More Feelings or Introspection or Something

by smitten on October 20, 2015

Sometimes I wonder if I am too overly critical of my partner. (Ya think?)

I mean, I am too overly critical of myself…

Do I intentionally pick someone who cannot give me what I need and then hold them to some unachievable expectation?

Then they can never be what I truly want/desire in a partner?

I mean, with both Doom-n-Gloom and Loserman that could be possible, but with TC… *smh* I really don’t know what happened there.

I think that I needed everything with TC to happen just the way it did so I could start working on actually getting over Loserman instead of continually blocking out my feelings for him and telling myself I didn’t want to feel them.

Then there’s the whole sex thing. I want to fuck. I really like it and now that I have a taste for the good stuff, I don’t want to give it up.

Nope. Don’t wanna.

But I need my vulnerability to be with someone who I trust, which means I need to establish some kind of ongoing ‘relationship’ with said person.

LetGo

Which is kind of what I have been doing, now that I look at things. It just happens to be with more than one man…

I trust Mitch. I have an established, ongoing relationship with him, but it is a friends-with-benefits kind of situation. It will not be long term – at least not “like that”. Says him. Emphatically. (Even though this has been going on for quite some time now 😉 )

And there’s Azi. We’ve been fucking on and off since last November. I trust him. There’s no reason not to. He’s a good man. We talk a lot about our lives and offer each other advice when solicited. But he is very vanilla and, at times, very infuriating. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with him. There is no ‘spark’. And he doesn’t like kissing!!!

Recently, I’ve added Alaska. We met on Tinder and started chatting mid-September and met up near the end. I like him. We’ve been on 7 “dates” and have many things in common. But, he isn’t much of a kisser either. He is a “Dom” to my “sub”, though. I’m just not quite sure about the fit. He wants me to call him Daddy and I most definitely have daddy issues, but the D/s kinky stuff is only for the bedroom.

I’ve only just met Alaska so I can’t say for sure, but at this moment, there is only one of these three men that I could see myself being with long-term and that’s Mitch.

Hmmm…

Is that because he is the *one* I can’t actually have?!

***Or*** is it because he is the only one that I actually had some type of relationship with BEFORE I had sex with him?

Fuck!