Opening Up

Opening Up

quotes-about-missing-you

I unloaded a lot on Alaska Monday night and he didn’t back down from any of it.

He let me cry and didn’t try to stop me. He let me tell him how frustrated I was. I even got a chance to tell him that I didn’t always like the way he treated me and that, for a brief while, I never wanted to see another dick because of how *he* face-fucked me.

After all of that, he took me into his lap, wrapped me in his arms and let me cry until I was done.

He told me how special I am and how truly honored he feels that I let him have so many of my “firsts”.

He took my face in his hands and made me look him in the eye as he thanked me for my submission.

I told him how hard it’s been to get over him. Every time I think I’m close, he sends me another text.

His message on Valentine’s Day was the worst. I had almost forgotten him.

That made him laugh. Then he said, “It’s even harder to forget you, sweetheart. The electric blanket you gave me for Christmas keeps me warm every single night.”

The plastic we hung up over his windows on Thanksgiving is still up…

It felt good to be there with him again.

His television was on fucking CNN like always, but I realized that I actually liked that part of being with him – talking about politics and current events, asking questions, discussing things…

It felt like I belonged there.

Maybe up until now, all I’ve shared with you is his ugliness. Maybe if you knew more about his life before moving to Denver, you might be able to understand his actions and treatment of me.

There were plenty of special and priceless times with him. I met almost his entire fucking family, for goodness sakes!! And there were emotional times when he shared intimate parts of himself and let himself be vulnerable with me. I wasn’t the only one who ‘exposed’ myself during our time together…

Alaska has two older brothers, an older sister and a younger brother. He currently rents out his youngest brother’s basement apartment. One of his older brothers and his sister live here in Denver and so do his mother and father. His oldest brother is still up in Alaska. He is still a drug dealer and a pimp. Everyone else has cleaned themselves up and tried to move on from their past.

Alaska’s 3 older siblings have a different father.

Neither one of the fathers were around to help raise their children (but now Alaska’s father and his mother have reconciled, are married and ‘happily’ living together). So, their mother had to work multiple jobs to make ends meet. His older sister raised Alaska and his little brother.

When he was old enough, his two older brothers had him running drugs for them.

When he was big enough, they had him ‘take care of’ their whores.

The whole time his mother resented Alaska for being like his brothers and she punished him regularly; they weren’t the ‘fun’ kind of beatings either.

His brothers also beat him when he did shit wrong or something went missing, a girl didn’t come home, etc…

His sister also beat him because she was resentful she had to take care of him all the time…

Alaska’s older brothers were his role models for a very long time, but also he knew that he never wanted his little brother to be a part of that lifestyle. So he would take the blame on himself in order that his little brother wouldn’t be beaten up all the time, too.

He watched women being treated like dirt and scum his entire childhood. For some of it, he was also abusive to women. Not that his story makes things forgivable, but I think it does become more understandable why he may have taken things a little too far at times.

There might be things about him that are odd or ‘undesirable’, but I wonder how much of that behavior is a product of his childhood.

Maybe it seems like I am defending him too much or trying to find some kind of justification for still wanting to be with him.

Maybe I am too forgiving of him for the scene he took too far.

But the plain and simple fact is: he didn’t have a “normal” childhood. (What is normal? Yeah, I know…)

I can’t possibly imagine what he sees behind his eyelids when he goes to sleep at night or what demons he struggles with every day

Somewhere in his story, there’s probably a really good reason why he doesn’t like kissing. But, for me, he overcomes that.

Monday night, while I was on his lap and in his arms, he kissed me over and over again with his huge, luscious lips.. He kissed my lips, my forehead, my cheeks…

He held me softly in his arms and soothed me, told me how special I was to him, thanked me for sharing myself completely…

When he made love to me, his entire body trembled.

When we climaxed together it was amazing and powerful and satisfying.

Then I swooned over him for two days.

Wednesday afternoon I emailed him information on a real estate seminar to help agents acquire more listings.

He called shortly after that and asked me to sign him and his little brother up and, after that, talked on the phone for almost an hour.

We discussed building my Total Life Changes tea business and the tools out there to help me get started.

We discussed how he and his ex used to fool around on camera and put it out there on the internet. He said they made a nice amount of side cash…

After we hung up, I was excited so I watched a couple of the training videos and got a couple of ideas.

I blew him a text kiss yesterday morning and told him to have fun at his seminar class thingie…

Expect

I can’t help but feel like I disappointed him. Thursday nights used to be our nights together, but the past two (and now last night) have been with Mick…

It’s a good thing I can’t hook up with Alaska again so soon after the last time.

At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Right?!

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2 thoughts on “Opening Up

  1. I feel for his childhood… his backstory…. but honestly, it changes nothing for me. Because the fact of the matter is that many of us have shit lives. Shit stories. And we don’t grow up to be assholes who treat others abusively. Sorry but he is grown. It’s time to own it now and get help if that’s what he needs.

    He isn’t dominant. He is abusive.

    What I care about is you. When YOU will finally see the truth and that is that you are worth so much better. So much more.

    1. Cinn, I respect your opinion greatly! Thank you for commenting and *many* thanks for sharing my original “bad scene” with Alaska. He does own his childhood and all of its fuckedup-edness. He’s never used it as an excuse. I was simply telling his story here. You are correct in stating he isn’t a Dominant, but he is *not* abusive.

      I have read a couple of personality books written by psychologists than would suggest Alaska’s past *does* in fact taint and affect his relationships with people and how he deals with things (read The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog).

      I’m pretty sure I know my worth, but I also know my age and am also realistic. At this point in my life, I am *not* going to find my Prince Charming. Those are all taken and will continue to be, because that’s who they are.

      Much love right back to you, Cinn! ❤ Your concern is well noted, I promise!

Talk to me :-)

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