Get Ready for Some Disappointment

Get Ready for Some Disappointment

ButWhenIDo

Monday morning was tough for me.

Fuck, every Monday sucks for me. It’s a horrible pattern I’ve created: roller skating myself into this insane adrenaline high over the weekend and not getting enough sleep…

Then, when I wake up on Monday morning, the endorphins are back to ‘normal’.

I’m crashing.

Along with this week’s crash, I was very upset with myself for all the feelings I’m having about my new “play partner” Mick.

So, to ground myself a little, I reached out to Alaska with a “Good morning and happy Monday. Are you busy this evening?”

(Last Wednesday we texted briefly. I sent him a Happy Hump Day note and he responded, “I’m tryin to hump you on hump day 😀 “. Then it got awkward… I’m not sure what I thought he would say, but I should have at least been prepared for that response. Duh!)

Again Monday, I did not expect the answer I received:

0315-Alaska

I really don’t know what I was thinking when I sent that! There was something little I wanted to ask him, but it was more likely that I wanted to level the playing field with Mick; maybe distance myself a little from him by reconnecting with someone who still holds pieces of me in their heart.

For the rest of the afternoon I kept hoping Alaska would text me and cancel. Mostly because that’s what he did last time (6 weeks ago now. Wow, time flies!), but also because I was kind of regretting making the “date” to begin with.

Well, he didn’t cancel and I went over to his place at 7 o’clock as planned.

The first few minutes were awkward. The last time I saw him, I was breaking up with him; then he cancelled our last hook-up “date” to fix his Dad’s car…

Part of me was excited to be there with him and the other parts were nervous and a little anxious. I told him as much.

As usual, his response was, “Really?”

“Yeah really, dork. Why else would I say that?”

We sat down, ate dinner together and talked.

Once things started to get more comfortable, Alaska asked me what was wrong, I seemed tense and stressed.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I blurted out, “Do you think I might be better off as a whore?”

Alaska stared blankly at me while I continued. “Men only want to fuck me like a toy. When I ‘make them wait’, I never hear from them again and if I fuck them all they want to do is fuck. No one actually wants to hang out and DO things with me! I like sex a whole lot and, if I can’t have a companion or partner, I figure WTF?! I hate my job… Why don’t I do something that I enjoy and make money at it too.”

“Smitten! Are you seriously asking me this?”

At this point I was full-on crying. “Men only want to fuck me. I even thought that’s all you wanted me for. I think I’m good enough at it that I would be able to make money doing it. I wanted to talk to you because you know about the lifestyle, you know me and you’ve also had every single piece of me. No one else has had all of me like you have. If anyone would know I’m good enough to sell my body, it would be you.”

“That’s such a special thing, Smitten. Every time I think about how much of yourself you shared with me, it brings a smile to my face. I am honored that you shared yourself with me. That’s why imagining you out there with the wolves is scary. I don’t think you realize what you’d be getting in to. I know you. Your sweet and gentle spirit would get so broken.” He shook his head at me, “You would get hurt and fucked up. It’s a really scary place to be.”

I sat sobbing next to him on his loveseat. “I know that world is scary. I don’t care any more about that. I don’t care if I get hurt. I don’t care about me. If I didn’t have my kids, we wouldn’t even be here having this conversation.”

“But you do have your daughters, Smitten. If it’s about money, we can get you back into the tea thing. I’ll help you build your business. You can go online and play with yourself and make money there. There are plenty of perverts who would be happy to pay just to look at your wet pussy. I’ll help you with that if you want me to. But I will not let you go out and prostitute yourself on the streets!” Then he patted his hands on his lap and said, “Come here, sweetheart.”

I did as I was told, more than happy to climb onto his lap and into his arms to be held by him again.

When I settled down enough to listen, he told me about all the bad things he’s seen his brothers do because their bitches didn’t come home with enough money or on time. He explained how badly the johns can treat a girl… I nodded because I understood and then told him I’m not as sweet an innocent as I seem.

“Oh yes you are, sweetheart.”

“Even if you’re there to help me?”

“Oh, baby… If you’d come to me twenty years ago and asked the same question, I would have turned you out in the streets immediately. But I know you and I care about you. I don’t want you to go down that path. You will get hurt.”

His brother called down from upstairs. He and their nephews were playing a new game and wanted Alaska to come check it out. He left for a couple of minutes, but not before making sure I was okay enough for him to leave. Even then he reassured me that he would be right back.

And he was.

When he came back, he joked about how, whenever he starts playing a new video game, he always has to start it on Novice/Beginner level because he can’t figure out the buttons on the joystick.

I have that same exact problem.

“Come here,” he said to me while he stood in the middle of his living room. I did as I was told and wrapped my arms around his waist. Then giggled a little because I had forgotten how tall he was and said something to that effect.

He folded his arms around me, pulled me closer and kissed me lightly on the forehead. “Promise me right here and now that you won’t go out and sell your body on the streets.”

I nodded against his chest.

He was more stern because he needed to repeat himself, “I want to hear you promise me you won’t do that, Smitten.”

“Yes, Sir. I promise I won’t. I promise.”

“Good girl.”

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8 thoughts on “Get Ready for Some Disappointment

  1. I know too many smart, sweet, hard working women who fall into this same pattern, Smitten. Some are close friends of mine. I think about my boyfriend in college and he was just so manipulative and mean and it still took years for me to get over him because he was also hilarious, smart, so charming and charismatic. He wasn’t considered “hot” by anyone’s standards (like Alaska) but I thought he was seriously the sexiest man alive back then. And he totally broke my heart.So I get it. This thing with Alaska.

    In reading single ladies’ (ha!) blogs over the past couple of years, I’ve been considering doing a series of interviews with single, female bloggers in each stage of a relationship. Mostly, about how smart women are attracted to and are emotionally tied to men who don’t see their worth. And then the struggle of overcoming. It’s really a strange and confusing phenomenon to think about how there’s this “something” about a guy that no matter how much your brain screams NO, your emotions and psyche refuse to listen which sets us up for more rejection and loss. It was difficult for me to experience and now even more difficult to watch. 😦
    Because, well….you do deserve better, Smitty. (sorry, been dying to use that nickname for awhile. Had to get it out.) FabLisa deserves better, Cinnamon deserves better, and on and on…..

    So no advice from me. Just rambling. You already know what folks wanna say anyway. I’ll just send good energy your way that one day you’ll get a glimpse of your true value and worth and then you won’t even notice the Alaskas (and Zachs) of the world. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    1. I love your comment(s), Cheeky!! ❤ And your cute nickname for me!

      In Alaska's case my brain isn't even screaming "NO!", it's trying to figure him out. I think I'm trying to see if he is really that mean manipulator or if it’s his internal struggles that cause him to behave the way he does. I’ve been manipulated by men who did it so naturally they didn’t even know they were doing it. Enough to feel deep down inside that Alaska isn’t doing that, either consciously or un-. He’s had a very difficult life (tomorrow’s post) and I think some of that is the reason why he treats me the way he does – simply because he’s emotionally stunted in certain ways. **Also, I know this is part of the deal where I defend him and make excuses for his behavior…**

      Yeah. I know there will be a lot of folks who want to slap me up side the head. Thank you for being so kind!

      1. Ok. I have some thoughts coming from the outside looking in. But again, I’m on the outside. I would just like to encourage you to go back and read all the posts you’ve written about Alaska and then the comments made by fellow bloggers in response to those posts. Other outside perspectives can carry insight, especially when we know that the people who offer perspectives have nothing to gain or lose by giving them. If that made sense. Lol.
        Also, yeah. I’m not against prostitution but you’re probably not cut out for it. I guess how you perceive yourself is what’s more concerning. . .
        I like the idea of dating others to maintain some kind of boundary with Mick. Sigh.

        1. I do go back and read those posts. I was reading them every time I wanted to call him… Also the comments hit home, especially Ann’s and Cinn’s.

          1. sorry, hit reply too soon. (my cat did). its good to have the wisdom of friends through the blog world, isn’t it? you’ll do the right thing. 🙂 🙂 Cinn is my kindred spirit so I know her words come from the heart and she’d never steer you wrong. 🙂 *hugs

  2. I understand why you reached out to Alaska….it’s something I would do too…can’t put my finger on exactly why but I feel like it’s got to do with just wanting to be kept busy, feel wanted, and fill some void. That said, I still don’t feel that Alaska is good for you. You DO deserve much better and you will find him some day but you need to be picky and expect more for yourself. Hang in there…..and NO prostitution!

    1. You’re right, Sassy! I also wanted to be with him because (first off) he’s single, he likes me and I did partly want to put some distance between myself and Mick.

      It’s funny because I keep trying to put my finger on why I am so drawn to Alaska. It probably has something to do with my co-dependence, his terrible childhood and mostly the fact that he was the first man to ‘OWN’ my body. And he owned it completely, even if it was for a very short time. Both he and I hold a special piece of the other very close to our hearts. That’s a tough bond to break.

      Thank you so much for being so understanding!! ❤

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