Last night TC tossed me a bone, but I was so busy freaking out and trying to get him to talk to me that I didn’t see it.
I didn’t see it because he sent me the message on Facebook and I haven’t been communicating with him that way this week — it’s been text, email and Twitter. Also, I don’t have a smart phone, so I don’t get any beeps or signals that I have received a message/status update/etc. Unless you text or call me, you pretty much have to wait until I log into my laptop – and then to Facebook. TC is aware of this.
And I was using Twitter because he is my Twitter crush and that’s where we met…
I am sure there is something subconscious in there that wanted me to take our disagreement to a more “virtual” platform: like Twitter, where we started off anonymously, instead of Facebook where we are both real.
Or, maybe I wanted to take it there because that was our initial forum, where we first got to know each other…
Anyway, what happened was, I got back from my friend’s birthday party around 8:15 and I had been drinking and it was my full intent to drink much more before I went to bed.
I wanted to talk to TC. To hear his voice. I missed him. Until this past Monday, we were talking almost every night and, all of the sudden, he dropped off completely… I wanted to make up and discuss how to resolve the issue and avoid a repeat in the future – that way we could get back to the good and harmonic part.
So, I called him twice in a row. He didn’t answer either time. I wasn’t surprised. The second time I called, I left a voicemail saying that I got home from the party early because I wasn’t really that into it and that I wanted to talk to him and hear his voice.
After that, I sent him a text message (which was only a voice recording of me) telling him that I wished he had a voicemail message instead of just the automated “you have called blah, blah, blah”.
45 minutes after that, I sent him the text, “I miss you.”
This is the point where TC sent me the message on Facebook that I didn’t see (my proverbial bone):
One side of me wishes that I had actually gotten that message to read it, but the other side of me says that I would have behaved the same way regardless.
No matter, I was on Twitter, not Facebook, so I didn’t see it.
While I was there, I scrolled through his Tweets for the past couple of days and found this one:
Along with a copy of the picture, I sent him the message: “Is this how you feel about me, too?”
He responded this morning with:
After I sent that, I went through and liked almost every single one of his Tweets and reTweets for the last couple of days. I wanted to show him that I was reaching out to him; that I needed him.
But I got nothing (except the Facebook message that I didn’t know about — and I am not absolving myself here either. I feel like a complete idiot.)
This morning, because (that I knew of) I hadn’t heard back from him, I sent him a text at the ass-crack of dawn.
Here, for your reading pleasure, is the conversation that ensued (I am blue, TC is red):
Then, he sent the following picture:
To which I responded:
TC has always told me to be myself, not to hold things back from him when they are bothering me.
There it was.
I was me, truly myself: hurting on the inside, struggling to deal with it and begging for attention and communication from my partner because the ways I had already tried didn’t work.
Whether or not my behavior was wrong is irrelevant at this point. If he decides to end us, at least I can be confident that I was finally truly and deeply myself.
And that’s where it stands.