Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Self Doubt…

on December 22, 2015

…It’s killing me.

I want to blame Loserman, but it really only starts there. The rest is me and my lame choices during my struggle to get over that horrible horsefly.

  • Scorpio – we’re still friends. Regardless, he was a bad choice.
  • TC – believe it or not, he’s a tough one to get over. Even though I only knew TC for a short time, he really broke my heart.

More recently, my endeavors to “enjoy” my job whilst “trying to get along” with my stupid bitch-ass co-worker haven’t really been working out.

I’ve been actively looking for a new job since the last time Boss Lady pulled me into her office and told me no one wanted to come into work because of me (not the actual crazy girl)… Every day I tell myself I am going to get something accomplished. And then I don’t. Every day I tell myself I am going to get a new job. And then I don’t. *sigh* (I’ve even changed all my passwords to variations of the phrases “get a new job” and “joy from rain”)


Being rejected isn’t helping me learn how to deal with being rejected, surprisingly.

I am always telling myself that everything happens when it’s supposed to and for a reason, so I am trying to wait patiently for what I am supposed to have and do.

No matter that, the self doubt is driving me into the ground.

Then, there’s Alaska. Surprisingly, he is a bit like the light at the end of my tunnel.

But getting through that tunnel is what scares me.

fear of rejection

It’s easier for me to believe that he’s only using me temporarily, until he can find something better, than it is for me to believe that he actually enjoys my company and self and likes to be around me.

What am I looking for?

What am I waiting for?

What is my problem?

I am still telling myself that I’m probably just his sex toy. Even though it’s quite obvious I’m more than that.

… … … He asked me to spend Thanksgiving with his family and he wanted to hang out with me on his birthday… Last Friday night he invited me to his Mom’s house for his birthday dinner/family Christmas… … …

When I feel like I am starting to like him too much, I put emotional distance between us – after his mom’s Christmas dinner, I practically ran from his place when we were done.

I can’t tell if it’s because I’m scared (because I am), or if it’s because I want to actually end things with him.

So, how do I stop worrying? How do I know my true feelings?


3 responses to “Self Doubt…

  1. johnnyid says:

    Probably the kind of questions that most of us ask periodically. If you find out the answer let the rest of us know. Until then, do what’s right for you. I have to say though, I’m always offering a tidbit about guys: if they’re into you they’ll make the effort. He’s making an effort, that’s a good start.

Talk to me :-)

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