It wasn’t long after I started messing around with Alaska that I had a painful realization about my “relationship” with my father.
I think it was at the end of the very first night he really spanked me hard and marked me.
As he was holding me in his arms and my ass was glowing red, I started to cry.
I couldn’t remember the last time my father touched me.
In fact, I struggled to remember if he ever had.
That’s probably when I started getting attached.
But Alaska wasn’t emotionally available.
I need someone who can fill in the empty space in my heart where a father should be.
I want to hear that He’s proud of me; I want to hear that I’m pretty; I want to be assured that I am adored.
Even more, I want to feel all of that, deep down inside of me. I want to feel it to the point of believing it!
So, rather than try to fill that chasm with one man – who I obviously cannot find – I have been taking different pieces of different men in my life and putting them together like pieces of a puzzle.
My skate crew fills most of that void quite nicely. Not all of them are men, but all of them are different and special.
Each one of them fits nicely into my complicated puzzle of affection.
Every time we get together, I try to hold each of them for as many of those 20 seconds as humanly possible.
But that’s as far as it will go with any of them…
(I kinda tried when I went on a couple of dates with Mr. R and we kissed a little. That didn’t work out, but didn’t mess anything up either *whew*)
…because I learned something very important from my relationship with Loserman:
Don’t Shit Where You Eat.
After he stopped talking to me, my semi-regular roller skating schedule became absolute chaos.
I didn’t know what rink he would be at. I wanted to avoid our “regular” rinks and times because our mutual friends were always asking: Where is Loserman? You haven’t skated together in a long time and you’re so good! I love watching you. When will he be back?
Even now, over a year later, people still ask me if we’re together or if we’re back together – because you should, you know. You guys were totally awesome! (Yeah. Don’t I fucking know…)
Anyway, that is why I keep my skate buddies as just that: buddies.
We flirt like hell and I have learned quite a bit from all of them (including a few things I needed to add to my list of Hard Limits. Ummm… Ever heard of a Dragon Punch?!).
They also help to validate me as a woman: taking care of me on trips, paying my way, opening doors for me, offering to carry my stuff, helping me up when I fall… They are all very chivalrous with me, but it’s more like I’m their sister.
We all feel the same way: no one wants to ruin something wonderful for a few moments of selfish pleasure. It would mess up the entire group!
It is for that reason I have decided to simply find myself a playmate.
Someone who doesn’t roller skate, or even want to.
Someone with his own needs and cravings that aren’t being met
but doesn’t need to talk to me every single morning and every single evening
because I have a life and friends and a relatively busy schedule.
Someone who doesn’t get jealous because of it
Someone kinky and perverted and creative and cruel.
Someone who will listen when I tell them it hurts and will stop when I say stop.
Someone who understands that hearts and feelings are still involved, even if we pretend it’s only play.
Someone who will keep me at my very edge
and help me explore my deepest, darkest, most hidden parts of myself
Someone who will tear me apart slowly, only to help build me back up later
better than I was before