I broke up with Alaska on New Years Eve at pretty much the strike of midnight.
At least it felt like a break-up…
I had been feeling strange about him all week before that. It was partly the fact that he hadn’t “marked” me the last time we were together: I didn’t know how to react or feel about it. And partly because his attentiveness had kinda dropped off.
But maybe I was making excuses because I was already looking for a reason to run.
I mean, I should have been happy. For the first time in ever, he initiated contact Thursday by sending me two naked selfies!
I told him I missed his sexy body and he responded with, “LOL oh really”
I am so sick of him responding like that when I say something! A couple days earlier I opened up with him and he said the same thing.
I chose to reply with levity, but I was hurt. Such fucking aloofness!
Sometimes I wish he would toss me an, “I enjoy spending time with you too.” Or, “You’re sweet.” Or a simple, “Thank you.”
What the fuck is this, “Oh really?” shit?
Of course, Asshole! Really, I fucking do!! That’s why I fucking said it!
I’ve told him as much on more than one occasion.
After the selfies, he called me Thursday afternoon to talk. I was at the store picking up some things, so I told him that I needed to talk to him and asked if I could call him back?
“Of course,” he said.
When I did call him, I told him that I was worried he hadn’t marked me when I was over last and asked if everything was okay. He told me that everything was okay with us. There will be times when he doesn’t want to mark me or hurt me…
I told him that I am constantly worried I can’t be a good sub; that I won’t be able to kneel before him for long enough or take the amount or kind of pain he wants to inflict. He told me that he understands we all have physical limitations, older or younger, that’s part of being a person. Getting to know each other and those limitations is part of having a relationship.
We discussed our plans for the evening. Mine were to go home and do some mushrooms and watch the Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy with Thing #1. He would be going over to his brother’s or sister’s party, he wasn’t sure which yet.
I’m not sure why, but that conversation didn’t leave me feeling any better or more secure than I did before we talked.
He called me back later, while I was on my way home and asked if I wanted to go to his sister’s party with him. I should have said “No, thank you. I’m going to stick with my plan.”
But I didn’t. Instead of watching Twilight Zone while hallucinating with my daughter, I changed my route and drove over to Alaska’s place.
I got there and we sat and talked a little while. I told him I would probably need a shower before we left. He told me to get down on my knees and suck his dick before I showered.
I did exactly as I was told and did a damn fine job of it, too! He even told me halfway through I made him so hard he couldn’t even cum.
Eventually he did cum and I took my shower.
I felt a little bad that I didn’t have anything “nice” to wear, but he assured me it was no big deal, it wasn’t a fancy dress party or anything. And we left.
On the drive there, I explained that I don’t do well with groups of strangers and I needed him to keep an eye on me to make sure I was doing okay. He told me that I would be fine because I’ve already met his family; the rest of the people wouldn’t be a big deal.
“But, Daddy, it will be a big deal to me. I may have met some of these people, but I don’t know any of them well enough to feel at home and comfortable with them. I’m telling you this because I need you to understand.”
He didn’t understand. It didn’t even seem like he tried to understand.
We stopped at Wal-Mart so he could get me a “sexy” outfit to wear for him after the party. (sexy is a relative word…)
As soon as we walked into his sister’s house, Alaska walked away from me, saying, “I’m going to go say hello to my dad for a couple minutes. Why don’t you go get something to eat?”
He didn’t even stay with me long enough to walk through the front door together, let alone introduce me to anyone!
I got myself a plate and sat down in the only seat available – all the way across the room from Alaska and the rest of his family (the only people there that I knew).
He didn’t even save me a seat or acknowledge my presence when I entered the room and sat down.
Oh! And I would like to add it was a fancy dress party! I was wearing jeans and a very casual button-up top.
When his sister repeatedly told him she wanted to get a picture of the two of us together, he completely ignored her. I answered, “I don’t think he wants to have a picture taken with me. It’s probably best, I’m not so photogenic anyway.”
At one point I looked over at him and he was playing on his phone so I asked, “Are you seriously playing video games right now?” (My eyes were on fire with rage!)
“No, I’m playing Spades.”
What the bloody fuck!?!?!?
That was the ONLY thing he said to me the ENTIRE time we were there! No shit! In fact, about 30 minutes after that, I moved over to the recently vacated couch and started playing video games on my phone.
He didn’t even tell me it was time to go. He simply stood up and put on his jacket. When I asked him if he was going out to warm up the car, he replied, “No. You can. I’ll be out in about 10 minutes.”
This is the FIRST “man” I have ever dated who doesn’t at least offer start my car for me or scrape it off when it’s snowy or frosty. He is the FIRST man who doesn’t open ANY doors for me – ever! He doesn’t kiss me, he doesn’t hold hands with me; no public affection and he can’t even hold a conversation with me in mixed company?!?
Those were my thoughts as I shivered in the 8-degree darkness for 10 minutes waiting for my “boyfriend” so we could go home.
We got back to his place and, before he took his shower, I was told to put on the outfit he got me at Wal-Mart.
I stood in the middle of his living room floor for quite a while convincing myself NOT to pack up all my shit and leave. I wanted to run away with every single bit of my being.
But, instead of leaving, eventually I did as I was told. The top fit well, but the panties were way too small!! I couldn’t get them over my hips. We bought them in “my size” but you ladies know how that goes…
Alaska’s shower ended and I still wasn’t dressed like I was supposed to be. I started to panic.
It just so happened that I was wearing a pair of my sexy panties that day. I quickly threw on that pair so at least it would look like I had made an effort to obey him. When he walked out from the bathroom, the first thing I said was, “I’m sorry, Daddy. But the panties we picked out don’t fit.”
“Let me see,” he said and watched me struggle to get my underwear up over my ass. It wouldn’t go up any further and I looked at him with sad and hopeless eyes that said, “See?”
“We’ll just have to make them fit then,” he said as he forcefully pulled the tiny g-string up over my fat ass. I stood there before him completely humiliated and degraded. My fat was blobbing out over and under the waistline of the panties and I was sure I looked hideous.
When I tried to tell him that, he told me to go stand in the corner.
After about 5 minutes in the corner of thinking I should go put my clothes on and leave, he told me to get “my switch” and railed on me with that switch 7 times, each time harder than the last. I don’t know what it was about hit #7, but it hurt like a mother-fucker. It hurt so much that I screamed – I haven’t ever screamed with him.
I reminded him of how I had asked him to “warm me up” the next time he spanked me: reason being, he would be able to spank me longer and mark me better. This time he really got into it and hurt me. Right away.
“Don’t tell me how to be a Dom!”
He sent me to the corner again and I began to say, “Daddy, I already hate myself enough. I don’t need your help…”
“Shut up, Bitch,” and after a few more minutes in the corner, “Come over here and drink your wine.”
“What if I don’t want any wine, Daddy? May I please have water instead? What if I don’t want to be drunk tonight while you’re hurting me?” (Note: he had already had the equivalent of 4 beers.)
“You will drink it because I told you to drink it.”
“I don’t want to be drunk right now, Daddy.”
“I didn’t tell you to get drunk. Just drink it like you’re told!”
I took a sip and returned to my corner. I couldn’t stop crying this time.
After more standing in the corner, he told me to go into the bedroom and get my rope.
Again, I did as I was told.
I handed him the rope and knelt before him with my hands out to him. While he was tying my wrists together, I debated for a minute or two, but looked directly into his eyes and asked him “Daddy, why do you think you deserve my submission?”
“Because you’re mine. You gave yourself to me.”
“My submission is a gift to you, Daddy. It doesn’t seem like you appreciate what I am giving to you. Tonight when we were at your sister’s party, you practically ignored me. It was like I wasn’t even there. You didn’t even sit with me. Not even for a second. All the other ‘couples’ were together.”
“They weren’t together as couples the whole time they were there,” was his retort.
“Maybe not, but they were together AT ALL, which is the point I am trying to make. Are you ashamed of me? Am I ugly or embarrassing? Why wouldn’t you talk to me? I told you I don’t do well in groups of strangers.”
He said, “If I was ashamed or embarrassed by you then why would I even have you over to meet my family?!?!” Then we had the same conversation as before about me and strangers – Alaska still not understanding me, or seemingly trying.
“It’s like you don’t give a crap about my feelings. Do you respect me at all?”
“I’m not arguing with you about it,” he said. “This conversation is over.”
I glared deeply into his eyes and angrily directed him to untie my wrists. Once untied, I tore off the hideous panties and shirt he made me wear for him and started getting re-dressed in my street clothes. As I was doing all that, snot and tears rolled down my face and I said, “I just want to look pretty for you. Wearing those panties made me feel fat and hideous and gross and disgusting. I can feel all those things all by myself – I don’t need your help to feel like an ugly, fat piece of shit. I tried to tell you all of that but you wouldn’t listen. You told me to shut up. You didn’t even reassure me by telling me that, even though I thought I was ugly in those underwear YOU still see me as beautiful.”
“Are you telling me how to be a Dom again?” He asked.
“No. I’m telling you what I need and how I feel. If you can’t care for me properly, I cannot be a good submissive to you.”
He ended with, “I’m not discussing this any more.”
I finished putting my clothes on and I gathered everything of mine that I had left at his place over the past couple of months. All the time mumbling about how maybe one day there will be a “man” who will actually work through problems with me instead of shutting me down.
We had some brief words on my way out the door. I said something about never having been kicked out of someone’s house so quickly and he said, “You’re the one who put on all your clothes and your jacket and decided it was time to leave.”
“Yeah. What was I supposed to do after you told me you didn’t want to talk to me about this any more?”
I was home by 1:30AM New Years Day.
Happy Fucking New Year!!!
I turned a new leaf and grew some balls!!
I don’t usually take my Daily Tarot Reading seriously, but mine for New Years Eve was spot on:
Your romantic hopes might well be shattered today, and you may be forced to seriously consider a separation. The conjunction of the card of Death and the Star often indicates an emotional crisis, and it goes without saying that this could be making you feel very downbeat today. It’s difficult to give advice in these situations, but it’s no good swimming against the current or trying to convince someone to stay if they have already packed their case, dear Heather. Deep down, of course, you know that with time you’ll get over it. As for work, there may be a few changes in the way you approach this. You may be about to change jobs or colleagues, reorganize your schedule, transfer to another department, get promoted, absolutely anything is possible when Death is holding the reins! Luckily, the Empress will be there to guide you all day and she’ll help you handle these changes with detachment and skill.