Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Emotional vs Physical Intimacy: Interchangeable or Interdependent?

on April 14, 2016


One thing I noticed recently about my relationship with Mick is I don’t feel a compulsive need to be having sex with him all of the time we are together. In fact, my actual sexual libido is almost non-existent. I’m rarely horny any more. That could be because (when we’re together) he is touching me almost all the time and (when we’re apart) he never leaves me wondering if he actually likes me or not! We are honest and forthcoming with each other and communicate very regularly about uncomfortable things: his girlfriend and living arrangements, his tax situation (most recently), the fact that I will probably be roommates with Things #1 and #2 for quite some time yet… I expect we will continue to be transparent with each other, because that is our foundation.

With TC it was a little the same and a little different because he lives in Houston and I live in Denver. Even though we were doing the long distance thing, when he was engaging with me and being attentive I didn’t really feel like going outside of what we had to find something more physical. However, the few times we were together in real life it was a complete and total fuckfest. What killed us in the end was, even though he knew that I had a blog, he hadn’t actually read most of the content. He was appalled when he found my Other “Other” Men page. From there everything went downhill fast.

Conversely, with Loserman, whenever we were alone in a room together, I always felt that we had missed out on something if we weren’t fucking like bunnies the entire time – or at least most of it. That actually bothered him and he brought it up with me a couple of times. I always told him it was because I wanted to be so close to him and share everything. But now that I think about it, I was probably supplementing the emotional intimacy (that I was never going to get from him) with the physical intimacy. He was too blocked off and broken from past relationships and was unable to forgive those women and move on. He held me responsible for their mistakes and injustices towards him. Ultimately that is what killed our relationship.

Alaska was a little bit in between. I enjoyed talking to him (especially when he was wearing the glasses we went and picked out together) and I felt like I missed out on something when we didn’t spend part of the night talking about semi-intellectual things: politics, religion, philosophy, psych- and soci-ology. That is something that I miss quite a bit. We had emotional intimacy at times, but only the times when we were alone. And he was my first Master/Daddy/Sir. There are parts of me that no one had before he did… Things I was reluctant to share in the past, but I gave freely to him. It’s hard not to want to go back. However, he is somewhat of a dichotomy – with so much of all the things I was wanting, yet so much more that I wasn’t.

Last but not least, there’s Doom-n-Gloom (well, maybe least, but I’ve spent more time with him than with anyone so I should probably talk about him a bit). In fact, he was a good partner to me for quite some time – but “good” in this case is completely relative. We were self-destructive together; equal in our own distaste for our selves.

Because of him I got into meth, developed a seizure disorder and eventually needed to have almost all my teeth removed. I am not blaming him. *I* made those choices! I’m just not entirely sure I would have made those same choices with a different person, or if those choices would have been equally as self-destructive.

DnG and I never had emotional or physical intimacy. However, we got along well and agreed on all of the important issues (religion, politics, children… and *drugs* obviously…). When I married him, I hadn’t been in an actual relationship long enough to know what I should need or want and I was afraid (LOL! at such a young age) that I would never be able to find someone who wanted me.

I settled.

And, my parents hated the hell out of him! That was icing on my proverbial cake!

Pride and pity are what kept me in my marriage for so long.

Not intimacy.

8 responses to “Emotional vs Physical Intimacy: Interchangeable or Interdependent?

  1. I Like Physical “Emotional vs Physical Intimacy: Interchangeable or Interdependent?”

  2. augustmacgregor says:

    I agree that intimacy includes much more than sex. There’s a power in touch. I think that’s especially true with supporting a loved one who is hurting. Also, there’s the wonder of experiencing something together because you deeply want that person next to you.

  3. loneyheart says:

    Great read. In my first marriage there was limited contact physically and emotionally. Then i went through the fuck fest but there was almost no emotional or mental exchange. Now i am with my King and the physical contact is abundant. He never misses an opportunity to hold my hand or to touch me in some way, and i him. We still have frequent and amazing sex but the crazy. must have it now craving is gone. We both know that the other is there, is going to be there, and will never turn you down if you want the physical. There is comfort and balance. We also share that FULL HONESTY it is the cornerstone of our relationship. We agreed to it from the beginning and hold fast to it.
    I guess these are the hallmarks of my first real grown up, adult relationship. It only took me 40 plus years to find it and myself.
    Good luck in your journey

    • smitten says:

      Thank you for saying all of that. It’s taken me 40+ years as well and I’m still not there. Each relationship has taught me more about what I want and need. I agree that full honesty is most important. It’s tough to find a person who says it and also does it! I am so happy for both of you!

  4. Agreed that intimacy has so many facets. But I still find when I am intimate with someone I want the sex!

    • smitten says:

      I know it’s been a while since you said this, and I would have thought the same of myself until just recently. I don’t think I realized how much of the emotional intimacy I was actually missing until I had an abundance of it. Now my sex drive is less. I’m not having sex with him like we’re bunnies, yet I don’t feel like “stepping out” as I have with others… We’re new, though.

      I’m still trying to work it out, but I’m glad you said that!

Talk to me :-)

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: