As my emotions start to clear out of my head a bit, I am less confused on some things and more on others: less about TC and more about me.
Actually, TC is quite simple here. He’s not even being mean about it. He’s just being himself and I can’t fault him for that. He’s vulnerable with me in the ways he’s comfortable being vulnerable with me when he feels comfortable. It’s only confusing to me because he can be so open, but then he becomes so closed off. It’s like a switch is flipped, turning things inside of him on and off in an instant. I am not really defending him as much as stating a fact.
A few posts back, Ann St. Vincent mentioned in a comment that it seemed like I was trying to force something together that just wasn’t meant to fit. I think she’s very right, in a way… I mean, I can’t just go barging into his life and expect him – someone who is used to being alone and not having to talk about everybody’s feelings all the time or navigate around them – to immediately absorb the difference with no impact.
Again, I’m not trying to defend him as much as I’m actually trying to present everything more objectively and less emotionally.
Our first several weeks were totally intense and I was immersed in the beginnings of a “relationship” with someone who seemed totally like my fantasy man = too good to be true.
Relationships take time and patience and working together. There will also be fights and disagreements and hurtful behaviors (whether we know they’re hurtful or not). During all of those times, each of us will react differently and need different things. In the context of a “relationship”, those are things we need to learn about each other. We not only need to be patient with our partner, but we need to be patient with ourself while we struggle to understand and work things through.
Basically, it states that I hit a nerve with TC and he backed off to deal with it. When that happened, I got totally scared that he was quitting ‘us’ and literally forced myself on him in an attempt to try and work things out. Even after a week of separation he hadn’t worked things out. In fact, all this time later, he admits that he still doesn’t have any of it worked out.
In the meantime, I have been racing at the speed of light to find and keep empty words and promises spoken while in limerence; promises for things that I don’t even need. Surely it would be nice to have a person to share similar experiences with, but I sure as hell don’t need it. It’s like I’m trying to make up for lost time because I didn’t get what I wanted out of my 22-year marriage to Doom-n-Gloom then I got a little taste of it with Loserman. I liked it, but he’s gone…
I always thought that I was simple.
Really, that’s hardly the case.
I am working on simplifying myself; trying to iron out the wrinkles and untangle the twisted messes.
This is what I have so far:
- I really do try to fuck things up because I don’t want to be happy or, for some reason, I don’t think I deserve to be happy
- I choose partners I subconsciously realize cannot make me happy, or who will always be too aloof and emotionally/physically unavailable
Which leads me to ask:
- What am I unconsciously (yet intentionally) doing to fuck things up? Do I look for reasons to be unhappy? I’ve been watching myself lately and it doesn’t seem like it…
- How did my heart know that TC was that same type of emotionally unavailable guy? And, now that my conscious self knows, why can’t I let him go?
- What is it about these guys that attracts me and hooks me? Is it some way that they initially act? Something subliminal that I pick up on? A lost puppy kind of thing maybe? But I have learned to stop giving away my money!
- What is this strange hangup I’ve just discovered within myself about not wanting to burn bridges? (this is something I hope to figure out soon… It has a lot to do with why I clung to Loserman so long and, of course, Doom-n-Gloom… I seem to be holding out for something. But, for what? Why can’t I just give up hope on the hopeless things?)
Ironically, in a month (if all goes well) I will be a divorced, single woman with the ability to freely date (as free as imaginable while still living with my ex) but I have no desire to try or start working on a relationship. It’s too fucking hard and damn near impossible to find someone who wants to cooperatively put in the amount of effort it actually takes to get this shit to work.
Which, I guess, is a good thing since I obviously have some issues within myself that I need to deal with. One of the biggest being the fact that I can’t seem to get over that mother-fucker Loserman…
Then I get to thinking about the cruelty of nature and sexual peaks…
I mean, I am just starting to explore and enjoy my actual sexuality without shame or denial and now, instead of being able to do that, I have to be alone and start “working on myself”?!!?
I am horny all the time and all I really want is to have someone I can fuck on the regular. A warm, attractive man with a fun personality, a perfectly rigid dick and some kinky fantasies he wouldn’t mind exploring with me.
You know, someone who really knows how to fuck or maybe just someone that really wants to learn how to fuck. That would be okay, too.
Screw all that relationship crap. I’m trying too fucking hard.
If TC wants me, he knows where I am and he knows what I want/desire/need out of a partner.
But for now I will keep trying to figure my shit out.