Status

A Bone

Last night TC tossed me a bone, but I was so busy freaking out and trying to get him to talk to me that I didn’t see it.

I didn’t see it because he sent me the message on Facebook and I haven’t been communicating with him that way this week — it’s been text, email and Twitter. Also, I don’t have a smart phone, so I don’t get any beeps or signals that I have received a message/status update/etc. Unless you text or call me, you pretty much have to wait until I log into my laptop – and then to Facebook. TC is aware of this.

And I was using Twitter because he is my Twitter crush and that’s where we met…

I am sure there is something subconscious in there that wanted me to take our disagreement to a more “virtual” platform: like Twitter, where we started off anonymously, instead of Facebook where we are both real.

Or, maybe I wanted to take it there because that was our initial forum, where we first got to know each other…

Anyway, what happened was, I got back from my friend’s birthday party around 8:15 and I had been drinking and it was my full intent to drink much more before I went to bed.

I wanted to talk to TC. To hear his voice. I missed him. Until this past Monday, we were talking almost every night and, all of the sudden, he dropped off completely… I wanted to make up and discuss how to resolve the issue and avoid a repeat in the future – that way we could get back to the good and harmonic part.

So, I called him twice in a row. He didn’t answer either time. I wasn’t surprised. The second time I called, I left a voicemail saying that I got home from the party early because I wasn’t really that into it and that I wanted to talk to him and hear his voice.

After that, I sent him a text message (which was only a voice recording of me) telling him that I wished he had a voicemail message instead of just the automated “you have called blah, blah, blah”.

45 minutes after that, I sent him the text, “I miss you.”

This is the point where TC sent me the message on Facebook that I didn’t see (my proverbial bone):

response

One side of me wishes that I had actually gotten that message to read it, but the other side of me says that I would have behaved the same way regardless.

No matter, I was on Twitter, not Facebook, so I didn’t see it.

While I was there, I scrolled through his Tweets for the past couple of days and found this one:

wrong

Along with a copy of the picture, I sent him the message: “Is this how you feel about me, too?”

He responded this morning with:

wtf

After I sent that, I went through and liked almost every single one of his Tweets and reTweets for the last couple of days. I wanted to show him that I was reaching out to him; that I needed him.

But I got nothing (except the Facebook message that I didn’t know about — and I am not absolving myself here either. I feel like a complete idiot.)

This morning, because (that I knew of) I hadn’t heard back from him, I sent him a text at the ass-crack of dawn.

Here, for your reading pleasure, is the conversation that ensued (I am blue, TC is red):

response 2

response3

Then, he sent the following picture:
mind

To which I responded:
response4

TC has always told me to be myself, not to hold things back from him when they are bothering me.

Well.

There it was.

I was me, truly myself: hurting on the inside, struggling to deal with it and begging for attention and communication from my partner because the ways I had already tried didn’t work.

Whether or not my behavior was wrong is irrelevant at this point. If he decides to end us, at least I can be confident that I was finally truly and deeply myself.

And that’s where it stands.

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6 thoughts on “A Bone

  1. I’ve had this discussion with another blogger friend this week – it has to do with “who we are” versus our behaviours. Of course you should be who you are…but it may be helpful to recognize the behaviours you engage in (for example, scrolling twitter and liking all tweets, to get someones attention) that don’t actually get you the outcome you want. When you need someone, and they are taking some time to digest things, while it may be very difficult to not revert to known behaviours, perhaps the best thing is to not do what you would normally do. You aren’t denying yourself feeing that way or being who you are, you’re just dealing with it a different way.

    I do hope you are able to figure things out.

    1. Thank you, Ann! That is exactly what I was trying to do Tuesday and Wednesday. I was sending him just enough words to feel like I was defending myself and then tried to back off.
      While he is taking his time, I wanted him to know that I was having a tough time being put off. Also, he hasn’t answered a single one of my questions…
      Then, last night because the “new” way didn’t work, I went back to the old way. Not saying it’s okay, just felt helpless and I was drunk. I wanted to talk to him and make up and get past this. It sucks drawing it out like this. Let’s just fucking fix it already!

      You are very right (as you probably already know – being that intuitive Virgo and all…) 🙂

  2. It took me a long time but once I figured out I could be happy single, I stopped trying so hard with guys. If they didn’t like me then fine their loss and I would move on. I wish I had this confidence a lot sooner because it really opened my eyes to how many bad dating habits I had like begging them to forgive me or always trying to keep the peace even if they were being ridiculous.
    I say this because It seems like you are trying too hard in this situation. Guys like the chase so let him come to you. If he really wants you in his life he will contact you. Sending him texts and calling him and liking every Twitter post is a sure way to push him even further away.

    1. Thank you. I appreciate what you are telling me. There is a lot I want to say to your comment, but I feel it would seem defensive and argumentative.

      I have backed off from TC. The ball is utterly in his court now. My only problem is, I am supposed to be flying out to see him in less than two weeks. I am getting anxious.

    1. Thanks, Kitty ❤
      I looked back on a couple of my earlier posts where I just mentioned him in passing… I could have seen this coming. Also, it takes two to tango. I am disappointed, too, but I played a large part in this. I just want him to stop with the games. It hurts. If he's going to dump me, I wish he would just dump me. As it is, it seems like he's trying to be so flippant/rude to me that I break up with him.

Talk to me :-)

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