There is a reason why I post what I post; I’m sure you are perfectly aware of that… And there are times when I think I don’t want to tell all of you what I’ve done because of my shame.
Funny thing is, that shame doesn’t always deter me from making the choices I make, but sometimes it does affect what I decide to tell you.
I listen to your loving advice and then sometimes I just do the opposite – even though I know it’s against my better judgment.
I’m not even drunk when I make these stupid choices! If I was, well, that would be some kind of excuse, right? My inhibitions were lowered, my feelings were so strong I just had to, etc…
I publish posts about trusting intuition and not giving into temptation because I am trying to help myself learn how to be.
I even read a freaking book about how men’s brains work.
But I still have too many moments of weakness and continue to make bad choices.
Fortunately for me the Universe saved me once again (which is probably why I am even telling you about my stupidly bad choice).
Last Tuesday afternoon I made arrangements to spend the night with Alaska Sunday night. We’d been talking and he was being pretty freaking attentive, and I was getting horny and lonely – a fatal combination…
We talked and texted a couple more times after plans had been made.
Saturday I didn’t hear from him at all, but I was busy and I didn’t think anything of it.
Sunday morning I wished him “Good morning” via text and his response was to tell me that he had to call off our play date because he was going to drive to South Dakota with his brother for some football thing.
I had already packed my bag for the night and it was fair to say that I was excited about our rendezvous. When he told me that I couldn’t come over, my heart sank. Admittedly, I cried quite a bit. Not because he cancelled, but that he cancelled Sunday morning. It seemed so last minute. I convinced myself that he had known for a couple days already and didn’t bother to tell me he changed our plans until I hit him up. (I have no idea if that’s the truth or not, mind you)
He was so polite. I don’t know why I got so upset.
Sunday happened and I didn’t die. The Broncos won and I had a great time skating that evening!
Monday morning came and, again, I wasn’t dead. It was my first day at work with a new boss; things were still getting ironed out. I have an awesome ‘new’ car…
Then Alaska sent me a message and conversation ensued. I should have ignored him. Left him for dead as it were…
But I didn’t (surprise, surprise!)
He called me at 5:45 and we talked for a few minutes. He wanted me to come over then.
Firstly, not that it matters, but my feelings are kind of hurt. Even if we aren’t in a “relationship” and are just fuck-buddies, that shit sucked! It hurt!
Secondly, I was pretty grisly. I didn’t really try super hard to get ready for work that morning, I didn’t bring my make-up bag with me, my coochie is suffering from some major ingrown hairs since my Brazilian 2 weeks ago (never had this problem before…) AND I was crying all afternoon because my feelings were hurt not just the once, but twice; and in the same kinda afterthought-y kinda way.
Thirdly, I actually had plans to go have my ‘new’ car looked at. The check engine light came on and the place who sold it to me was going to take a look.
When Alaska asked what I had planned for the night and why I couldn’t come over, I chose to tell him part of “Secondly”, but left off “Firstly” and “Thirdly”.
He accepted my reasoning and told me he would check in on me later.
Surprisingly he did. We had a short text conversation Monday night before I went to bed.
I know what that quote says is true. So, why can’t I practice what it preaches?