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Simple vs. Complicated

FINE

As my emotions start to clear out of my head a bit, I am less confused on some things and more on others: less about TC and more about me.

Actually, TC is quite simple here. He’s not even being mean about it. He’s just being himself and I can’t fault him for that. He’s vulnerable with me in the ways he’s comfortable being vulnerable with me when he feels comfortable. It’s only confusing to me because he can be so open, but then he becomes so closed off. It’s like a switch is flipped, turning things inside of him on and off in an instant. I am not really defending him as much as stating a fact.

A few posts back, Ann St. Vincent mentioned in a comment that it seemed like I was trying to force something together that just wasn’t meant to fit. I think she’s very right, in a way… I mean, I can’t just go barging into his life and expect him – someone who is used to being alone and not having to talk about everybody’s feelings all the time or navigate around them – to immediately absorb the difference with no impact.

Again, I’m not trying to defend him as much as I’m actually trying to present everything more objectively and less emotionally.

Our first several weeks were totally intense and I was immersed in the beginnings of a “relationship” with someone who seemed totally like my fantasy man = too good to be true.

Relationships take time and patience and working together. There will also be fights and disagreements and hurtful behaviors (whether we know they’re hurtful or not). During all of those times, each of us will react differently and need different things. In the context of a “relationship”, those are things we need to learn about each other. We not only need to be patient with our partner, but we need to be patient with ourself while we struggle to understand and work things through.

LolaMoi over at Secret Thots sent me this link in a comment to How to Suffocate a Relationship in One Easy Step. It was a perfect story and it really sunk in with me because I did exactly this.

Basically, it states that I hit a nerve with TC and he backed off to deal with it. When that happened, I got totally scared that he was quitting ‘us’ and literally forced myself on him in an attempt to try and work things out. Even after a week of separation he hadn’t worked things out. In fact, all this time later, he admits that he still doesn’t have any of it worked out.

In the meantime, I have been racing at the speed of light to find and keep empty words and promises spoken while in limerence; promises for things that I don’t even need. Surely it would be nice to have a person to share similar experiences with, but I sure as hell don’t need it. It’s like I’m trying to make up for lost time because I didn’t get what I wanted out of my 22-year marriage to Doom-n-Gloom then I got a little taste of it with Loserman. I liked it, but he’s gone…

I always thought that I was simple.

Really, that’s hardly the case.

I am working on simplifying myself; trying to iron out the wrinkles and untangle the twisted messes.

This is what I have so far:

  • I really do try to fuck things up because I don’t want to be happy or, for some reason, I don’t think I deserve to be happy
  • I choose partners I subconsciously realize cannot make me happy, or who will always be too aloof and emotionally/physically unavailable

Which leads me to ask:

  • What am I unconsciously (yet intentionally) doing to fuck things up? Do I look for reasons to be unhappy? I’ve been watching myself lately and it doesn’t seem like it…
  • How did my heart know that TC was that same type of emotionally unavailable guy? And, now that my conscious self knows, why can’t I let him go?
  • What is it about these guys that attracts me and hooks me? Is it some way that they initially act? Something subliminal that I pick up on? A lost puppy kind of thing maybe? But I have learned to stop giving away my money!
  • What is this strange hangup I’ve just discovered within myself about not wanting to burn bridges? (this is something I hope to figure out soon… It has a lot to do with why I clung to Loserman so long and, of course, Doom-n-Gloom… I seem to be holding out for something. But, for what? Why can’t I just give up hope on the hopeless things?)

Ironically, in a month (if all goes well) I will be a divorced, single woman with the ability to freely date (as free as imaginable while still living with my ex) but I have no desire to try or start working on a relationship. It’s too fucking hard and damn near impossible to find someone who wants to cooperatively put in the amount of effort it actually takes to get this shit to work.

Which, I guess, is a good thing since I obviously have some issues within myself that I need to deal with. One of the biggest being the fact that I can’t seem to get over that mother-fucker Loserman…

Then I get to thinking about the cruelty of nature and sexual peaks…

I mean, I am just starting to explore and enjoy my actual sexuality without shame or denial and now, instead of being able to do that, I have to be alone and start “working on myself”?!!?

I am horny all the time and all I really want is to have someone I can fuck on the regular. A warm, attractive man with a fun personality, a perfectly rigid dick and some kinky fantasies he wouldn’t mind exploring with me.

You know, someone who really knows how to fuck or maybe just someone that really wants to learn how to fuck. That would be okay, too.

Screw all that relationship crap. I’m trying too fucking hard.

If TC wants me, he knows where I am and he knows what I want/desire/need out of a partner.

But for now I will keep trying to figure my shit out.

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4 thoughts on “Simple vs. Complicated

  1. Darling – I met Mr F five years ago. The moment I opened the door I fell hook line and sinker. I knew I wanted no other. There are parts of me I need to control – one of those being my emotions. I made Him a promise. I would accept Him for who He is – I would never get emotional/cross upset if He did not call or see me for months on end – but in return He had to accept me for me. That I would send Him messages – these did not ever need answering unless I needed a direct answer, but He understood and accepted that I am girl and I need to talk. It has given Him the time and the freedom to find Himself without the pressure – I truly believe that we are where we are today because of it.

    Oh, please don’t misunderstand me – it used to break my heart with misery and longing – but these were my issues not His and these issues I had to deal with and not Him. He has had His own demons that He has had to deal with – but always giving Him a guilt free option has worked for Him/me.

    I am now in a place – where I can miss Him, but know that He does in fact adore me – I have never, not once, ever broken my promise – and He knows that whenever He calls – I will move heaven and earth to be with Him.

    I have just less than two years before my beloved child leaves for college – this He knows. It gives us both time to work on us and ourselves – and I believe and hope that when she leaves for college – then…. I have no ties – just Him.

    Darling – get rid of loser man and husband – when divorce is final… close the book – stop – STOP STOP STOP – looking back – open a new book – with clean fresh white pages. Write a New Story – without the baggage. It is these people in your past that keep you thinking it is your fault. It is not – you are just a darling girl looking for love…

    Whether or not it will work with TC is….

    But start with a clean page – and write – dont expect to hear back – as this is unfair… if and when you write and something catches His eye – smile – and keep going –

    Show Him in different ways that you are determined but that you will also allow Him the time and space to fight His own demons, which my sweet girl, you cannot do for Him – but you can be there when He needs you – that is so important… (sometimes their Demons are far far far greater than ours – but it is all relative)

    Many will probably disagree with me – maybe you too – but for me and Him, it has given us both such a base and such solid ground to work from. He trusts me completely as I trust Him. I trusted Him from the moment I met Him, I gave myself fully to Him, utterly and completely, but it has taken a long long time for Him to trust me – and here we are now… five years later, no longer lovers, but Master and slave. My patience and total belief in Him as paid off and He has given me His heart to cherish and care for – which I do with love and care. I am His and He is mine and I would give Him the world if I could.

    My darling – please, stop blaming yourself for choosing crappy men – you have always taken a chance – that is what is important – it just happens that those chances have not worked – that is life and not you.

    I so wish I could explain this better – but be gentle and believe in yourself – and keep that oh so beautiful heart open xxxxxxxxx.

    I know you are worth it -and so does your heart – just let your mind follow through.

    Please say you forgive me if I have spoken out of turn. Not all men are bad – some, and maybe TC – like Mr F – just need so much more time than others.

    I adore you precious girl and forgive me xxx

      1. Darling Girl – I am so glad and so glad that I have not over stepped the mark – it’s not that I disagree with the others regarding TC, but I just have a different opinion and a different life. Many many people have said the same about Mr F – but I believed in Him from the beginning and will believe in Him till the end – He just needs time and space and an immense amount of patience from me. I could have walked away a long time ago – but… oh my love, I am so glad I didn’t. When I read your words about TC – I see Mr F…

        I am always on email and in 5 days will be back on my computer – but you can always mail me and I will always be there.

Talk to me :-)

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