Every time something ends with a guy, I want to run back.
Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to deal with feelings of loss.
Maybe it’s because I want to stay with what’s familiar.
Maybe it’s fear that I won’t be able to find something as good. I mean, the relationship has ended, but it was something. If that something wasn’t good, I probably wouldn’t have stuck around for as long as I did (or want to go back, for that matter).
Also, I have a tendency to try and fit the square peg in the round hole: I try to make it work with everyone who shows interest in me. Whether we are compatible or not: continually trying to fit myself into a place where I don’t actually belong.
I throw myself back at them after they leave me.
Before I married Doom-n-Gloom, he left me three times. All three times I went crying to him asking him to take me back.
Loserman was the same. Three fucking times he ignored me and ran away from me. Except with him, I never went back the third time. Except with him, there were all sorts of mini-ignorings in between the mega-ignorings.
I am still left with the questions:
- How do I make the feelings I have for someone just go away?
- How do I keep myself from going back to something I like?!
*I* was the one who left Alaska. I told him how I felt, but never gave him a chance to actually try to do what I asked. I just up and left him.
And I have feelings for him. I like him, and I don’t like starting over and over and over again with someone new.
He’s one of the few men who can actually handle me (in fact, I think the only one)! Even Doom-n-Gloom and Loserman could never, truly handle me. Both of them would withdraw when I had needs or got upset with them. Both of them would ignore me instead of dealing with an actual problem. Eventually it would go away – even though it always came back again later…
Alaska didn’t ignore me or hang up. He’s not the one who told me to leave. I left because I was uncomfortable. I left because the conversation wasn’t going how *I* wanted it to.
On New Years Eve, I ran away and ignored Alaska – just like Doom-n-Gloom and Loserman would always run away and ignore me…
The fact is, I want to try and see if maybe I am wrong about Alaska.