actually a problem? Are you doing it for a reason? Obviously, you can only analyze your part of the equation, but it’s important to take a minute and think about why there’s an issue, whether it’s something you can deal with and if it’s going to show back up later on in the relationship. 

If you’re not making excuses to start a fight out of insecurity or uncertainty, and you think the problem is one worth looking into, move along to the next step. If you’re making excuses to argue, you should probably just break up now. You’re just not that into it.

But if you are that into it, keep going. Take a right at the fork in the road, and give yourself a minute to figure out why you’re upset. As I alluded to earlier, most first fights are the product of letting someone into our personal space—physical, emotional, and sometimes a little of both. 

If something is bothering you, address it. Be honest. Because this is the first fight. It’s not the only one. Be honest because whatever you say now can potentially change the trajectory of the rest of your relationship….

Start a simple conversation…

“Hey, I really enjoy when you stay the night, but we need to probably figure out a schedule from now on. I can’t be late to work and I’m used to normally showering at 7:15. “

Explaining why you’re upset is the key. Be clear. 

“I love that you’re here, I’ve just grown used to doing things in a certain way. It’s going to take me a minute to adjust.”

Also…

Determining how to deal with defensiveness really depends on your partner; but, reiterating that you’re glad they’re there and explaining why you’re upset in a calm manner tends to work wonders.

Try to do that. Again, in an ideal world, you’ll both try hard to understand the other person’s perspective and listen intently. You’ll both apologize, grab brunch and cuddle on the couch for the rest of the weekend. But let’s say you don’t do that. You also get defensive. You invited them over, after all. You say a few hurtful things to one another and go your separate ways for the rest of the day.

What now?

This is the worst possible situation. 

But there’s good news: your relationship can definitely handle this; after all, every single other relationship that’s led to marriage and families and happiness has also withstood the first fight. 

If you’re in the right relationship, everything will work out, because you’re with someone who also wants to be in your relationship. 

The best way to handle this last scenario—which you will inevitably experience at some point in time during the length of your relationship because fighting happens—is to give each other a little space.

Process why you’re upset. Process why you think your partner is upset. Analyze the situation and try to get to the heart of each side of the story.

Then have a conversation about it. Reiterate to your partner that you didn’t mean to hurt their feelings; explain why yours were hurt. Ask them what hurt their feelings and what they wish you might have done differently. Have them explain how they communicate best, and explain what works for you. 

Learning how to talk to each other effectively will do amazing things for the rest of your time together. 

Remember: be honest, because this is setting up how you deal with problems for the rest of your relationship. Listen to your own thoughts and listen to your partner’s, as well. Navigating your first argument as a couple isn’t that difficult – but it’s not going to be easy, either. That’s part of the beauty, though. Boring things are never worth fighting for—only the good things.

Remember that while you’re upset.

I am waiting for TC to process this situation and decide if resolving our disagreement is worth it or if he’s finished wasting his time and energy on me.

Hopefully, soon I will be telling you something totally wonderful about how we came together and communicated, learned more about each other and grew closer…

Cross your fingers. Mine are.

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