Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Maybe Submission Isn’t For Me (aka The Note I Didn’t Send)

on May 9, 2016

Wild Submission~ submission photo WS3_zpsfe6495a3.jpg

I think part of my issue with my submitting to you 100% is that I don’t really know my place. It’s hard for me to define myself as your little girl (or you as my Daddy) because, no matter what, for right now I am only the temporary ‘side bitch’. The thought is preventative and defeatist, I know, but I can’t get it out of my head. I am so lost and confused in my feelings about ‘us’. Right now I am supposed to be yours as your kitten/toy/doll/little girl, but I don’t really know what that means or entails. We’ve established boundaries, but not enough for me to establish a definite ‘role’. We are just starting to touch on which behaviors of mine are acceptable to you and which are not. When do I call you Sir or [Mick] or Daddy? Or are they interchangeable? Also something to think on, I don’t know why but I am having a tough time with calling you “Daddy”. It has slipped out in the past, before you defined yourself as such, now I find myself resistant to it. I am so fucked up…

I am at a point in my life where I am trying to make good choices for myself and to stop being so self-destructive in what I decide. With you I am torn. I love the way you treat me and the way I feel when we’re together, but you always go home to someone else. As special as I feel when I’m with you, it cannot override the fact that, when you’re done with me, you go home to her. I don’t know how to get past that. Maybe I am hanging myself up on that as an excuse not to get too attached. It all boils down to the fact that it would be much easier for you to say “Goodbye” to me. I have nothing of yours, I have nothing to offer you – only my self and I’m not sure you’d be getting a very good deal with that. You’d be better off keeping the house and motorcycle and all that stuff – they can’t hurt you. And I’ll bet that starting all over yet again isn’t something at the top of your priority list.

I know it isn’t my place to think for you or to put thoughts in your head. I hate when people do that to me. These are only my theories and thoughts…

7 responses to “Maybe Submission Isn’t For Me (aka The Note I Didn’t Send)

  1. Janelle says:

    Maybe submission isn’t for you in the situation you’re in with Mick, i.e., being the side chick. As for him restarting at this point in his life, is he doing so because it needs to be done for his long-term contentment with or without you in the picture? It would make me nervous if he framed the change in any way, shape, or form because he has met you, because it seems like it shifts responsibility for his long-term contentment onto you. And you are willing to accept that risk, and the consequences if things do not or cannot work between you for the longer haul. I understand things are great now when you are together, but it’s still new, you’re only together one or two nights per week. That seems a bit of a tenuous basis to make the sort of life and lifestyle shift Mick is contemplating right now.

    • smitten says:

      Things aren’t always “great now when we’re together” as you stated (hence this post). We have had quite a few issues and tough conversations – probably more than your average couple because of our situation.

      I agree with you in that he needs to make the change for him and not me and we have talked several times about it. We will most likely address is again in the future.

      Thank you, Janelle 🙂

      • Janelle says:

        Smitten, it was a broad generalization because of your statement that you feel special when together, which I think is super important. My concern for you is simply not that you’re doing something “wrong” in your behaviors and feelings so much as the situation is not a correct fit (right now) for your needs. In the years I have been reading your blog I see a pattern of you putting aside your in favor of all the man you are with or want to be with.

        Relationships are also not always a one-to-one transactional process – he buys dinner, you get the movie; he leaves his girlfriend, you move into an apartment without Doom-and-Gloom. Sometimes one side gives more in ways that do not quantify as easily as dollars and cents or time and materials. My hope is that you do not shortchange yourself and give away all you have to share with someone special for in hopes of being treated well and cared for in the minimum standard requirements.

        • smitten says:

          You are so very right, Janelle. I like when you comment because it gives me a lot to think about (and a lot to kick myself about). Thank you for providing your objectivity 🙂

          I get what you’re saying about a one-on-one transactional basis. I understand it isn’t like that in relationships – and it helps me put my obsessive need for fairness away for a while.

          This weekend he worked on my car and did $800 worth of work for free (I bought the parts). And there’s more that needs to be done. There is nothing I can do to ‘even that score’ and I have to be happy with that. And I am. I am happy with the fact we had a great time spending the afternoon together even after having a very difficult conversation to start things off.

          All I can do to ‘return that favor’ is make sure that I actually learn something from being with him and having the tough conversations we had and continue to have. That’s what he wants.

          Hopefully that makes some sense. I feel like I’m babbling.

          • Janelle says:

            Nope, makes perfect sense. From what you have written, I believe Mick has a lot to share with and to teach you. He seems to care for you in a courteous and respectful manner, yet it’s hard to determine whether this is a consistency you can count on or merely a symptom of being a side chick for now. That’s something that will only come with time and as his life outside the relationship with you is sorted. Patience is not an easy trait for me either.

            I understand the obsessive need for fairness, as I am similar in that way. But try to think of it this way – Mick is a grown man who perhaps wants the opportunity to spend time with you wrenching on your car. It could be a hobby he enjoys and something he is doing to simplify your life. In my experience, friends do this for friends, too.

          • smitten says:

            When I thanked him and told him how grateful I was, he said “I got to spend the day with you and I like doing this.”

            You’re exactly right about all of it. I just have to wait and see. Right now we are both trying to learn the other to see if it would even work out. And both of us are admittedly scared! Which makes it even harder.

Talk to me :-)

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