Late Wednesday evening last week, Mick said something in an email that set me off. I don’t even know what it was that got me.
Maybe I was looking for an excuse to be angry with him or pick a fight… I don’t honestly know… Any enlightenment you can offer on the subject will be welcomed.
Hi baby doll,
I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. As always. Whether I am wailing on you or stroking you or just talking, I really like to be with you.
There are so many things that I want to know about you. I am not sure if you are ready to tell me yet. I know you are trying to not get too attached. I get that. There are things about me that I am not sure you want to know either. I have been having some random thoughts today and wanted to write some of them down. Your question at lunch yesterday was interesting how you posed it. [I asked if he was going to be able to keep up with me.] I am concerned about the age difference because it is more than I have been apart from anyone I have been with. I have not exactly been easy on my body through the years and I am concerned that I may not be able to keep you happy in a few years. Not just sexually, but in all aspects. I know that you have already made some “sacrifice” to be with me now. I don’t want you to have to keep making them for me. I want to make you happy for many, many years. I am pretty sure you are deserving of that. I am starting to think of my own mortality and don’t want people to sacrifice for me. I have lived most of my life believing that I need to sacrifice for others to try and repay for my past. I am in somewhat of a quandary and don’t know what to do. Let’s talk about this soon. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just know that this is on my mind a lot, just as I think about how you make me feel is on my mind a lot.
Hope you had a good skate tonight. I want to come watch you sometime, but not sure if I should. I am doing my best to respect your position of not getting too attached.
Just kind of rambling now. Sleep well my sweet kitten and I will see you in dreamland.
Immediately afterwards he sent another brief note:
I thought about that email after I sent it. Don’t take that too heavy or serious tonight. I should have saved that till we had been having a conversation rather than send that blind just before bed. I’m sorry babe.
Maybe it was that second email instructing me not to take it serious that made me take it so seriously. Regardless, I immediately became my fatalistic self and started to ‘panic’ in my own unique way.
First, I responded to his second email – the one that told me not to worry.
That’s not fair for you to throw that at me and then ask me not to take it too seriously. Too late…
Good night. Sweet dreams.
Then I responded to the ‘serious’ one.
I have already figured that I don’t get to keep you past the end of September. I can’t expect you to give up all you’ve accumulated for me. Plus you’re going to be National Commander… It’s lofty for me to think I could fit into your life for longer than a short summer. I am just a little girl.
Every day I stop myself from thinking about what our future together could be like because I know we don’t have one. I want to learn so many things from you. I want to make you so proud…
Honestly I don’t even know why I continue to torture the two of us by letting this continue. I should have stuck to my guns every single time, but I caved… Every. Single. Time. There have been a few times over the past couple of weeks that I held myself back from sabotaging “us” because I was trying to delude myself “we” could actually be something… That you could actually be mine. I didn’t want to ruin any potential we might have had. I didn’t want to hurt you or break our contract and, like I said, I was delusional… Like a naïve little girl.
Now I just want to lash out and say very hurtful things to you. I want to hurt you so you know I am NOT awesome or amazing or anything good that you think of me. I want to keep myself separate from you because I know you will be gone from me soon anyway. Why fucking try or bother…
At this moment I feel like I’m flailing around trying to protect myself from something unknown but inevitable and very scary.
Good night. Sleep well.
He answered and said something about my “high horse”.
I am not trying to sabotage us. I want to find out if we can truly make it. What has been bothering me is all that is sort of on hold until I figure out what to do here.
Those ramblings are trying to figure out how to make it work. So don’t be getting on your high horse. We are both rather scared so don’t run off.
After that he sent three more emails, but (for some reason I still can’t fathom) I was really hurting inside and chose to ignore them and try to fall asleep. So, I did just that for the rest of the night. (It wasn’t much of a problem, I had been sick with the hella-flu for the whole week prior and hadn’t been sleeping well. I took my temperature that night and it was 102.9 after skating. Anything else I would have said would probably have been delusional and even more hurtful.)
11:39PM – I rather like you a lot or I would not have asked you to give me some time. There are things about you that keep me attracted to you and I would like to keep that going. I am worried that I might not be enough for you.
1:08AM – Not much dreaming going on. I am not sleeping because I know you are upset. I am not sure why that upset you so much. We are based on communication. That was just that. Sometimes a little verbal “puke” is good. Those were things that I have to think about. It’s not just about me. I have to think about you too.
Gawd, I am such a B-I-T-C-H!!
Thursday morning at 2:24 AM he finally understood what I think I was trying to say:
To my sweet little girl
I am sorry my dear. I completely missed something you said in your reply. You are “just a little girl”. You are more than “just a little girl”, you are MY little girl. I am here to protect you. That is what I am trying to do is be able to keep and protect you. So let Daddy take care of you. I want to be a Daddy like you have never known. You can go places with me that you have not dreamed of. So let go and help me find the way to make this happen.
There is much more at stake than just some stuff. I am not worried about losing whatever I have. It is only stuff. I can replace it. I am having feelings that I haven’t felt in many years and would gladly let the stuff go to keep the feelings. Wouldn’t you like to keep the good feelings?
Do you remember the little saying that you sent me? It said that someone will offer you a universe when all you wanted was a planet. We are both faced with that situation. Let’s take a saying from Star Trek, “to boldly go where no one has gone before”.
I am sorry that I got so wrapped up in the big picture that I forgot to take care of my little girl. My focus has been on the lover and submissive part of our relationship. I have not signed an email to you prior to this because I didn’t know what to put. Now I do.
I replied when I woke up.
Thank you. I don’t know how to respond. Last night you were telling me that we can’t be. And now you’re telling me to let you take care of me.
I’m sorry for what I said last night and I am afraid of what to say now. I’m even more sorry that I caused you to be upset and miss out on sleep!
Like you said last night about sacrifice and how you don’t want people to make it for you…? Yeah, well I don’t want you to have to give up *any*thing for me. I don’t want you to have to choose between your stuff OR Me. You say that it’s no big deal now and that it’s just stuff, but I worry you will resent me for making you give up your stability and comfort.
You have a stable and solid future with the GF. I am sure that is part of the reason you chose her. I can’t give you stability. With me there will be too many challenges and it will be emotionally draining – exhausting even. You have to worry about hurting my feelings and you will be losing your ability to be free and mess around…
Last night I think I got so upset because I don’t want to be reminded of our expiration date. I am constantly trying to push that reminder into the back of my mind – even though I’m the one who forced it. It makes me sad to be reminded, even though it’s good to get slapped back into reality now and again. Thank you.
… … …
My ramblings were never that we can’t be. It was about whether you would be happy. I am thinking about both of us, not just selfishly myself. I think you should talk to me before work. There seems to be something that I need to straighten you out on.
We spoke on the phone a long time that morning and he insisted we meet over my lunch break. We were going to be spending the night together, but I don’t think he wanted to wait all day for resolution.
I’m not entirely sure we got one.
He thinks that I am not looking towards a future for “us”.
I explained that I can’t look towards a future for “us” because he is currently living with someone else. And has been doing so for long enough that they could, by law, be considered married. Which means that he has to go through a fucking divorce. I don’t think, even after I’ve told him twice, he can wrap his brain around that.
He is in limerence.
In all of this, I can’t figure out what the fuck **I** am doing?!?!?! Am I sticking with this 6 month thing because I want to see if we can work? If we really do like each other? My life has calmed quite a bit since we made our agreement…
Is it because deep-down I know that, when the 6 months are up, I will be back ‘alone’ so I don’t want to get too attached?
Am I even looking for someone to commit to me? I mean, here’s the first person who is sincerely thinking about giving up everything to commit to ME. His kitten, his baby doll, his little girl…
And I can’t seem to be able fall for him all head-over-heels like he is for me.