It’s been a little over a week since Mick had his flashback.
We have since spent another Thursday night, Friday evening and Sunday afternoon together – with and without kink and completely without incident.
Thursday night was special to me because Mick accidentally let me see a part of his inner self. But after that, *he* was having issues with letting his guard down too much with me and *I* was having issues with liking him too much.
Spending Friday night with Alaska was supposed to help put some distance between Mick and me. Instead, it put more distance between Alaska and me (which is what needed to happen anyway).
By the time Sunday afternoon came along, and I was supposed to talk about “feelings” with Mick, I kind of just wanted to jump in and get it over with.
Something seemed “off” from the minute he picked me up – with both of us. We kissed, but we were both reserved. As we drove to get coffee, it seemed a little uncomfortable. We were avoiding the elephant in the room – the one we had agreed needed to be addressed.
When we arrived at Starbucks, he pulled his giant truck into a spot next to a snowbank and ended up smashing into a tiny car in the spot next to it. At first, Mick thought everything was okay and he simply hit the snowbank funny. But I told him that I saw the car actually move and there was a dent down the side.
How very humbling for him, but he handled it graciously. Mick checked the damage and then went into the store and found the car’s owner. They exchanged words and information. It was all very amicable.
We had coffee and brief conversation at Starbucks and then agreed we needed to find somewhere more private to have our talk.
He drove us to a fairly large park a few blocks away. It was a relatively nice day so we rolled down the windows. I climbed over to his side, curled up in his arms and we began to talk.
At first we discussed his “episode”, what caused it and how the only thing he could think at the time was that he had killed me!
Then we got deeper into what was truly bothering both of us: feelings.
Mostly mine because I am the single one.
We talked about “us” and I sobbed a lot. I couldn’t tell if my tears were mine or his this time. All I knew was that, yet again, I could almost have what I wanted.
He held me in his arms and reassured me that he’s felt this way about no one else before.
But words are only words and I explained that to him.
I explained that it isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to his girlfriend and it isn’t fair to our relationship.
It isn’t fair that we have to sneak around whenever we are together.
It isn’t fair that I am taking time away from his girlfriend. Time that Mick should be spending with her.
It isn’t fair because my heart is on hold for him when I could be finding someone who can actually devote himself to “us”.
We can’t go to regular places and events together because he could be discovered.
I told him over and over again that, when I set out on this “adventure”, I was looking for a partner and companion, a Master and lover; someone who could be as much mine as I was his.
It breaks my heart because with Mick I can’t have that.
I told him that I want to try and have a relationship with him, but we can’t grow anything healthy while we’re still sneaking around and he’s lying about me.
I told him that I couldn’t ask him to leave his current “partner”. If he’s unhappy with what he has, he needs to make that change independent of me and not FOR me.
I told him that I thought it was best to end what we had started before we got any more attached to each other.
Before things get even tougher to break off.
As I laid in his arms crying, he humbly asked me for my time.
“My beautiful kitten, you mean more to me already than I ever could have imagined. In such a short time, you have seen parts of me I never wished to share with anyone. I can’t imagine you disappearing out of my life. I have never wanted to own anyone and I need to own you. I can’t explain it, but want to know and love and own every single bit of you. I want to take care of you and continue to treat you like you’ve never known. Could you give me 6 months? Please? If I can’t get my shit together in 6 months you can leave and wash your hands of me.”
I smirked. “It’s not that simple, Mick. You’re smart. You know that the more time we spend getting to know each other, the harder it will be for me to say goodbye when the time comes… The harder it will be for the both of us.”
Needless to say, we talked more and I agreed to his 6 months: