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Fear and Excuses

“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal — as we are!”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

All I am hearing from you is fear and excuses. Are you even attempting to understand what I am trying to say?!?

I am trying to love you!

I’m scared, too. I was scared of being vulnerable and letting you in, but now that I have, I’m scared of losing you.

I am trying to give you forgiveness, openness, honesty, gentleness and love. With all of my being I want to fight back and say mean things that hurt you and make you cry. I want your heart to bleed as mine is, but that is just plain mean and I don’t feel like being mean. I care about you.

Last night, when I got home from skating, I even sent you a good night message:

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I am still struggling with that going-to-bed-angry thing… It’s been 3 nights now…

This morning, your response:

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Ouch. Well, I guess if you wanted to hurt me because you didn’t hurt me enough yesterday, that sure as hell did the trick. And you haven’t even addressed my actual kind and loving response to your fucking list!

Strike two.

Strike one was yesterday when you decided to send me that A through D itemized list that didn’t even address the actual issue.

Why are you throwing my olive branches back in my face? Why are you thwarting me?

Why are you bringing things into this that weren’t even the issue to begin with?

  • The statement you made yesterday about my “drunk driving comments” that Saturday night we were together. Of all the shit that I said and did that day, you continue to focus on that one thought?? And it’s not even a bad thing that I brought it up. It was in regards to your safety and well-being, for fuck sakes!
  • I knew your work comment from this morning was coming. Monday night, our phone conversation started with the fact that you had forgotten you were “Shift Lead” for the next two weeks. I apologized for being a distraction – I really feel very guilty about it… It’s something I want to talk to you about, but you shut me down.
  • Calling me a “liar”. Fine. I understand you are teasing when you say it. But, why did you bring a resolved problem into a new one?!?!?!

You keep telling me that it’s like *I* am looking for things to be wrong. Are you sure it’s *me* doing that?

Are you going to keep pushing me away until I disappear? Is that all I matter to you?

Remember how you told me that if we keep something bottled up inside, eventually it comes out as something else? Then, it makes it more difficult to figure out what’s wrong, because it’s probably not even relevant to the issue-at-hand??

Well… Here we are, at that place where I find out about all the things that I didn’t know were a problem because you were keeping them bottled up.

So, one more time… I tried again this morning…

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Then sent the following text:

I let myself get very close to you in a very short time. Like you’ve said: we could be a force to be reckoned with. We just need to learn to share ourselves and communicate. It’s easy to withdraw when we’re scared. I want you to know that I don’t ever want to fight with you, but we will have disagreements. It’s how we get through them, and how we work together that makes us stronger. I want to make this work, but I won’t force you.

If you keep shutting me down as I try to love you, eventually I will stop trying.

Eventually your world will be silent again…

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6 thoughts on “Fear and Excuses

  1. Have you thought about just lightening the mood and not talk about feelings or other issues for a couple of days or a week? It might do some good. My experience with guys is that they eventually close up if you keep pestering and/or bringing up feelings. You got to give them some downtime in between to just enjoy you and the fun conversations.

    1. Sure, but right now he isn’t talking to me about anything. Tonight I am going to try and call him just to say goodnight and hear his voice (I hope – even if it goes to voicemail, I hear him…)

      Thank you for that! ❤

Talk to me :-)

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