Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Throwback Thursday: 06/27/2010

on September 10, 2015


This is what I wrote the first time that Loserman stopped talking to me, 5 damn years ago, before I started my blog.

It reads just like present-times…

It’s over. Done. He hung up on me on Father’s Day while we were talking about when he would be able to finish fixing my car. It hurts so bad this time that:
  1. I don’t even want to write about it, it’s so stupid – maybe finally his wife found out and he’s trying to prove something to her about his love (see #3 for more on his loving her)…
  2. I feel like such a moron for thinking that all the bullshit he said was true. like “I love you”, “I’ll never leave you”, “I’m always be with you”, “I’m yours already”…  FUCKED UP!  Why would I EVER in a BILLION YEARS think that such a beautiful man would ever truly WANT me.  He’s the biggest self-involved mother-fucker that I have met to date, but I felt special because he ‘liked’ me.
  3. The stupidest parts of #2 are related to #1…  Like – why didn’t I listen to my better judgment? I’m old enough that I should have been smarter.  He obviously has a problem with commitment… He tries but then there’s this regular problem that he refuses to deal with and then ‘his girlfriend’ gets out of control because truly he’s a self-involved mother-fucker! I am impressed that his wife could deal with the bullshit for so long – and he’s only being nice to her because she is paying all of his bills right now.
  4. Because of that mother-fucker I am starting to hate myself again!  And I AM going to blame it on him. It’s that “horsefly’s” fault for even letting me think that an “us” was even possible. He must be getting what he needs from his wife…
I am SO angry with myself. So mad that I could be stupid enough to believe the things that he said. Even if he does try to contact me at this point I think he’s truly shown me what a horrid person he is and I can’t even let him in again for the most-awesome-sex-that-I-could-ever-know.  It was SO good.  I think he could be right.  I did only want him for his “froggy style”…

8 responses to “Throwback Thursday: 06/27/2010

  1. Do you not think those things could have been true at the time?

    While I do believe men will often say anything to get what they want, I also think in anger (especially if you don’t see your own value) you doubt everything that happened.

    You’re not stupid for believing things. But it’s important to pay attention to red flags and other signals and maybe temper your emotions before you get too deep.

    Don’t beat yourself up about this too much. It’s an opportunity to look at patterns and maybe next time, change the behaviours that get you to this place. It’s really hard to do, but I have faith 🙂

    • Thanks, Ann 🙂 I have faith in me, too ❤ In reality, I am not beating myself up over this, just introspecting (but I think it would be fair to thrash myself a little, my 'relationship' with him lasted 6 years!). I kept going back to Loserman, I think it's because I love him, but I don't know. There were so many times when he was really good to me and it felt so awesome. It sucks to lose that. Even if those moments were fleeting, they still existed.

      I don't think I know what love is. (Damn, now I have that Foreigner song stuck in my head…!)

      It's so hard not to fall too fast… It's easy to get swept off my feet because I am yearning for that connection and companionship and, to be honest, validation. I am discovering that too much validation too early is very bad. Slow is the key here, but I have never been good at slow. I always hit the ground running.


  2. miss agatha armstrong says:

    i have faith too – i know that you can see your new self x

Talk to me :-)

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