Last week I was having a huge struggle with my feelings about Mick.
After my first weekend with Dreamboat, my mother came into town for a couple of days for Thing #2’s graduation. My ex-in-laws were also in town as well as one of the girls’ cousins.
Dreamboat didn’t need much attention. He works 3rd shift and knew my family was in town so we spoke briefly on the phone a couple of times and texted a couple of times, nothing big. I paid an equal amount of attention to Mick.
Unfortunately Mick didn’t think it was enough. Last Monday afternoon he had a tooth removed and he spent the next two days in excruciating pain. I know how that feels and had spent the week prior commiserating with him about toothaches. When I wasn’t around to do that, he got upset. And, because he was deliriously in pain, he was telling himself stories that I was leaving him.
I had lunch with Mick Monday afternoon. I wanted to spend some time with him before everything started to get crazy.
After that, Mom got into town Monday night. I spent Tuesday with mom and daughters. Thing #2’s graduation was Wednesday afternoon. Mom’s flight out was Wednesday night.
It was fast and over in the blink of an eye.
At least it was for me.
I had no idea anything was wrong or that Mick had been telling himself stories this whole time. So, Thursday night before bed I sent him this:
Good night, sweet man!
Today was a long day. I spent forever in the car at the end of it. Taking Mom to the airport from Boulder during rush hour and then back home again. It took over 2.5 hours! Traffic. Ugh! Graduation was lovely! Doom-n-Gloom brought his girlfriend… The awkward moments weren’t as awkward as I expected them to be…
How was your day? Are you feeling better? I hope you have a good night tonight, sleep well and have pleasant dreams… I know I will. I’m exhausted!
Talk to you in the morning! Nite nite!
Kisses and hugs!
I was looking forward to seeing him the next evening and telling him all about how much better it was than I thought it would be! And it flew right by!
The following morning (Thursday) I overslept and had to race to work. I was 30 minutes late and didn’t ever really have time to send an email. He does not text. I knew I would have time soon and I would be spending the night with him so I didn’t freak out.
This is what was waiting for me when I had time to check:
You know what you have done is unacceptable. Why do you want to tear down something that is good?
Do you remember the quote that you sent me? It was about wanting a planet, and someone offering you the universe. Do YOU want it? If so, show me what you are willing to do to get it. No excuses. Come here, no, go away is not how I am won.
You seem to be choosing a guarantee to get hurt over something that is only a possibility of being hurt.
Anyway I called him and we discussed it over the phone for about an hour.
I met him after work in the hotel parking lot and we discussed it. We checked into our room, ate a really yummy dinner and discussed it.
All the time we were discussing it, I was in tears. It felt the entire time like I was being attacked.
It was about 11PM when I thought things were resolved and we would get some sleep. I was so exhausted, I sure did.
During the night I woke up a couple of times and made sure that our bodies were still touching. We were naked in bed together but hadn’t had sex, but I still wanted to be intimate.
Friday morning when I woke up, Mick was laying face-down on the other bed. Awake. I asked what was wrong and we began discussing it all over again! At that point all I could think was how badly I wanted to be alone. I needed some time by myself so I could settle down and sort my feelings into something sensible.
We talked ad nauseam. I kept telling him I needed alone time. There had been too much emotional stimulation and I needed to recollect and recharge.
I was late to work again. But, I finally got some time by myself to think and sort out my scramble of feelings.
By the time I got to work, I knew what I needed to say to him and sent him this:
To my Daddy:
I hope you left with less confusion after we talked this morning and can get some rest today. Thank you for letting me sleep. I am sorry I wasn’t able to help you work through it, but I do really appreciate your concern for me! It seems like when you need me, I am not there in the right capacity if I am even there for you at all. In that respect, I have been disappointed in myself (fuck, maybe I do it on purpose to self-sabotage. I don’t know…). I know that some of my issue in dealing with it and not being able to talk it out is because the problem is within myself – because I didn’t meet the expectation I set for myself. It affects me hugely when I feel I’ve disappointed you – even though you haven’t told me I’ve disappointed you. Hmmm… It looks like I have some work to do on myself when it comes to putting thoughts and feelings into another person’s head… And definitely explains why I am so sensitive to it…
Last night and this morning were good for talking things through and I am exceptionally grateful for your patience. What you say about a hurt little girl seems to be glaringly true in the way I react to what I perceive as an ‘attack’. And I am also afraid to let myself love you all the way… Yes, I want a Daddy, but what I know of a Dad doesn’t match up with what I dream of a Dad. I want you to be like the “dream” Dad, but I am so very afraid you will end up being the kind of father I actually know. So far, you have been wonderful and kind and patient, just like what I’ve dreamt of in a father. You are willing and wanting to share your knowledge with me and I can see that you have the gentleness to be my teacher. I am hoping that I don’t scare you away while I am learning not to be so hard on myself and why I am.
That being said, I am upset with myself for the parts I had in ruining last night… But I’m also glad we talked about what we did and I let you in to some of the crap, because if I hadn’t “ruined” last night, those issues would still be unaddressed. I’m sorry if it’s tough to understand me sometimes because I get so emotional. I have a hard time understanding myself at those times. When you ask me questions about it, my head is jumbled with stupid feelings and my actual sensibilities are scrambled. When I can’t explain my feelings or how I arrived at them, again I am frustrated with myself because I think I’m being a disappointment. I want to be able to explain things out to you with logic, but I can’t always do that. Especially at the time.
As we get closer and closer, I hold myself to a higher standard and I let my disappointments with myself affect me more. You shouldn’t be ‘punished’ for that. They are not your standards for me.
Hopefully my epiphanies here will give you something to work with 😉
Enjoy the sunshine and have an awesome day!
I just got in about 7:30 and have been on my feet all but about 3 hours today. My ass is dragging. Going to go see about getting the clutch cable on the bike.
Thank you princess, for your email. I do try to be patient. I am not always. Sometimes frustration gets to me and I don’t react appropriately.
I have had thoughts of you and our conversations last night and this morning many times today. One of the things that came about from that was that I am out of practice dealing with a woman’s emotions and feelings. When I ask questions at home, all I get is the “deer in the headlight” look and then nothing. So I am on a relearning curve. I am so pleased that you can and do talk, whether it be pissed or whatever. Sometimes the “lesson” is not for the “student”. The “teacher” got one today. I do feel so much better about where we are now. I really needed to get those little words off my chest. I haven’t been able or wanted to say that for a long time. And yes I think you are awesome, whether you do or not. As long as we keep talking about things like we did it will get easier. Let’s just not do it every time we are together. And it is OK to say ” I don’t know how I got there or how I feel, let’s do this later or another time”.
I am going to say good night to my sweet princess now. You are probably having fun by now and I don’t want to interrupt that.
… … …
Sweet dreams from your loving Daddy