Monday evening TC and I finally talked.
I didn’t want to go any longer without talking because every day that went by was making me panic more and more.
Also, there is the fact that I am supposed to be visiting him next Friday. That was freaking me out most of all.
It got to the point where I was so unsure of myself I reached out to a friend of mine to ask for advice. My questions to him were:
Since our text conversation Friday morning, TC hasn’t reached out to me at all. I have been afraid to even ask if he’s ready to talk. Anyway, I am(was) supposed to fly out to see him next weekend (8/21-23).When would it be okay for me to reach out to him and ask if I should cancel my flight? I mean, I have to tell my family something and get prepared…
Or, should I just cancel my flight and send him back his things that I have
Since we haven’t spoken for a week now, and the when we did he pretty much told me off, how can I ask without being an offensive cunt?
I wanted to get a man’s take on this because TC is a man and I am not — I need some insight on the proper way to approach my closed-off partner who happens to be male.
His answer was so amazing that I just stole part it and used it for myself:
I think you should reach out as soon as possible, leaving it will only make it more awkward later on (for both of you, probably). ASAP, like today. I would suggest writing a short, to the point message like “Hey, I still have those tickets for the weekend of the 21st, do you still want me to visit?” Shorter is better for guys, especially when things are complicated. Part of him is going to be expecting a tirade, if you don’t give him one he’ll be pleasantly surprised (hopefully). Just a straight forward message with no baggage attached. A message like that will allow him to focus on just answering the question rather than dealing with everything all at once. But it might get a conversation started where it will organically move into the other stuff. Kind of like breaking the ice again, if that makes sense.
Definitely talk to him before canceling the flight or sending his things. Put the ball in his court, that way he’s the good guy or the bad guy, not you.
I got a response from TC almost immediately.
After I asked: Hey, I still have those tickets for the weekend of the 21st. Do you still want me to visit?
here is how it went for a while…
– I am honestly trying to figure out what is the “smart” decision.
– I need to make arrangements and tell my family if I am leaving. Do you know if you will be able to talk to me again? How long should I wait? This is freaking me out.
– I’m not trying to drag this out and at the same time I’m trying to do what’s right. I have no clue what to do right now and also know my schedule’s about to go crazy. Got 3 trips this month 4 next, then enrollment season. Followed by a December January run and somehow trying to find a place….
– Would you be willing to have a conversation with me about this tonight, over the phone, so we can discuss it together? I feel like my opinions and insights on this don’t even matter and you’re going to make the decision without me getting to weigh in at all.
– Not your problems, just way too much uncertainty.
– Now add in emotions and…
– I was worried that this would get too overwhelming for you and you would shut me out. I want to work with you. I want to TRY with you, but not if you don’t want to.
– They are my problems – you are/were my partner. I wanted to *share* life and living with you.
….big, long pause…
– So “no” to the phone call tonight?
– I was just trying to love you
– I simply haven’t answered.
….another big, long pause…
– The crazy part is you haven’t even gotten close to experiencing “work TC” and I KNOW what’s coming and it ain’t gonna be pretty
– If you don’t let me have a chance, you will never know…
– You’re not going to see me and barely hear from me until around April
– So, can we talk tonight or what?
It took a painstakingly long time to find out what would be a good time to call him… I got snitty and impatient at the end of our message conversation and had the balls to even ask: “If I call will you answer?”
I regretted that as soon as I hit send…
He responded with sarcasm, as expected. I do not fault him even a little for that moment 😉
I called him as soon as our messaging ended.
The first hour of our phone call was really hard and it sucked. I wanted to fight and scream and swear, but at the same time I didn’t want to do those things either.
I persisted in asking whether he wanted me to still come see him next weekend.
His response each time was vague. He said how he wanted me to come, but he was too worried that he’s being too selfish and that, logically, the dynamic that is us has distracted him too much from his work.
I spent a lot of time fighting for us – telling him all the positive things I see about us and how we can help and uplift each other; how good we feel together but also, conversely, how discouraging it can be because we are so far apart…
I asked him if he was testing me. That made him very angry.
He spent a lot of time telling me how we can’t work, how there are too many things working against us; pointing out our differences, using logic as an excuse for everything: he’s a workaholic and he’s trying to learn how to juggle work, a child and then me. Fitting me into that puzzle has taken too much time away from his career. (I am feeling very guilty about that, but I won’t take responsibility for his choices – nor is he asking me to. We talked about that, too.)
I have been riding on waves of giddiness from the first two months of our “relationship” where he would talk to me every day all day and always say “Good night” and “Good morning” to me. I have always known it wouldn’t stay that way. TC has always told me that there are times where he will need to be completely focused on work.
I thought, a long time ago, we had discussed this and I had acknowledged it. Knowing is half the battle and, if he is open and continues to communicate with me about when he will be available and when he will not, I will be able to feel accordingly and let him have his time and space to work.
But, I can’t know what he isn’t telling me!
So… I think I am still going out to Houston next weekend, but still not 100%. He needs to “catch up” on all the work that has fallen behind. If he can’t get it done, then I don’t think I will be able to visit.
I have thought this, though. If I do go, I could bring my roller skates. Then one of the nights while I am there (Friday or Saturday), I can go skating while he gets some work done.
No matter all that… What sticks in my craw is that TC seems to be completely focused on the negatives and the “we can’ts” and, if he spends all of that time telling himself that we can’t work,
then we can’t work.
However, Monday night I went to bed with a more comfortable feeling in my heart than I had for a week…
And a whole lot to think about.