Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

A Flake of Tinder

on August 30, 2016


This guy seemed decent. He seemed intelligent, honest, fun, active… His photos appeared to be current and, if they were of him, he was attractive.

I swiped the match on a Sunday evening. He was out of town, but responded within a reasonable time that he was driving back into Denver early Monday morning, could I contact him sometime later that day?

Sure. No problem.

I sent him a message late Monday afternoon. (Mind you, all of these messages take place on the Tinder platform.)

Happy Monday! How was your day?

It was a Monday. I trudged through it the best I could. Although I sparked a religious debate that stopped production for almost an hour when I said all religions are the same…

Oooh! Well Done!
Those are fun!

The “Prostitutes should be covered by my health care” rant was better, but people sure do take their religion seriously.

Lmbo! Yeah. I’m related to some of them. It’s scary when I mention that Jesus was a Jew and that he was of Middle-Eastern descent.

I bet.
My boss was an atheist until he met a girl who wasn’t. I watched the guy go Bible thumper overnight. He found Jesus in a vagina…

How very magical (at least for him)


That would have to be a real special dick for me to go back there again.
Have an awesome night and sweet dreams.

You too

Tuesday there was nothing.

Good morning! Happy hump day and all that?

Hump day is a distant memory…
Happy Wednesday to ya

So, what are you looking for with Tinder?

That was direct! Cool, I guess… I responded with equal candor.

A good lover. Perhaps a good companion. A friend. Maybe long term, maybe not. Someone who gets along with me and has similar interests with a decently high libido.
I can be more specific if you like, but I don’t think I am looking for anything too terribly serious.
What about you?

I’m looking for someone to share life, and my penis, with on a regular basis.
I love sex. I love company. I’d prefer to have a regular thing as opposed to being a man whore.
And if you want to be more specific, feel free.

I would like to find someone who wants to hang out with me as much as I want to hang out with them… Someone who understands I need space sometimes, and has the same need. And I always appreciate honesty.

We talked briefly of our children, marriage status, he still seemed like an okay guy, so I asked if he was busy Friday after work.

How late do you work usually?


Would tomorrow after work be okay with you instead? I just can’t commit to Friday until my kids say, “No Dad.”

Sure, usually I have something going Thursdays, but not this week. Cool 🙂


I mentioned that I would like pizza. We discussed time and he asked me to find a place were I would like to go.

Then, after spending a decent amount of time looking for two different places to choose from, later Wednesday afternoon he shot down both of my suggestions.


I asked where he would like to go and he told me about a couple of places his friends had recommended.

??? If you already knew where you wanted to go, why did you ask me to spend my time looking for a place?

6ish is perfect.
I’ll read the reviews when I get home this evening and let ya know which one.

Great! Thanks. I look forward to chatting with you in person 🙂

2 hours later:

I just finished talking to the kids…
Is there any way we can go out Friday instead? Tomorrow is back to school night.

I was moderately annoyed with the guy at this point. But his kids are 16 and 14 and live with their mother. I was trying to be understanding, as I would want someone to be with me.

However, sometimes I also see these things as The Universe trying to communicate with me…

Sure. That’s fine. Let me know. It’s not a problem. Have a good night.

Thank you. Life with teens that don’t communicate well is a chore for sure…

I totally get it. Soon it will be over and they will love you more for being so understanding (ideally)….


Let me add here that I really dislike when I tell someone to have a good night/day/morning (you get it, right?) and receive no response. Also, all day Thursday, I heard crickets from this guy.

Good morning and happy Friday! How did back to school night go?

Good morning. Back to school was good. Dinner was good. Then I woke up this morning with a flat tire. Bleh…

Oh no! Was it just a leak or did you have to replace the tire?

It was a tack in the tread. It’s fixable.

Good! What a way to start what should have been a lovely morning! Are you still up for meeting tonight?

Definitely! What sounds good for a Friday night?

I thought we were going for pizza at Ernie’s or Tony P’s? You were going to look and see which one seemed better?
Would you rather do something else?

I’m okay with pizza. That works. I figured there’s be a difference between Thursday and Friday nights maybe. What time works for you?

I’m still good with 6-ish.

Ernie’s around 6 works then.

Perfecto! Thanks and see you then. Have an awesome afternoon and good luck with that tire!


I made a reservation for 6PM just in case it ends up being hella-busy. I might be there a little early.
If you need it, my phone number is 555-5555

Awesomeness. See you then

This guy was starting to irritate me, but I’ve been in a super bad mood for the past couple weeks (because I haven’t been fucked properly in quite some time!) and my patience was running thin.

At 5:40, while I was stuck in traffic (SO close to the restaurant he picked out) I received another Tinder message from him. (This was the final ‘hint’ I didn’t want to have anything more to do with this guy. I had given him my phone number to contact me more easily and he chose to continue communicating with me in one of the more difficult ways possible. As you may be aware, it’s much harder to check Tinder messages over actual text messages. Why else would I give him my phone number?)

I’m running super late.
Just got out of Big O tires and heading home.

If it would be easier for you to just skip tonight let me know.

My navigation says I’m 54 minutes from the bar. I’m just getting ready to shower. Maybe we can meet later closer to your neighborhood.

Translation: he wouldn’t make it to the restaurant until well after 7PM.

At this point it’s your choice because you going to have to do quite a bit of driving later at night. And I don’t want either of us to be stressed out the first time we meet.

How’d you know I was stressing?
Was it that obvious?

Well… For one *I* am stressing.

Then maybe it’s a good idea to wait till we aren’t stressing.


I’m sorry. I had no idea getting a tire patched on a Friday afternoon would be a 2 hour ordeal.

Are you fucking serious?!?! Every single mother-fucking visit to the tire shop takes at least two hours!!!! Where have you been living?

No problem. The reservation is cancelled and I am on my way home.
The tire shop is almost always a nightmare.
Hit me up some other time if it works out for you.
Meaning: I don’t want to talk to you any more. Good bye.

Getting off at 2:30 used to be an advantage. Now there’s so many people around, traffic and everything else is a cluster-f***

He actually censored himself. I don’t know if this is relevant or not, but this is his main profile pic:


Yeah. That stinks.

I’ve got kid stuff tomorrow and Sunday. Let’s try for happy hour early next week?

Okay. Have a good night and weekend.

And life, mother-fucker…

Then I uninstalled Tinder.

courtesy of Dr. NerdLove

courtesy of Dr. NerdLove

7 responses to “A Flake of Tinder

  1. FervidM says:

    If the guy’s main profile pic is of the joker, along with a quote he says while holding a knife to their mouths…I’d say you dodged a bullet. An entertaining post!

  2. bmayes76 says:

    This is too entertaining! Lol!! At least he didn’t ask are we having fun yet? Lmao!!!

  3. Awesomeness Smitten! He sure was petrified meeting you.

Talk to me :-)

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