Scattered

whatever the fuck that means… It seemed fitting.

I haven’t been talking about Mick much on here because a ton of things have been happening in a very short time. I don’t know what I want to share and what I don’t.

We’ve spent one night a week together every single week since things got started with us at the end of February, nearly every single Sunday afternoon, a couple of Friday evenings, and we also meet most Tuesdays for ‘lunch’. Sex is only involved on the night we spend together. Tuesdays there is a lot of kissing and touching, sometimes he puts his hands around my neck… Fridays we just hang out somewhere cool, and Sundays seem to be our “talking day” with some kissing and touching and, once, sex.

We made our 6-month agreement on a Sunday and have been discussing our “relationship” pretty much every Sunday since then. Every conversation is a productive one, whether good or bad. He thinks all of them have been good; I think most of them have been productive but they have left me feeling like shit more often than not.

One night we spent together about a month ago, we tried an “experiment” with my pain tolerance, endorphins and adrenaline. It nearly broke me and he had to spend the better part of 3 days trying to “fix” me. We spent an entire Sunday afternoon discussing that and I am not entirely sure that I have fully recovered from it yet. (It’s most of the reason why I don’t think I have what it takes to be a true submissive.)

A week and a half ago, on a Sunday, we discussed a couple of flippant statements he made to me that really hurt. The most hurtful of which had been, “The world doesn’t revolve around you, smitten.” The other was just an odd comment he made about something I said – he insulted me the way he insults his girlfriend while talking to me about her. Both made me feel very, very small and totally yucky inside.

My father used to tell me that the world doesn’t revolve around me all the time in situations where I was trying to relate to what was going on. When I was young I didn’t feel the comments were ever relevant when he said them, but I would have gotten in trouble for back-talking. I still feel like absolute crap when people say those words to me because my fucking world really DOES revolve around me just as every one else’s revolves around them. The fact is, each person only knows their reality, not anyone else’s. So, yes MY fucking world does revolve around me, just as yours revolves around you!

When we got done talking about it (and some other things – like how rude it is when I interrupt him while he’s telling a story), I actually felt better about our relationship than I had since it’s inception and went into my Monday morning last week with a glow and a wonderful attitude about “us”. But as the week progressed, for whatever reason, the glow faded and by Wednesday I was back to feeling the same funky way.

Thursday evening last week with him went okay, but mostly only okay. It felt more uncomfortable than in the past. I felt guarded every time I said something, but I don’t think that feeling was mutual. I hardly spoke over dinner because I was afraid of interrupting him and frustrating him again like I had the prior week. I mean, we had already talked about it and I didn’t want or need to disappoint him.

Mick tells very long-winded stories. Sometimes they are so long I forget why he started telling me the story, what the story’s about, or I actually think of something in my life that’s relevant to what he’s saying (and I want to fucking share it with him). So I interject interrupt, trying to be a part of what I thought was a “conversation”.

That’s the way I communicate with my closest friends and my daughters. We talk and bounce off each other, volleying thoughts, stories and ideas… I thought that was how conversation worked…

Anyway, with Mick I guess it doesn’t work like that. I need to wait until he’s done with his entire story before I say anything. The only problem with that is: I fucking forget what I wanted to tell him and have nothing to say when he’s finally done talking!

I had been thinking about it and internalizing it for a week, so I was pretty upset and acting kinda fucked up (crabby) when we saw each other this past Sunday… Also, almost right away, I got mad at him when he treated a customer service person like crap. He was a total asshole to her and, because I worked in the service industry for almost 15 years, it offended me greatly.

When I mentioned it to him, he got upset with me. We talked about it for a second and then stopped. Silence overtook us like heavy fog.

He had picked me up so we could go fishing for the day. It was supposed to be nice and he likes spending time with me, but when we got to the lake I was still angry about how he had treated that customer service lady and couldn’t just ignore it – if he finds that an acceptable way to treat people, I wasn’t going to be able to continue on with him any more.

I explained why I felt that way to him. That, when you treat someone like shit, it sticks with them for longer than just a minute or two. That girl was still probably wondering what the fuck she did that was so wrong to piss him off so much, when all she was doing was trying to answer the fucking question he asked.

He stated that he hadn’t realized that he was rude to her and would make sure to watch for if/when he does it again.

The “conversation” moved on. We talked about how I communicate with my close friends and family when I think we’re having a “conversation” AND the fact that I can’t even fucking remember what I wanted to say by the time he finishes talking. He sees it as interrupting and I see it as communicating.

I told him how shitty I constantly feel for being a party to hurting his girlfriend (waiting the entire time for him to tell me once again that the world does not revolve around smitten). I mentioned that I thought maybe, because of our situation, we should keep our meetings to only one night a week and slow down the chatter in-between.

Maybe we should go back to what we originally set out to do:

play

He didn’t like that idea at all and the topic was completely avoided.

This entire time I have been internally conflicted and I don’t think he’s hearing that. I don’t think he wants to hear that.

On my side of things, my time with him has become more tense and guarded. I spend too much time crying and trying to figure things out and being angry with myself for potentially hurting some unknown stranger.

He even made a comment about how we’re not writing long emails and I seem more quiet during our conversations.

Yesterday morning I started thinking about therapy and how that works – things get worse before they get better because old feelings that have been shoved in the background need to be addressed and dealt with. Those wounds become exposed and raw again and right now, all I want to do is go run and hide; try to find a comfortable place and stay there.

Because, at the moment, Mick does not feel like my comfortable place.

 

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