I was completely blind(side)ed by Loserman when he stopped talking to me.
Finally, after a solid year without him (*mostly), I think I am able to start sorting things out.
For a little over a year now, I’ve been unconsciously ‘choosing’ men who are emotionally unavailable (or just plain regular unavailable, like I thought Mick was).
Loserman truly did break my heart and I’ve been trying to
lash out protect myself the only way I knew how:
By proving that I could go on without him,
that I could find someone ‘better’ and make it work,
and that I am actually good enough to find someone better!
So, my conscious self has been actively looking for a ‘replacement’ for Loserman – maybe finding someone who wants to be with me will help me forget his sorry ass and how much my heart still aches.
I’ve been choosing to stay and try to make things work with certain men for certain reasons. Most of them explained by the lines above, some reasons I still cannot fathom. Almost all of them were like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Now I have Mick and I am struggling with all of the feelings I have surrounding him. Originally, when I ‘chose’ him, he was ‘safe’: he has a girlfriend, he wanted sex on the side and to dabble a little in BDSM. We were going to explore and, basically, be friends with benefits.
But then we started spending more and more time together and he started talking about love and making positive changes in his life and how the way he feels about me makes him want to be a better man: a Daddy, even.
I am scared. I am jealous. I am resentful of his girlfriend…
All legitimate feelings, right?
On the other hand, there are a ton of things that Mick knows and can teach me. Things that I’ve always wanted to learn. He’s an awesome teacher!
He treats me like his little angel and he fucks me like his slut. He’s kind and patient and understanding.
And I really, really like him!
There are about 100 reasons why I am sticking this through with Mick. Mostly, I want to see what is going to happen at the end of September but also,
I want a fucking Daddy!
My actual father is a jerk (to put it nicely). He wasn’t a good teacher. He’s a chauvinist. He’s selfish. He is a bible-thumping hypocrite who drowns squirrels in a bucket every summer because he finds them annoying (and keeps a tally!)…
Before my little brother was born, however, my father seemed to like me. We would have talks every Sunday afternoon and watch football together…
No matter. I don’t like my dad. He was my ‘friend’ until 8 days before my 7th birthday – the day my brother was born. After that, he’s only been a pompous ass to me. I am sure it caused deep childhood issues of hurt and abandonment…
I want someone to kiss my forehead and rock me on his lap after I’ve had a bad day. I want to be able to cry with him and have emotions without being told I’m a “silly girl” and my feelings aren’t legitimate.
I want someone to do all of those Daddy things with me that I didn’t get to do.
Mick wants to do that for me.
He enjoys holding me on his lap, giving me forehead kisses, helping me feel better and fixing my shit (both tangible and emotional shit). He wants to talk about our feelings and work on getting to the bottom of them. (sometimes it hurts because I am realizing things I never could see before) He wants to teach me everything he knows… Or at least everything I want to learn. He’s flattered by my interest!
And, I could go deeper into his side of things, too… We were talking about it yesterday. I said, “I don’t want to need you. I needed someone before and I was so lost when he left me… Do you think you could handle me needing you?”
He had to think about it for a few seconds before he answered. “You know, Doll… I don’t think I’ve ever had someone need me before.”