Seeing Loserman


Sunday night I had a dream about him.

When I woke up Monday morning I remembered it more vividly, but the memory quickly faded as the cobwebs cleared.

By the time I took my shower, I had forgotten I even had a dream.

As the day progressed, he was in my thoughts more than usual and, any more it’s very rare that I even think about him at all. (When I come across old blog posts I wrote about him, as Loverman, I fight the urge to delete them every single time.)

At lunch I felt like skipping my walk but I went anyway, rationalizing that I would feel better after I did it. I even did my lunges! It was truly impressive because I had such a whiny pee-pee head attitude at that point.

It helped. The day was absolutely gorgeous and there was a breeze. By the time I finished, I felt so much better! Just like I told myself I would.

Then, as I was returning to the building, one of the guys from my office was walking alongside a man who, from a distance, looked exactly like Loserman!

My heart leapt up into my throat and I started to panic. Even though I was finished exercising, my heart started beating faster and it felt like there was a brick on my chest.

It took a moment for me to refocus and actually look at the two of them. The man walking looked like Loserman, but he wasn’t. He had the same walk and a long-sleeved red shirt like one Loserman wore all the time, but then he passed up my co-worker and kept walking. I took another deep breath and reassured myself that Loserman would never waste the time to come and see me – that was part of my problem: he would never fight for me.

It was at that point I remembered my dream and the “near miss” continued to bother me for the rest of the day.

So much so that, after TC hung up on me Monday night, I considered texting Loserman to ask if he would take me back.

I mean, he’s a piece of shit and I’m a piece of shit…

And I already know the fucker…


7 thoughts on “Seeing Loserman

  1. Your a treasure – a total treasure – never let anyone tell you otherwise – and even now, I fight the urge to jump on a plane and make you see it for yourself —

    You have the people around you that you don’t deserve – because you think believe you deserve better – YOU DO DESERVE BETTER xxx

    1. Thank you, Dear ❤ Some days that is easier to hear (and tell myself) than others.
      I'm sure I'm just thinking this way because of what's going on with TC. I really appreciate your words of support!

    1. I know. He’s a piece of shit and, even though I feel like one, I am not. Thanks, Ann. I know that bringing Loserman back would only hurt me more. I have the tattoo right on my heart to remind me. Also, I am pretty sure that a couple people would be very upset with me if I did.

      1. No, you are not. And I understand the pull of something that’s known, even if it’s bad for you. But at least for me changing the behaviour is what has been so important – resisting that urge.

        And with regard to your Twitter friend… I know I haven’t read everything in detail but are you sure you aren’t trying to force fit something that was wonderful in theory but not in practice? It seems you may have some real differences when you are face to face and they aren’t small things to overcome. Please take it with a grain of salt but just ensure you aren’t forcing something to be right. xo

Talk to me :-)

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