The weekend was nice, but I can’t say that I am any less confused. Maybe now I’m confused differently I guess?
Friday was absolutely lovely! It started out a bit awkward because of our fight and the fact that we’d only talked a couple of times since, but once we passed the initial discomfort, things went great.
Most of Saturday, too.
We watched TV, had sex, talked, got reacquainted with each other…
But, yet again, Saturday night got all fucked up. Except last month I was asking if he was okay over and over again and this time it was him asking if *I* was okay over and over again.
On our way back from a magnificent dinner, I mentioned going skating (I was kind of joking – we had been drinking and also, I was having a good time with him). He didn’t seem at all enthused about going so I said it was no big deal for us to stay in – the Broncos/Texans game was on anyway and we had a good time watching it instead. But, the whole time, he was completely preoccupied with the fact that I wanted to go skating. And he kept asking me if something was wrong and if I was okay. I explained to him that I only brought my skates in case he needed to work – then I would have something to do instead of just sitting at his apartment watching TV. Since he didn’t need to work, I didn’t have to find something else to do. He actually looked at me at one point and said, “I just can’t read you any more!” which I found amusing because that is something that I would say, sans the ‘any more’ part because I haven’t known him long enough to know what I’m reading…
Oh! And I got a wicked rash on my body again and I had found it just after we got back from dinner. It upset me because I had the heat rash for 3 weeks after I left his place last time and I don’t want to have to deal with this bullshit again – plus, it was what actually triggered our fight so I was trying to get past it with as little issue as possible. I don’t think it’s a heat rash like we originally thought, I think there is mildew in the couch and the carpet (he had a friend subletting it, furnished, and that guy left the window open all the time) and that’s what got to me. I was really careful not to sweat too much or get too hot this time – so was he. Anyway, he couldn’t understand why I was so upset about it even after I explained it a few times.
Eventually we climbed into bed – separate, not touching, awkward… I waited for his breathing to get steady and then got up to take out my teeth and smoke a bowl and try to figure out what the fuck… While I was smoking, he spoke up from the bed, “So that’s how it’s going to be? You’re going to make an issue about this when it wasn’t even an issue?” I explained exactly to him what I just explained to you and he got out of bed and came to sit on the ottoman next to me. I thought he was angry, it was dark, we didn’t have our glasses on…
We talked for a while. I cried because I totally didn’t understand what was going on. Earlier I had an absolutely heavenly fried softshell crab dinner and he even made sure that I ordered a ‘Texas’ Mule. After that, we enjoyed talking about football and watching the game. I told him that part of my frustration was the rash all over my back again and how I didn’t want to be a disappointment.
Things were so completely back and forth between “he likes me” and “he doesn’t like me”.
Good: He set all his work aside for the weekend to be with me
Bad: He was sarcastic with me all weekend long. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to insult me or being passive-aggressive or just making really bad jokes at my expense.
Good: On his bedside table is everything that I gave him the last time I visited. I thought it was so sweet that he keeps it there.
Bad: I got dressed up and put makeup on (I generally don’t do makeup and, even when I do, it’s very light). I even brought a nice pair of glittery Steve Madden sandals – modest but very nice. Only once did he make a comment about my looking nice, but it wasn’t even a compliment. It was an aside about how he didn’t want to get all naked and sweaty again after I got all “beautified”. I talked to him briefly about it late Saturday night – acknowledging that he said the beautified thing and I liked it.
Good: After everything was said and done Saturday night, and we climbed into bed a second time and he pulled me very close and tight and made sure that I felt wanted and secure.
Bad: My flight home was delayed by almost two hours, but I didn’t find out until TC dropped me off at the airport (not that anything would have changed if we’d known, he had to go pick up his daughter). When I texted that to him, along with “Checkin went smooth. Have a good night. This weekend was wonderful” he responded with “Good thing we hurried then. It was a great weekend. Have a good week”. He never once asked me to let him know when/if I made it home safe… Since that text I haven’t heard from him. Nothing. *sigh*
But, no matter any of that. Even if this is how he deals with stuff and he isn’t used to sharing any of his space, blah, blah, excuse, excuse… TC isn’t what I desire in a partner.
He WAS when we first started this, and then for another 3 months… Talking about long term things… Being all present and attentive…
But then I remember he’s a Cancer…
Maybe I’m not so confused after all.